The same thing we do every night. An Evil Genius AAR

[Hottentot]

(OK, OK, stop that, I'm reading it already...)

Ahem. Due to certain buttsensitive parties...

(OUCH!)

I mean, concerned patriotic individuals contacting me regarding my expression of artistic freedom...

(YOW!!)

...In my despicable portrayal of forces of good and just in my latest Flashpoint adventures, I, Hottentot, wish to tell you to go f...

(Joking...JOKING!!)

...feed your pet rabbit and apologize for any hurt feelings. To repair the damage done, I present you something more suitable this time. We are not exactly moving away from the cold war but will this time be concentrating on people with better sense of hu...

(STOP THAT!!)

...hurting people in nasty ways and who therefore deserve all the scorn, hate and ridicule they can get. Therefore, dear audience, welcome to follow the adventures of Maximilian IV in "The same thing we do every night".

(OK, I read it all as you told me to. Put the gun away, please!)

Editor notes: OK, folks, let's try something new and give Flashpoint some rest. I don't know how well you know Evil Genius, as it was at least to me completely unknown title before I tried it for the first time only a few years ago. That being said, I found it marvelous and have actually wanted to write a story like this for a while now.

Evil Genius is basically like its better known cousin Dungeon Keeper, only it's set in the universe of B-class movies where an insane evil mastermind is trying to take over the world and the heroes are trying to stop him. The catch is that in this game you actually play as the evil mastermind, while the idiot heroes stumble around your base cluelessly trying to figure out what is going on. And in this story there is no scriptwriter to help them out of that mess. Bwahahahahaaa!!

This is an AAR instead of an Adventure, meaning that the game's events are reported as they happen (with suitable storyteller's freedom naturally). It's also going to be a fairly long one, because Evil Genius is actually a pretty long game. I can't guarantee that I can complete the game and therefore the AAR, but I'm doing my best.
It won't be divided into parts this time, as it's difficult to to do in this case. Some parts would be incredibly long, while others would be just a few pictures. Therefore I will post 20 pictures at a time (Subsim's max per message) with semi-consistent update schedule. There may be cliff hangers, but hey, this is a B-class movie game AAR after all.

Therefore: sit back and .

-----------

THE SAME THING WE DO EVERY NIGHT

Guten tag! My name is Maximilian! Remember zat name well, because it will be one you'll have to know by heart when I have TAKEN OVER ZE WORLD!!!!

Yes, you insects! You and your pesky forces of justice may have foiled my plan to cover ze world in lemon pudding, but you haven't heard ze last of me yet! Oh no! Zis is JUST ZE BEGINNING!!



Tremble, mortals, at ze sight of your glorious leader!!

WAS?! Who wrote zat?! I am not short! Nor bad tempered! I will shoot ze dirty propagandist!!




Zis is me on my yacht. I am not escaping from my last evil base! I am only tactically relocating to ze new one! Bwahahahaaaa!




Ze beginning is humble, however. I have only ludicrous amount of gold as well as zree loyal minions.




Oh yeah, and zen zis Asian person. He keeps following me and makes good sushi, so I keep him around. I call him Jubei.




Ah! Ze entrance to my domain! It is...




Hmm, a lot smaller zan ze advertisement promised, is it? Was zere somezing in ze fine print? I can't see. Oh yes, what does ze contract say..."Budget choice for do-it-yourself-evil-genius." Bah!




Very well! In my infinite genius I plan a complex corridor zat is sure to fool ze foolish fools of justice!




My minions eagerly start carrying ze dynamite, which was also involved in great amounts in my "Evil Genius starter kit".




Behold! ze first step of my world domination is constructed!! I relocate quickly inside to...um...avoid a sunburn.




Ze explosion of ze dynamite lured a group of investigators to...investigate, I zink. Bah! I have been on my new playground island for only five minutes and already zey are suspecting I am up to somezing!

I would sue zem for harassment if I hadn't previously tried to take over ze world by instilling anarchy by turning all ze judges into toads. I zink zey still hold a grudge for zat, ze small minded morons.




To solve ze problem like a true genius, I send Jubei to greet zem wiz his Katana.




Meanwhile ze minions have expanded my kingdom. zey have build a barracks to lure more of zem to my service. Since we ran out of room for ze beds, I came up wiz a brilliant idea of accommodating ze rest of ze newcomes into zose lockers. zey can't expect first class treatment if zey hesitate joining my cause!




