Techarin's if Silent Hunter 5 was the real deal

Kuniworth · 03-15-10, 08:02 AM

copied from UBI's forum...

Just a sec .... *alt tab* "Syncing Savegames with Server" .... *alt tab*

I got a few minutes and started thinking, what if real life had been like SH5?

*blur wipe to captain sitting at his station*

Capt. Log March 14th 1941 point 3,

My new crew and I are on our first patrol together. Everything seems to be moving in slow motion. I have to remember not to hit the bottle so hard; though I couldn't help it this time. Last night I boarded the ship to find my XO is a cyclopes and has the admirals fist secured squarely up his... well, I guess the admiral hasn't heard of strings. The XO began by introducing me to the crew starting with "Sound Guy" and "Radio Guy." I asked why they didn't have more inventive nicknames only to hear these were their "official" titles. Apparently the BDU is letting Kindergarten into the office again. We moved on with the tour of the boat. It might have been the hangover but I could swear my footsteps were at least 25Db louder than usual. The ship however seemed to be in good shape though.

Half way through the tour, the WO yelled "Task force spotted!"

I sounded battle stations. "Bearing to targets?" I inquired.

"Task force spotted!" the WO repeated.
"Yes, I understand that. Give me the bearing!"
"Task force spotted!"

Astounded by the incompetence of the WO I quickly made my way to the watch tower and got out my binoculars. There was a group of 5 unescorted merchant ships to the starboard.

"Ahead flank! Right 10deg. rudder!" I ordered.

"Aye sir! Extreme speed head! Right 1deg!" the XO replied.

"XO! I said Flank and 10deg rudder!"
"Sir, Extreme speed is the new flank and I only know how to go 1 deg and 35 deg to either side?"

I paused for a moment. "Alrighty then, Extreme speed ahead and 35deg starboard."

"Range to target?" There was no reply. "Range to target!?" There was no reply. "Nav. Officer! Range to target?" I shouted. Again, no reply. The Nav. officer merely stared back at me. Christ, I thought to myself. I pulled out the map and calculated the range: 2500m. Why didn't the watch see them sooner... whatever

"WO, man the deck gun."

"MAN THE DECK GUN," the WO bellowed.

I ordered the deck gun crew to fire on the closest ships. After a few solid hits it began to sink. My first kill!

Without orders the deck gun crew began to fire on a 2nd merchant. "Whoa!" I shouted. "WO, secure the deck gun."

"MAN THE DECK GUN"

"No, secure it!"

"MAN THE DECK GUN

"Sailor! I order you to cease fire!"

"MAN THE DECK GUN"

"Christ! Nav officer, prepare to dive. What's our depth under keel!"

The Nav Officer again just stared at me. "Hello?" I said over the com. "Ah, forget it. Dive! All hands below, Secure the deck gun! Dive!"

"MAN THE DECK GUN"

Yeah, you stay here and take care of that

I started below, the hatch closing behind me. Realizing the watch crew was still on deck, I poked my head down from the con to order a halt to the dive. Immediately I noticed the entire watch crew already below deck. I could have sworn I was the first one down but I didn't have time to think about that.

"Periscope depth, ahead standard, rudder amidships."

"Aye sir! Half speed ahead."

"No no... standard, ahead standard."

"Yes sir, half speed is the new standard."

Seriously? Could BDU have really let that many 5 year olds in. "Ok then, half speed ahead! Up periscope."

I peered through the scope eying the burning wreckage of the first ship and the other ships making a futile attempt to escape. The crew was quiet, except for the muttering of the WO who was whispering to himself, "man the deck gun... we have to man the deck gun."

Next time I see the admiral I'll have to remember to thank him for the wonderful crew

We were within 1000m now so I began calculations for firing torpedos. "XO, where are the TDC controls?"

"Sir?"

"The TDC damnit! The thing you use to aim the torpedos!!"

"Oh sir, now we look at the map. You see this #2, when it is on top of this other #2 you order me to fire."

...
...
...

Yep, BDU had definitely been invaded by Kindergarten.

As the numbers came closer and closer together tension began to build. This kill would end our patrol and I could return to base an ACE. Finally the moment of glory... "FIRE!!"

