CNN worlds funniest joke

kiwi_2005 · 11-19-05, 04:42 AM

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Konovalov · 11-19-05, 05:10 AM

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

snowsub · 11-19-05, 07:10 AM

:rotfl:

Another...

Two men were out in the woods when one stopped to have a leak near a bush. Whilst in the the process a snake reared up and bit him on his snake.
The man fell to the ground clutching his privates when his mate came running asking what had happened.
His called the doctor and asked how could he help his friend from snake bite.
The doctor asked what kind of snake had bit him: "A black snake" moaned the injured man
His friend pass on this information and was told the only way to save his injured friend was to suck the blood out.
The injured, hearing his friend on the phone exclaim and go a paler colour asked what the doctor had said
To which he replied "The doctor said you're going to die"

Polak · 11-19-05, 07:23 AM

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
I loved the first one, but the second was the best.

kiwi_2005 · 11-21-05, 07:15 PM

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

AG124 · 11-21-05, 08:49 PM

I know a lot of jokes. But most of them aren't suitable to post here.

Funny stuff here though. :rotfl:

AG124 · 11-21-05, 09:10 PM

Well, this one shouldn't be offensive. I though it was funny, maybe some of you will too.

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted
to formulate a plan that would allow him to take
at least some of his considerable wealth with
him. He called for the three men he trusted most
his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.

He told them, 'I'm going to give you each
$30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I
want you to place the money in my coffin so that
I can try to take it with me.' All three agreed
to do this and were given the money.

At the funeral, each approached the coffin in
turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding
in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman
said 'I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life,
and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly,
and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and
bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.'

The physician then said, 'Well, since we're
confiding in one another, I might as well tell
you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the
coffin either. Smith had a disease that could
have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very
new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and
I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of
the money to buy the machine so that I might
be able to save another patient. I know that
Smith would have wanted me to do that.'

The lawyer then said, 'I'm ashamed of both of
you. When I put my envelope into that coffin,
it held my personal check for the full $30,000.'

AG124 · 11-21-05, 09:17 PM

Here's another one. I've edited it a bit.

Boy: Dad, what's politics?

Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I
have all the money so we'll call me the
management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call
her the government. We'll call the maid the
working class, you are the people, and your baby
brother is the future. Do you understand now son?

Boy: I still don't understand dad.

Dad: Think about it for a while son.

That night the boy wakes up because his baby
brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's
soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but
she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but
she's in there making love with his dad. He bangs
on the door but no one can here him.

The next day...
Son: Dad I understand politics now.

Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words
son.

Son: The management is screwing the working class
while the governmenats is fast asleep. The people
are being ignored and the future is full of S***!

AG124 · 11-21-05, 09:18 PM

Maybe one more...

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Pencil Pusher, do your stuff." Pencil Pusher went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounces glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and took the rest of the day off, with pay.

kiwi_2005 · 11-21-05, 10:04 PM

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

That last one was brilliant

kiwi_2005 · 11-21-05, 10:24 PM

Did you hear about the Irishman who...
(1) was told to take his car in for a service, but got it stuck in the church door.
(2) was accused of raping a woman and was lined up in an identity parade. the females were then brought into the yard where the row of men were standing and the irishman pointed to her and said: "thats her!"
(3) got into a taxi? the driver asked "where to?" and the irishman snapped back "mind your own business."
(4) who opened the car door to let the clutch out.
(5) waited outside a brothel in dublin for the light to go green

AG124 · 11-22-05, 06:43 AM

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

jumpy · 11-22-05, 07:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kiwi_2005

(4) who opened the car door to let the clutch out.

LMAO

AG124 · 11-22-05, 08:32 AM

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking.
The bartender finally says that the bar is
closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat
on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and
get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him
up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his
face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up
and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the
door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed
he tries one more time to stand up. This time he
falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He
awakens the next morning to his wife standing
over him shouting at him.

'So, you've been out drinking again!!'

'How did you know?' he asks.

'The pub called, you left your wheelchair
there again.'

AG124 · 11-22-05, 08:56 AM

Q: How many Liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 5 - 1 to screw it in and 4 to screw it up.

Q: How many Conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 5 - 1 to replace the bulb, and four more to complain that the old one was a lot better.