Jubei has left some trash lying around after ze fight. In my previous plans I have learned zat while fun, it is not usually socially acceptable to furnish your garden wiz body bags and will usually earn ze attention of more stupid investigators.




Zerefore I commission a freezer. Once I can afford it, I also commission a machine to turn ze bodies into fish fingers, so zey can finally be useful for somezing.




Zis is ze control room. From it my minions monitor ze world and find ze best opportunities to make it understand how I am to be zeir living god soon. Bwahahahaaa!




So far ze world hasn't understood my splendor yet, zough. I decide to send a few minions and Jubei out zere to spread ze word and rob some money for me too.




JA!! EVERYZING IS GOING AS PLANNED!! SOON ZE WORLD WILL BE PLUNGED INTO COMPLETE DARKNESS AND EMERGE IN NEW LIGHT WIZ ME AS ITS DICTATOR! BWAHAHAHAAHAHAAAA!!!!!




WAS??! WHO TURNED ZE LIGHTS OFF WHEN I WAS IN ZE MIDDLE OF A PERFECT MONOLOGUE! TURN ZEM BACK ON! I CAN'T LOOK GOOD IF NO ONE CAN'T SEE ME!!




Ze doors aren't functioning...




...and ze control room has gone blind too! What is going on??!! SABOTAGE!!

[Hottentot]

I may not know what exactly has happened, but as a genius I certainly know zat ze first step of solving a crisis is finding ze guilty. What, did you zink I have zis Luger just for show?!





Success! As ze minion died, he managed to scream somezing useful about not producing enough electricity. So I order ze rest of zem to build a generator room.





And it worked! I'm brilliant!!





Back to ze usual. It seems ze investigators are trying to fool me. zey have sent a spy in form of a hotel maid to scout my base.





How fortunate zat I just happened to build a prison, isn't it?





Jubei informs ze spy of what I zink about unknown fat ladies wandering around my private property, namely zis side of ze globe.





And zere, ze spy has been rendered harmless. But spies have annoying tendency to escape when I'm in ze middle of taunting zem. So I have to find a way to make zis spy's visit to my kingdom more...permanent.





Zerefore I buy an interrogation chair and order a minion to play Michael Jackson's greatest hits to ze dirty spy.




As expected, ze spy couldn't last long under ze hideous torture and is now an ex-spy. However, zere were some unexpected consequences. ze minion was so inspired by Jackson's music zat he ceased to be a construction minion and became a valet minion. I suppose I could use a servant around here, as long as he doesn't sing.





Back to ze more important matters. My minions around ze world tell me zat I am not being taken seriously. See zere on ze lower right?! Ze audacious goody two-shoes zere are LAUGHING at me and calling me HARMLESS! I AM NOT HARMLESS!! I WILL TEACH YOU TO TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!!




I have heard zat on ze West coast of ze United States is a big library full of Harry Potter books. I draft a masterplan to steal all of zem and zen hold zem for ransom. zat should cause suitable desperation among ze insects!!




Success! I am now ze owner of Harry Potter's latest adventures! And I shall never tell you how ze last book ends! Mwahahahaaa!!




I will have to construct a library at some point, but first zings first. My minions have been fairly well behaved, so I reward zem wiz a staff room, a Coca-Cola machine and two Ping-Pong tables.




Also, having realized zat my minions starve faster zan I can replace zem, I give zem permission to build a kitchen. zat mixing bowl might also have some creative uses in ze future.




Argh! An investigator again! Do zey crawl under a rock or condensate from swamp gas?! He seems to be very interested in my new kitchen tools.




Ze minions are fortunately eager to tell him how we in my evil empire treat nosy people snooping around.




However, I can't accept such intrusions all ze time. I have a world to conquer after all. zerefore I install a few cameras here and zere. As I have previously learned, ze forces of justice are very eager to infiltrate my base zrough ze ladies' toilet, so zerefore zat room gets extra security. I contribute to ze security of ze base by watching zose cameras personally.





I also install some loudspeakers so I don't have to run around ze base all ze time to give orders to each minion.





Last but not least I decide I need guards. zere is an old minion of mine getting drunk somewhere on Nortern Russia, guarding ze adult magazine collection of some oligarch. I decide to send a few minions to persuade him coming back.




He wasn't exactly co-operative at first...