"Aye sir! Torpedos away!"

I watched eagerly, my stopwatch ticking the seconds until history would record my name. Suddenly, without warning or explanation the target vanished!

"What happened! 'Sound Guy' report all contacts!"

"Sir?"

"Oh never mind, surface!"

I ran to the watch tower and looked everywhere; my target was no where to be found. "XO, where'd they go."

"Where'd what go sir?"

"My target!"

"What target sir... oh, and by the way, your torpedos missed... arrrr"

I went below. I went to my cabin.

This was not the navy I once new. Command has been overrun by 5 year olds. My crew has obviously never had any training. Nothing works like it's supposed to. And not that it matters since the Allies have invented some type of teleportation technology. As I began hitting my head against the bulk head, I heard it.

I heard it... echoing down the con... throughout the entire ship... The sound that will drive me to the brink of insanity... The personification of all that is wrong with the world... the epitome of all incompetence...

"MAN THE DECK GUN"

alexradu89 · 03-15-10, 08:13 AM

If SH5 would have been the real deal, the war would have indeed ended in '43.

SubV · 03-15-10, 08:27 AM

Kuniworth, this is priceless.

Safe-Keeper · 03-15-10, 08:35 AM

God, how I hate the 1-2-3 system. What if I'm firing at a target more than one kilometer away? Why give my torpedoes a range of 12 kilometres when I can only accurately fire at ships that are right under my nose

?

Look, I appreciate that they're trying to make the easiest setting more challenging, but seriously, either let the numbers go higher or just add an SHIII-style option to let me just point at a target and let the weapon officer take care of the rest.

SubV · 03-15-10, 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Safe-Keeper

God, how I hate the 1-2-3 system. What if I'm firing at a target more than one kilometer away? Why give my torpedoes a range of 12 kilometres when I can only accurately fire at ships that are right under my nose

?

Look at this.

SteamWake · 03-15-10, 09:28 AM

His first post and nailed it spot on !

I just have one thing to say...

MAN THE DECK GUN !

molotof · 03-15-10, 09:43 AM

Quote:

Capt. Log March 14th 1941 point 3,

and teleport technology, we are in Star Trek right ??

Man on the Deck Gun = Epic Fail = Nervous break down

but (thx to the mod community) deck gun is fixed, i can hear cease fire, and that's a cure

03-15-10, 09:49 AM

Epic!

Sailor Steve · 03-15-10, 10:07 AM

Brilliant!

And WELCOME ABOARD!

SteamWake · 03-15-10, 10:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by molotof

and teleport technology, we are in Star Trek right ??

Man on the Deck Gun = Epic Fail = Nervous break down

but (thx to the mod community) deck gun is fixed, i can hear cease fire, and that's a cure

Its still a little screwy even with mighty fine crew mod installed.

Try this... look at a ship through the binocs, tap the space bar and POOF the deck gun crew appears at the gun and starts firing... Then talk to the WO the command "Man the deck gun" is still there. Select that and he shouts out the order and they continue to fire.

Now you can select the WO and "unman the deck gun" (however its phrased) is now available. Select that and he shouts out the order... and they continue to fire

Even when they do stop firing they will not leave the damn gun. Only way to get them off is to dive.

03-15-10, 10:09 AM

This should be continued. Seriously... this is awesome!

We demand more! MORE!

Bilge_Rat · 03-15-10, 10:21 AM

beauty!

03-15-10, 10:59 AM

Cost of SH5 (new) at Amazon: $48.48

Cost of SH5 (used) at Amazon: $43.07

Cost of SH community's time to make SH5 playable: 2 years

Kuniworth's post: priceless

Commie · 03-15-10, 11:31 AM

Double plus good!

Kuniworth · 03-15-10, 11:56 AM

Hooverhead posted some interesting things too:

First of all I can't play for 2 days because this drm.

THen uboat is impossible to figure out how to manage. No manual, no useful commands, nothing. Me and my crew just looks on each other like it is some kind of circle jerk.