11-19-05, 04:42 AM	#1
kiwi_2005 Eternal Patrol Join Date: May 2004 Location: Aeoteroa Posts: 7,382 Downloads: 223 Uploads: 1	CNN worlds funniest joke Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" __________________ RIP kiwi_2005 Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

11-19-05, 05:10 AM	#2
Konovalov Ocean Warrior Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: High Wycombe, Bucks, UK Posts: 2,811 Downloads: 9 Uploads: 0	:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: __________________ "In a Christian context, sexuality is traditionally seen as a consequence of the Fall, but for Muslims, it is an anticipation of paradise. So I can say, I think, that I was validly converted to Islam by a teenage French Jewish nudist." Sheikh Abdul-Hakim Murad (Timothy Winter)

11-19-05, 07:10 AM	#3
snowsub 中国水兵 Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Moreton bay Posts: 286 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	:rotfl: Another... Two men were out in the woods when one stopped to have a leak near a bush. Whilst in the the process a snake reared up and bit him on his snake. The man fell to the ground clutching his privates when his mate came running asking what had happened. His called the doctor and asked how could he help his friend from snake bite. The doctor asked what kind of snake had bit him: "A black snake" moaned the injured man His friend pass on this information and was told the only way to save his injured friend was to suck the blood out. The injured, hearing his friend on the phone exclaim and go a paler colour asked what the doctor had said To which he replied "The doctor said you're going to die" __________________

11-19-05, 07:23 AM	#4
Polak Grey Wolf Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Poland/Sweden Posts: 808 Downloads: 1 Uploads: 0	:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: I loved the first one, but the second was the best. __________________

11-21-05, 07:15 PM	#5
kiwi_2005 Eternal Patrol Join Date: May 2004 Location: Aeoteroa Posts: 7,382 Downloads: 223 Uploads: 1	"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00." __________________ RIP kiwi_2005 Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

11-21-05, 08:49 PM	#6
AG124 Sea Lord Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Canada Posts: 1,878 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	I know a lot of jokes. But most of them aren't suitable to post here. Funny stuff here though. :rotfl:

11-21-05, 09:10 PM	#7
AG124 Sea Lord Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Canada Posts: 1,878 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	Well, this one shouldn't be offensive. I though it was funny, maybe some of you will too. As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, 'I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.' All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said 'I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.' The physician then said, 'Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.' The lawyer then said, 'I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.'

11-21-05, 09:17 PM	#8
AG124 Sea Lord Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Canada Posts: 1,878 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	Here's another one. I've edited it a bit. Boy: Dad, what's politics? Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son? Boy: I still don't understand dad. Dad: Think about it for a while son. That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there making love with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him. The next day... Son: Dad I understand politics now. Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son. Son: The management is screwing the working class while the governmenats is fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of S***!

11-21-05, 09:18 PM	#9
AG124 Sea Lord Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Canada Posts: 1,878 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	Maybe one more... Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Pencil Pusher, do your stuff." Pencil Pusher went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. The Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounces glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and took the rest of the day off, with pay.

11-21-05, 10:04 PM	#10
kiwi_2005 Eternal Patrol Join Date: May 2004 Location: Aeoteroa Posts: 7,382 Downloads: 223 Uploads: 1	:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: That last one was brilliant __________________ RIP kiwi_2005 Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

11-21-05, 10:24 PM	#11
kiwi_2005 Eternal Patrol Join Date: May 2004 Location: Aeoteroa Posts: 7,382 Downloads: 223 Uploads: 1	Did you hear about the Irishman who... (1) was told to take his car in for a service, but got it stuck in the church door. (2) was accused of raping a woman and was lined up in an identity parade. the females were then brought into the yard where the row of men were standing and the irishman pointed to her and said: "thats her!" (3) got into a taxi? the driver asked "where to?" and the irishman snapped back "mind your own business." (4) who opened the car door to let the clutch out. (5) waited outside a brothel in dublin for the light to go green __________________ RIP kiwi_2005 Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

11-22-05, 06:43 AM	#12
AG124 Sea Lord Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Canada Posts: 1,878 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

11-22-05, 08:32 AM	#14
AG124 Sea Lord Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Canada Posts: 1,878 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. 'So, you've been out drinking again!!' 'How did you know?' he asks. 'The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.'

11-22-05, 08:56 AM	#15
AG124 Sea Lord Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Canada Posts: 1,878 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	Q: How many Liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 5 - 1 to screw it in and 4 to screw it up. Q: How many Conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 5 - 1 to replace the bulb, and four more to complain that the old one was a lot better.