[Falkirion]

More more. Loved Evil Genius myself.

[Hottentot]

After listening to some Michael Jackson he started to understand my point.




And zerefore I now have a trained guard minion. I also bought him some rifles to play wiz.




Zis is ze training room to turn more minions into guards, valets or ozerwise useful personnel. It was expensive, but I had to make ze investment. I can't have Michael Jackson playing all over ze base everytime I want to replace a dead guard.




Right. Everyzing is going as planned, so I decide to send more minions around ze world to take ze next step of my evil masterplan. Bwahahaa!




First of all: I have heard zat ze forces of justice are not all one big happy family, but argue wiz each ozer all ze time. See, zis is why ze world needs me as its dictator.




Since zey are so eager to shovel dirt over each ozer, who am I to argue? Being ze helpful future dictator zat I am, I decide to give ze evening news somezing to report about. "Duck and cover" seems to be ze frase of ze day.




On ze ozer side of ze globe I have learned zat ze local dolfin population is lacking somezing in zeir diet. I love animals. Uncle Adolf loved animals too. So right after helping ze forces of justice in Cuba, I rush to save ze poor animals.




Success! Also: Beeb...beeb...beeb...beeb...




Finally, I am tired at my expensive property breaking all ze time, so I order my minions to find a competent technician to repair my stuff.




Dear, why aren't zese people more co-operative? Can't zey understand zat I am doing zis for zeir own good?! My minions can't be occupied wiz carrying zese potato sacks all ze time around my base! zey drip drool on my floors!!




Oh well. Some more of Herr Jackson's greatest hits earn me a technician minion. His first task is to repair ze loudspeakers so zat zey recognize where I am and won't play ze music zere.




Meanwhile my minions around ze world have completed anozer task. I have always been supporter of free market and having ze state being ze only one who is allowed to print money has always seemed very inconvenient to me. So I decide to help a victim of zis monopoly out of prison in exchange for paper zat is definitely not used in der Monopoly.





Bwhahahaa! Anozer success, zis time in Middle-East. My fellow criminals have had hard time because ze dirty goody two-shoes have spied zem like zey tried spying me wiz zeir maid! Not anymore!! Go free and cause anarchy!!

Zis also officially makes ze world notice me and understand zat I am NOT HARMLESS! I TOLD YOU!! I TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES!! NOW YOU REAP WHAT YOU...

WAS??!! MOSTLY HARMLESS??!! WAS IST DAS??!!

YOU WILL SEE! OH YOU WILL!!




Eventually. Right now more important matters call for my attention, as anozer investigator has come to fotograf my kitchen. Donnerwetter, I don't understand zeir fascination in it! Can't zey share zeir fotos or somezing?! It's like my mixing bowl is some sort of tourist trap!!

Very well. If ze investigator wants to see ze mixing bowl...




...We let him see it from close distance. Oh, very close.




Mwahahahaa! To celebrate my latest victories I construct myself zis inner sanctum where I can sit all day, plot and scheme while waiting for ze world to recognize me as zeir rightful dictator. My office has everyzing an aspiring mastermind like me needs. A huge conference table and a smaller table for me to lean on while watching security camera footage from my desk.

But it still feels somehow empty. I know somezing is missing. Somezing to fill ze emptiness inside me. Namely...




Expensive bling-bling!




Ah wunderbar. Ze minions were successful and ze vase looks seht gut in my office. But why is zat dumkopf valet touching it and not going away?




I don't enjoy making mess on my clean floor, but he is blocking my view. I didn't steal zis vase to look a lazy valet's backside!




Ah, much better! Now ze vase is all mine!

[Hottentot]

WAS?! ANOZER ONE??!! GO BACK TO ZE CONTROL ROOM SO I CAN OVERZROW ZE WORLD, YOU DOLT!!!




Note to self: order ze next valet to bring bullets to Luger.




Bah, I can't have zese idiot minions wandering around my office all ze time. zey interrupt my evil monologue! Zerefore I decide to lock ze door and have it guarded as well just in case.




Furzermore, shooting people is messy. Since all evil plans involve building a rocket sooner or later, I decide to start sooner and begin by stealing a space suit from ze United States. ze next minion zat wanders in my office can zen be shot into space. Much more clean.




After succesful zeft I place ze space suit in ze control room. It can stare ze minions in zere reminding what happens to slackers.