And you finally manage to move this son of an *** uboat at last you have to talk to that stinking disgusting cook and his special ability. Cook better food? Well not exactly my first priority I have to decide if I should kill the pirate dude or finding ways to man the ****ing deck gun. Can crew die btw or do you have drag along that moronic pirate and his *** buddies for the whole war? Where is the realism in that? Do they never speak of anything different? Just Bismarck It's like I'm not aboard an uboat but an asylum, we all are loonies trapped in a madhouse from hell.

So after 2 more days of downloading patch 1 and completing this completly stupid introduction(so0 Im captain of this moronic crowd gee thanks) it's off to sea. Can't figure anything out. Pirate stands like an drunken ***, no sonar from mr sound guy, laggy as hell, no one aboard this sorry ship heading for disaster have a clue(would be bye bye if not for the incompetent enemy that wont chase me except one stalker day and night). I think some dudes were trapped on deck when we submerged btw.

Anyway, finally our floating zoo stumbles into this troop transport. Notice something is wrong(besides everything else)the torps moves in 100 knots and the freighter flies away into the air and disappear!! Eh hm ok. Yeah you heard me ship just took off and flies away. Flying dutchman??? Buggy game? Well apperently only I reacted of the loonies aboard. Maybe I was hallucinating after 10 beers to cope with this nightmare of a game.

Silent hunter 3 had almost everything right or within sight. But no you just could'nt follow it up. You had to get the pirate in, you just had to make it some fantasy arcade shoot em up moronic crap.

Please save us from this nightmare. I just wanna smash screen when the pirate says he wants respect. Hell no boy, it's judgement day for you crazt *** motha****er.

Finally some chap sunk us and put us all out of misery. Thank god. I think everyone aboard felt happy the tragic saga had come to an end.

03-15-10, 08:02 AM	#1
Kuniworth Nub Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 2 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	Techarin's if Silent Hunter 5 was the real deal copied from UBI's forum... Just a sec .... alt tab "Syncing Savegames with Server" .... alt tab I got a few minutes and started thinking, what if real life had been like SH5? blur wipe to captain sitting at his station Capt. Log March 14th 1941 point 3, My new crew and I are on our first patrol together. Everything seems to be moving in slow motion. I have to remember not to hit the bottle so hard; though I couldn't help it this time. Last night I boarded the ship to find my XO is a cyclopes and has the admirals fist secured squarely up his... well, I guess the admiral hasn't heard of strings. The XO began by introducing me to the crew starting with "Sound Guy" and "Radio Guy." I asked why they didn't have more inventive nicknames only to hear these were their "official" titles. Apparently the BDU is letting Kindergarten into the office again. We moved on with the tour of the boat. It might have been the hangover but I could swear my footsteps were at least 25Db louder than usual. The ship however seemed to be in good shape though. Half way through the tour, the WO yelled "Task force spotted!" I sounded battle stations. "Bearing to targets?" I inquired. "Task force spotted!" the WO repeated. "Yes, I understand that. Give me the bearing!" "Task force spotted!" Astounded by the incompetence of the WO I quickly made my way to the watch tower and got out my binoculars. There was a group of 5 unescorted merchant ships to the starboard. "Ahead flank! Right 10deg. rudder!" I ordered. "Aye sir! Extreme speed head! Right 1deg!" the XO replied. "XO! I said Flank and 10deg rudder!" "Sir, Extreme speed is the new flank and I only know how to go 1 deg and 35 deg to either side?" I paused for a moment. "Alrighty then, Extreme speed ahead and 35deg starboard." "Range to target?" There was no reply. "Range to target!?" There was no reply. "Nav. Officer! Range to target?" I shouted. Again, no reply. The Nav. officer merely stared back at me. Christ, I thought to myself. I pulled out the map and calculated the range: 2500m. Why didn't the watch see them sooner... whatever "WO, man the deck gun." "MAN THE DECK GUN," the WO bellowed. I ordered the deck gun crew to fire on the closest ships. After a few solid hits it began to sink. My first kill! Without orders the deck gun crew began to fire on a 2nd merchant. "Whoa!" I shouted. "WO, secure the deck gun." "MAN THE DECK GUN" "No, secure it!" "MAN THE DECK GUN "Sailor! I order you to cease fire!" "MAN THE DECK GUN" "Christ! Nav officer, prepare to dive. What's our depth under keel!" The Nav Officer again just stared at me. "Hello?" I said over the com. "Ah, forget it. Dive! All hands below, Secure the deck gun! Dive!" "MAN THE DECK GUN" Yeah, you stay here and take care of that I started below, the hatch closing behind me. Realizing the watch crew was still on deck, I poked my head down from the con to order a halt to the dive. Immediately I noticed the entire watch crew already below deck. I could have sworn I was the first one down but I didn't have time to think about that. "Periscope depth, ahead standard, rudder amidships." "Aye sir! Half speed ahead." "No no... standard, ahead standard." "Yes sir, half speed is the new standard." Seriously? Could BDU have really let that many 5 year olds in. "Ok then, half speed ahead! Up periscope." I peered through the scope eying the burning wreckage of the first ship and the other ships making a futile attempt to escape. The crew was quiet, except for the muttering of the WO who was whispering to himself, "man the deck gun... we have to man the deck gun." Next time I see the admiral I'll have to remember to thank him for the wonderful crew We were within 1000m now so I began calculations for firing torpedos. "XO, where are the TDC controls?" "Sir?" "The TDC damnit! The thing you use to aim the torpedos!!" "Oh sir, now we look at the map. You see this #2, when it is on top of this other #2 you order me to fire." ... ... ... Yep, BDU had definitely been invaded by Kindergarten. As the numbers came closer and closer together tension began to build. This kill would end our patrol and I could return to base an ACE. Finally the moment of glory... "FIRE!!" "Aye sir! Torpedos away!" I watched eagerly, my stopwatch ticking the seconds until history would record my name. Suddenly, without warning or explanation the target vanished! "What happened! 'Sound Guy' report all contacts!" "Sir?" "Oh never mind, surface!" I ran to the watch tower and looked everywhere; my target was no where to be found. "XO, where'd they go." "Where'd what go sir?" "My target!" "What target sir... oh, and by the way, your torpedos missed... arrrr" I went below. I went to my cabin. This was not the navy I once new. Command has been overrun by 5 year olds. My crew has obviously never had any training. Nothing works like it's supposed to. And not that it matters since the Allies have invented some type of teleportation technology. As I began hitting my head against the bulk head, I heard it. I heard it... echoing down the con... throughout the entire ship... The sound that will drive me to the brink of insanity... The personification of all that is wrong with the world... the epitome of all incompetence... "MAN THE DECK GUN"

