U-555 (Story)

[JokerOfFate]

I thought that I'd give this story thing a try, I wanted to be a writer when I was 13 and I wrote a few books but never showed them to anyone, so I like to try this and if it works I may contiue it and if not I'll drop it.

I've got some ideas in mind so will post something soon.

[JokerOfFate]

U-555
Me and my new Medic, Dr.Zimmerman, were walking to the U-555 to start my next patrol.
"Is that a U-boat?" he asked.
"No" I replied "Mine is the next one down"
He give me a strange look, but never said anything else.
We got to U-555 and took off into the unknown, mostly because we left the map behind.

While on patrol we encountered a convoy.
"What are we going to do?" asked my Chief
"We're going to attack!" I said
"Whats the plan?" he asked
"Well..." I replied "I guess we fire some eels at them"
"I think it would be a better idea to fire torpedoes" he said
"Yeah, fire some of those too" I replied

End of part one.

[JokerOfFate]

While we were debating what sea creatures we are going fire two escorts spotted us and opened fire.
"Crash dive" I yelled
"We're already under water,sir" Said my Cheif
"Oh, then why are they shooting at us?" I asked
"You left the Periscope up,sir"
"Damage Report!" I snapped
"Here,sir" said one of my crew handing me a sheet of paper
It reads:
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) 1st torpedeo tube almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced 1st torpedeo tube

(P) Fuel tank seeping fluid
(S) Fuel tank seepage normal

(P) Something loose in compresser
(S) Something tightened in compresser

(P) Evidence of leak in toilet
(S) Evidence removed

(P) Hydrophone volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Radar inoperative
(S) Radar always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Electric engine 3 missing
(S) Never actually was installed

(P) Boat handles funny
(S) Boat warned to straighten up and be serious!

(P) Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Radar with the lyrics

End of part 2

Any tips or help always welcome

[JokerOfFate]

Winter 1941
"What do we do when it gets very cold and the water freezes." asks my Weapons officer
"You get out and push" I say
We are all freezing cold and in a bad mood.
"Ship spotted,sir" yells my Watch officer
"What kind of ship?" I ask
"A big one, sir" He replies
"Anything else?"
"It's odd looking"
"Ok, grab the manual and look up big odd looking ship" I say to the crew
They start looking and I go up to see what it is.
"You do known what this is?" I say
"No, sir" he replies
"It's an Iceberg!" I shout at him"or the allies have got new camo"
"Should we attack it?"
"Yes, now fetch the Chief's blow dryer" I cry.

End of Part 3
I'd like to know what you guys think, it's getting lonely on this topic

[JEuler]

[timmy41]

The jokes are slapstick funny, which is enjoyable, but what happened between 2 and 3? Are they supposed to have continuity?

[JokerOfFate]

Yes they are but it's further into the patrol

good to see someone enjoying it

Sorry but I'm a little rusty and never really had much practice

[JokerOfFate]

"We've been out here for two months and so far all we've done is:
Dive to evade escorts
Dive to evade aircraft
Dive to evade Iceberg" I said sadly
"Well, at least we're not dead" said Zimmerman with a large grin on his face
Before I could reply my Watch Officer yells
"Warship spotted"
Everyone starts running around.
"Hold it" I shout
"Hold what,sir?" asks my Chief
Ignoring him I ask my Watch Officer what kind of ship it is.
"A big and odd looking one, sir" He replies
I go up onto the bridge and there it was...
"This is a Cargo ship!" I tell him "and it is unarmed how did you mistake this for a Warship?"
"Not true,sir" he boldly replies "look there, all those green guns"
"Those are tanks"I explain to him"It's a Cargo ship carrying tanks, now prepare to attack!"

End of part 4

[JokerOfFate]

"Now onward to Victory" I cheer
"I don't know,sir" says my Navagator "Victory is not on the map"
"Nevermind then, what you got to do to get good help" I murmur
"Fire all" says my Weapons Officer
A few minutes later nothing
"Wow, that was disapointing" I say "The greatest idea ever, use all of your torpedeos at once"
"Where to now,sir?" Asks my Navagator
"Home" I answer
"I don't see home on the map either,sir" says my Navagator
"Home port!, Navagator, Home port!" I shout at him
"Well, sir, I don't see a-" I cut him off before he could finsh "I know!"
"Sir" Says my Chief "May I ask a question"
"Yes, as long as it's not the one about where babys come from" I say

End of part 5

[JokerOfFate]

"What do we do when we run out of food?" ask my Chief
"We starve, have we run out of food,Chief?" I reply
"Well sort of, you see one of the men used the other toilet and flushed the last of our supplies down"
"Well, surface the boat and man the flak gun" I say
[Out on the Bridge later on]
"Are you sure this will work,sir?" asks my watch officer
"Of course it will work" I say "Its my idea"
"Lunch Ahoy!" One of the watch yell
The flak gunner opens fire on the seagull, the flak gunner missing every shot
even though the bird was sitting on the periscope the whole time.
I grab the flak gun and fire at the bird, killing it, as a sort of joke the bird's body flys off the periscope hitting me in the face, Stunned I throw the bird off the ship.
"Officer, get the bird!" I shout
"But I cann't swim!"
"Then learn!" I yell thowing him over the edge

End of part 6

[CaptainMattJ.]

i hope, for your sake, this is a generalized summary/excerpts. even if they are, its still not anywhere good enough to even be considered forpublishing.

you need to forcefully grab your reader with your words. use more detailed, descriptive vocabulary. go into about 20 times more depth then what your telling us here. Action, suspense, foreshadowing all the good stuff. you need to drench your entire story with all reading elements such as suspense, foreshadowing ect. if you sucked the details out of the great books, youd be left with a 2 page bland dull summary. More Dialouge! More action! Make that 2 page summary into a 300 page fatso. And if you want to get the attention of Most subsimmers here, for GOD sakes be as realistic as possible. make EVERYTHING to the dot. dont make your sub suddenly sprout wings and fire plasma torpedoes against escorts.

If this is going to be a massive comedy, i suggest you call a cartoonist and have him publish this. itd be a better cartoon then book.

[JokerOfFate]

No its just me messing around with some ideas, I'm trying to keep it short although I only ever wrote a few full books, but they were all drama so really I'm just trying something new, But thanks for the tips I'll try them out.