However, ze Americans aren't happy wiz me now. zey send a team of zeir soldiers to recover ze space suit sooner zan I can say "Give me Moon or give me sauerkraut!"




Well how fortunate zat I am genius and in my infinite wisdom bought zose rifles to my own soldier minions. Bwahahaa!!




I have Jubei lead ze welcoming committee to Isle Evil. I deviced ze strategy myself. I call it "Battle Pineapple" and it is too complex for your inferior minds to understand, so do not even try.




I have no idea where zese people learned to shoot, but zey seem to be fairly effective in it. I will have to remember not to send zem to space, at least not until I run out of more suitable volunteers.




Not surprisingly ze battle was short and one sided. ze fish finger factory got more material. Now if I only had time to create ze machine...




Some of my minions were also injured in ze fight. zerefore I build an infirmary. A laboratory environment and large amount of desperate guinea pigs wanting "treatment" should net us some interesting results...




But what is zis? I have just been told zat zis valet minion has lost his guts and is about to desert my evil empire. Apparently constant carrying of body packs has made him forget rule number one in my service: CARRY ZEM OR FILL ZEM!!




However, he might still be useful as a guinea pig and I'm feeling charitable. zerefore I simply put him in ze special accommodations for a while to do some introspection.




Onwards! I am getting quite pleased wiz my growing art collection. I realize zat my base's floors, while very clean, are also very much made of metal and my feet are getting cold. So it is time to sacrifice some more minions for ze greater good of my toes.




Ja, it looks very good at my office, zank you minion. Now get out before I shoot you.




My walls are also lacking decorations ozer zan fire extinguishers, and I have just heard zat ze Cubans have an interesting painting not for sale. 20 worker minions should be enough for at least one of zem to dodge ze bullets long enough to snatch ze painting.




Ah, zey did. But ze Cubans are now royally pissed off and want to make my island red like zeirs. Only zeir idea of making it red is painting it wiz my blood. I am not fond of ze idea, and in retrospect never liked Marx's beard style eizer. Time to send ze welcoming committee again.




Ze battle is won, but it was long and bloody. Even Jubei fell unconscious, but fortunately zis man seems to have more lives zan brain cells. A night in bed should cure his headache, and ze communists likely can't afford sending anozer raiding party anytime soon.




Once Jubei is back on his feet again, he makes up for his slacking by learning a new skill. Wind Walk sounds fancy. Jubei explains me zat by channeling his wishy-washy-chi-ho-whatever he can teleport where ever he wants. Unfortunately he can't take anyzing heavy wiz him, so zere goes my plan for raiding Fort Knox.

Zis still sounds more useful zan what my ozer minions are capable of, so I decide not to shoot Jubei after all.

[CCIP]

This looks like a lot of fun

How DOES it compare to Dungeon Keeper, anyway? I've heard good things about it - Dungeon Keeper is one of my favorite games from back in the day though, and I've always been sad that it kind of died away...

[Hottentot]

Originally Posted by CCIP

How DOES it compare to Dungeon Keeper, anyway? I've heard good things about it - Dungeon Keeper is one of my favorite games from back in the day though, and I've always been sad that it kind of died away...

It's more open ended, as the AAR has probably also shown. Whereas in Dungeon Keeper you progressed through set of missions, Evil Genius just throws the world in front of you and says "do something."

Still, there is a plot and certain missions that you need to do in order to advance it. For example, soon in the AAR we will start "persuading" crime lords to come and meet Max. It's up to the player when he starts doing that once the mission is given and the game also gives some freedom in which order it is done, but if it's not done, then the plot won't progress.

Almost everything seen in this early part of the AAR so far has been optional. The world map has the "acts of infamy", such as stealing that vase and recruiting the specialists. The former two types give you something concrete: either loot (which boosts stats of minions nearby, and which I made practically useless for AAR's purposes by putting it in my inner sanctum), or a new minion type. The rest give you just notiriety, which is practically useless and some could say even harmful as it will eventually attract "super agents" (parodies of movie heroes such as Rambo and James Bond), but it's fun for roleplaying purposes.

Compared to Dungeon Keeper, the open ended style can get very boring occasionally. There are times when I do nothing except just keep my minions on world map, plotting to find new acts of infamy or stealing money. Still, I'd say it's not that bad compared to the benefits of the style.

Otherwise the gameplay is quite similar. You expand your "dungeon", the stupid heroes try to invade it and your minions stop them one way or another (you don't necessarily have to kill them). You can also build traps, which I haven't yet even touched, but will probably build something fun later.

Compared to Dungeon Keeper, there is lots of useless stuff (for example ridiculously expensive hotels to keep tourists out), but on the other hand the useful stuff appeals to me personally more than in Dungeon Keeper. Most of it haven't even be seen yet on the AAR, because at this point I don't have a laboratory where the science minions research new equipment based on old stuff. That's one of the game's simple but effective ways of staying interesting: you get to build new rooms and buy new equipment as you process through the plot.

I think this AAR will eventually give a pretty good picture of the game. The beginning has been slow, because it is always slow in Evil Genius. The overall tempo of the game, however, is also slow, so don't expect a sudden spectacular change. But there will be a change, at least as long as my feeble writer skills can convey it through these screenshots.

[Arclight]

The traps are brilliant, especially fun if you chain them together. The game really comes into it's own when you get to the 2nd island and can build a base with all kinds of neat stuff already unlocked; retrofitting your first base with all the new toys can be tricky.

My only real complaint about it is that making money can take such a long time, especially early on.

[Hottentot]

Instead of Fort Knox I send Jubei on a mission to Australia to steal me a new toy.




After ze mission I realize zat I actually have no idea what it is zat I just told zem to steal. It cost me 15 minions however, so I decide to keep it. I put it in ze guard room in case some prisoner happens to know what it does.




Zen in Asia zere is zis fancy new piece of clozing zat supposedly makes ze wearer invisible. I don't want my minions to be invisible when I try to order zem around, so I'm going to steal ze prototype before it gets mass produced.




Ze minions claim zey succeeded, but now ze morons forgot where zey put it. Oh well. Someone will stumble on it sooner or later I suppose.




Enough! I can't become ze dictator of ze world by endlessly stealing useless trash. I understand zat I need, no, I DEMAND respect. And respect I will have. I decide to get respect as ze most evil genius of ze world by eliminating ze competition. I start in India where some stubby fat person is playing ze local crime lord.




After some persuasive arguments Mr. Stubby books ze first possible flight to my island to pay me a visit.





Wiz him, however, also come bunch of investigators. For Christ's sake, he calls himself a crime lord and can't even make sure he isn't followed?!





My freezer is getting crowded, but zere is always room for some investigators zere.





Next I conquer Asia by finding ze local PingPongBang crime lord. I send a few valets and a lot of guards zere as my envoy of peace. As I have always said: "Speak softly. And carry a huge arsenal of weaponry."





Finally zere is zis American ganster who also hasn't yet understood zat ze real criminal genius doesn't come from Italy anymore. He too will get a Christmas card from me.





Zere. All ze crime lords have been persuaded to sit around ze same table, which happens to belong to me. Earlier zese people refused to speak to each ozer at all. Oh, ze world loses such a great diplomat in me.





However, consorting wiz crime lords has made a valet minion question his choices in life. He has decided to desert my organization AGAIN! We can't have zat!





I suppose anozer period in special accommodations would do ze trick...





But zen again, special accommodations are expensive. A bullet and a new valet minion are not.





Besides, I need ze special accommodations for Mr. Leonov, a mafia leader from St. Petersburg. He has just recently become curious about our island and how so many famous crime lords seem to end up in here. But he hasn't yet quite understood who is in charge here and zerefore just wanders around my property making idiotic demands.





I am glad to give him ze best room in ze special accommodations, but still he only spouts obscenities at me like only a Russian can.





Zerefore I decide to show him what a nice mixing bowl I have. I am sure he can appreciate ze technology and start understanding my perspective better.





While Nikita isn't watching, I decide to go play on his backyard. I have heard zat ze Russians have interesting new toy, much more effective zan my current ones when it comes to getting your voice heard. Ja! zat is exactly what I need!





Once ze machine is stolen, I place it in ze barracks. If ze minions don't behave, I'll simply turn ze music on.





Being evil genius makes me hungry. Luckily, while having zat last trip to Russia, some of my minions heard zat zere are also plans of creating a new mammoz out of some genemumbojumbo of a dead one. I have no idea how zat works, but mammoz steak sounds good. I order zem to bring me some and while zey're at it, also tamper ze DNA code a little.

[Hottentot]

My exploits in ze East have gained ze attention of a man called Red Ivan, who apparently has an axe to grind wiz ze forces of justice. He offers me his services. At first I was sceptical, but he convinced me in ze job interview wiz his motto: "KILL ALL ZE GIRLY MEN!!"





Such efficiency! He has just arrived and already he is making himself useful by shooting a slacking minion wiz bazooka. I like zis man!!





Bah, ze downside of traveling is zat zere are always cockroaches stowing away in your luggage. In case of Ivan's luggage it means a group of communist soldiers who found my secret base by following ze trail of bodies left behind by him.





Ivan gives zem flight lessons wiz his bazooka and so ze problem is solved. I repeat: I like zis man!!





While Ivan keeps my base safe from any furzer intrusion, I can concentrate on one of my favorite passions, namely art. zere is anozer beautiful vase in Asia, just looking for home in my office. Time to liberate it.





Ah, gut! It looks much better here next to me and ze ozer vase. ze first one was lonely and not balanced wizout ze second. I'm sure ze Asians wiz all zeir hippydippydoo filosofies can appreciate my perspective when I put it zat way.





Well so much for zat hope. Was ist das?! Ninjas?! Zey are sending NINJAS to stop me?! Was ist next? Pirates??! Are we going to stage circus fights between zem and fund my evil operation wiz ze tourist revenue??!





Bah, I can't be bozered wiz ze trivial pyjama clowns sneaking around my island. Jubei acts as my emissary instead and makes a very convincing argument. Zeir end shall be swift and quiet. Like a ninja.





My attention on ze ozer hand is turned to zis ex-CIA operative who now zinks he is a great crime lord in Norz Africa. I hear he is selling weapons in zere. I send a group of my soldiers to show him mine.

After he has been convinced to have a holiday on my island, zere is only one more crime lord to deal wiz.





Namely zat Briton Bob Cane. He doesn't even come to my island himself but sends minions to do his dirty work like a coward! See, zere zey are already scaling my walls!! Ze nerve! Doesn't he know I'm ze one who is supposed to assault his island?!





Jubei and Ivan are waiting on ze top of ze cliff to demonstrate ze Briton invaders ze downsides of scaling walls wiz just one ladder. Or rope, as ze case may be.





After his minions are slaughtered, I tell Bob zat I don't hold a grudge and invite him for a conference. He accepts and is quickly finding his way zrough my base. As your countrymen would say, Cane: GET ON WIZ IT!!





Ah, gut. All ze crime lords have finally sat around ze same table. Zerefore I turn it around and show zem zis miniature island to demonstrate my plan.





My plan being, develop a shrinking ray and shoot annoying persons like Bob here wiz it until ze rest accept my terms. What, did you really zink I had time to build miniatures?





Ze rest of ze gentlemen leave my office in silence. Only a faint "splat" under my left foot disturbs it.





My point is made and I got rid of Bob all at ze same time, but I'm still not happy. Ze Briton left an annoying stain on my floor and I demand retribution. However, ranting at ze wet little spot on ze floor didn't really satisfy me, so I decide to take my revenge on ze whole cursed island nation zat created ze cretin. I have heard zere is a shipment of tea in India going to England soon. I believe ruining ze tea moment of ze Britons should make up for making my floor dirty.





Zen I need to return to my plan again. My prototype shrinking ray works nicely, but I need somezing bigger. And to develop somezing bigger, I need a laboratory. Fortunately I have heard zat ze Japanese have created a marvelous research machine zat I can use to conduct some of my own research. zose lovely Japanese. I might not shrink zeir islands into tiny rocks at least at first once I conquer ze world.





Having stolen ze research machine, I leave a message for ze forces of good. I wrote it myself.


"Dear forces of justice.

Nyah, nyah!

Love,
Max."




Of course ze forces of justice want zeir precious machine back. Zerefore I use zis empty hut outside my base and build a fake research machine in hopes zat ze foolish fools of foollands will steal it.




Yes, zey have already found it...

[Hottentot]

And yes, zey took ze bait! Gut! I hope zey like lemon pudding, since zey now have a roomful of it. I made it extra good, wiz lots of sugar and arsenic. Wiz love.





Zis is my real laboratory wiz ze real research machine. It is small and empty now, but it will get bigger soon. In zis room I create ze most evil zings ze world has ever seen! Zey shall learn to marvel my genius!!





Of course, I still need some scientists to assist me in zat. I have just heard zat zere is one in Antarctica and zat some mean nasty evil genius has sunk his supply ship. Zerefore I send my own men to rescue him before he freezes to deaz.





While my men are at antarctica zey also happen to find a minion I forgot zere zree or four evil mastermind plans ago. No one gets to say I don't care for my underlings, so I order zem to bring him back.





Since he couldn't be melted, I place him in ze control room. Zere he is just as effective as ze rest of my minions, so no one feels ostracised.





It seems Herr Jackson is ze only one here who can get somezing done, since his musical products have once more earned me a new kind of minion. Here is a scientist who will help me to make all my genius ideas reality in ze laboratory. But first he needs to train me some more scientist minions in ze training room.





He also needs some toys to play wiz. I have heard ze Americans have created a huge laser in one of zeir laboratories. LASER! EVERY EVIL ORGANIZATION NEEDS A HUGE LASER!! I DON'T CARE HOW MANY MINIONS IT TAKES!!!





Well, it took many of zem, but finally we have our own genuine giant laser. And I know exactly what I'm going to use it for.





I knew I kept zose ninjas around for somezing.





Building my personal army furzer, I have heard zere is some hick in ze Norz American woods who holds a grudge to his president. Seems zey all do, regardless of who is in office. Zat's ze good news. Ze bad news is zat he doesn't like me eizer. I foned him and he mocked my accent. Ze nerve!





I proved him my patriotic nature by inviting him here to listen to my music collection. Now I have a whole lot of mercenaries training my guards to use machineguns. I don't understand why, but zeir number seems to remain constant, no matter how much I train zem. However, ze money on my account has started vanishing somewhere after I hired zese people.





Zere have been new advances on ze science front. I test my new toy, ze impact stress analyzer, to zis diver whom I found trying to boobytrap my personal toilet. "Enemy from below" got a whole new meaning.





Not all ze scientific leaps are good, however. My scientists have somehow invented a wide-screen TV and installed four of zem to ze staff room wizout my permission. Now my dumb minions are getting even dumber zan before watching zose idiotic serials.





One of zeir better inventions, however, is zis huge door zat I had installed in my office. zis should keep minions from wandering here when I'm taking a leak. I tested empirically and concluded it is a minion proof: using ten underlings as batterin rams in row didn't even leave a dent. I'm very pleased.





I have been told zat ze world has finally noticed my existence, but as per usual, zey have understood it in completely wrong way and calling me "Rotten" now. Zerefore I need someone to improve my public image. I heard zat zere is a talented PR man in Azens, so I decide to offer him a working holiday on my island.





Hmf, even under enhanced interrogation techniques he somehow manages to look better zan all my minions combined. BUT IT WON'T SAVE HIM FROM ZE MOONWALK!!





I also contribute to imrpove my public image. Since I still happen to have an old earzquake generator from my Evil Masterplan Number 75 somewhere in ze cardboard boxes, I decide to have ze minions dig it up and wipe Nashville from ze face of ze earz. Zat should remove at least 85% of zat horrible country music from my intercoms.





Unfortunately not everyone again understood my good intentions, and a group of countryside hicks have arrived to complain about ze loss of zeir favorite banjo bands. Ze downside of countryside hicks is zat what zey lack in brain cells and musical taste, zey make up in guns and bullets.





To most of zem I offer shelter from ze heat and sunstroke in a nice, cool freezer room.





But ze only survivor gets a special treatment called "Centrifuge Carousel". I'm not going to hurt him. Once he has been zrough enough rounds in my new toy, he can go back home and use his remaining brain cell to babble everyone how nice and good person I am.

[Drewcifer]

Very good job, I've been reading since the start. I had never even heard of this game, picked it up off steam just because of you and have started playing it. Now I am at a bit of a loss as to why this didn't get more public recognition and why there isn't a sequel.

[Hottentot]

Nice to hear the story has been useful. The lack of comments has occasionally made me wonder if anyone even reads this.

Aaaaand back to taking over the world...

--------


My minions don't deserve the same mercy as my foreign guests. zis is ze fourz time I have seen zis construction minion reading zose Harry Potter books instead of working. Because he likes zem so much, I make sure he gets a very close look at zem. Also, ze bloodstains and intestines on ze pages should discourage ze rest of my minions from doing ze same.




All work and no play makes me bored. Sitting in my inner sanctum all ze time makes me zink zat while my art collection is already fairly nice, you know what would look real good in here. Like, really REALLY good?





ZE EIFFEL TOWER!!!





Hmm, ja. I didn't actually expect ze minions to manage installing ze shrinking ray into a helicopter and pulling it off, but it seems I am now ze happy owner of my own Eiffel Tower. While zis makes me somewhat more happy, I am also abandoning ze idea of using ze shrinking ray to take over ze world. I can't stand all zese stains on my floor.





Besides if I shrink everyone I can't see zem anymore. Which would be a shame in some cases. Oh, a very big shame...





I have no idea who zis lovely lady is, but I send Jubei to use his gentleman's charms on her before someone else gets any smart ideas. Ach, ze moonlight, ze distant sound of violin and a mysterious Asian man. Can you see how much she is enjoying it?





I give her ze best special accommodation room we have and entertain her personally wiz my great jokes and anecdotes about my evil greatness.

But at some point it dawns to me zat SHE ISN'T LAUGHING!!! WHY IS SHE NOT LAUGHING??!! SABOTAGE!! SPIES!!! INSULTING AUDACIOUS HAG!!! SUCH SPECIAL OFFENCE CALLS FOR SPECIAL MEASURES!!!





Hmm, no. Too painless.





No no no, I want her body as intact as possible.





What use is ze carousel when her lack of understanding great humor has already proved her to be a first class airhead?





PERFECT!!!!





After getting my earplugs, I personally follow how ze rude brat is reduced to ze level of an obedient chimp. Note to self: minions must listen to zis too.

I have no use for ze airhead after...having a discussion wiz her, so I order my minions to escort her into ze ocean.





Bah! I'm still furious!! How could she reject me like zat?! I demand retribution and only burning lots of cute fuzzy squirrels and baby bunnies alive is going to satisfy me!! Zerefore my men make a trip to Australia, and I personally sip cold beer while admiring ze glow on ze horizon.





Also, since I couldn't persuade her to marry me wiz my ludicrous wealz, I am forced to use it for buying a new toy. Zis genius device here is an electroshock trap. I put it in my old shed outside, because ze investigators are always interested in it for some reason. Once zey are noticed by ze motion detector outside, zey will learn why I have so much surplus electricity produced in my base.





Bwahahahaa, totally worz ze price!!





Meanwhile my underlings tell me zat ze communists have found somezing really interesting. It's supposed to be some religious mumbojumbo but I really couldn't understand what zey were going on about. Mostly zey were just on zeir knees in front of me chanting: "don't open it, don't open it, don't open it."

I did understand from zeir babbling zat it's made from gold, zough. And as far as gold goes, I believe in ze wisdom of ze ancients who said: "More is always ze right answer."





For a bunch of godless azeists zese communists are really eager to get zeir baubble back. Just as I was going to see what's inside it, ze alarm sounds telling me a group of zeir soldiers have managed to infiltrate my corridors. Fortunately ze minions are already beating zem to deaz.





Unfortunately Ivan also managed to come by and decided to shoot zem and my minions wiz his bazooka. I can't decide what I zink. Is seeing burning minions running around my corridors more hilarious zan ze price of all ze burned down equipment is depressing?




I decide zat yes, yes it is. So Ivan gets just a stern lecture regarding ze safety of using explosives inside.





I also figure I could use fireproof equipment or a bazooka zat doesn't burn down my property. My stupid science minions insist zat such zings are impossible to create, but I know zey are wrong. zey are just too stupid to do it, zat's all.

Zis calls for someone almost as intelligent as yours truly to do ze dirty work, so my minions arrange an appointment wiz an American quantum fysicist. If zey stole Einstein from us, it's only fair zat I return ze favor now!

[Oberon]

I have been reading, but not wanting to comment until the end of the AAR so that I don't disrupt the flow of reading. Please, do continue, like all of your AARs this has been an absolute pleasure to read and has encouraged me to reinstall Evil Genius and play it once again, when I get the time.

[CCIP]

Originally Posted by Oberon

I have been reading, but not wanting to comment until the end of the AAR so that I don't disrupt the flow of reading. Please, do continue, like all of your AARs this has been an absolute pleasure to read and has encouraged me to reinstall Evil Genius and play it once again, when I get the time.

Yep, same. This and the Flashpoint adventures are so much fun that I can't even think of anything to say that wouldn't look hopelessly witless next to this hilarity