03-15-10, 08:35 AM	#4
Safe-Keeper Ocean Warrior Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Norway Posts: 3,234 Downloads: 11 Uploads: 0	God, how I hate the 1-2-3 system. What if I'm firing at a target more than one kilometer away? Why give my torpedoes a range of 12 kilometres when I can only accurately fire at ships that are right under my nose? Look, I appreciate that they're trying to make the easiest setting more challenging, but seriously, either let the numbers go higher or just add an SHIII-style option to let me just point at a target and let the weapon officer take care of the rest. __________________ First Strike Mod tester. Hardcore sub skipper.

03-15-10, 09:28 AM	#6
SteamWake Rear Admiral Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 13,224 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	His first post and nailed it spot on ! I just have one thing to say... MAN THE DECK GUN ! __________________ Follow the progress of Mr. Mulligan : http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?t=147648

03-15-10, 10:07 AM	#9
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	Brilliant! And WELCOME ABOARD! __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

03-15-10, 10:21 AM	#12
Bilge_Rat Silent Hunter Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: standing watch... Posts: 3,855 Downloads: 344 Uploads: 0	beauty! __________________

03-15-10, 08:13 AM	#2
alexradu89 Lieutenant Join Date: May 2009 Location: Romania Posts: 259 Downloads: 94 Uploads: 0	If SH5 would have been the real deal, the war would have indeed ended in '43.

03-15-10, 08:27 AM	#3
SubV Planesman Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Russia Posts: 187 Downloads: 182 Uploads: 4	Kuniworth, this is priceless.

03-15-10, 09:49 AM	#8
Nippelspanner Stowaway Posts: n/a Downloads: Uploads:	Epic!

03-15-10, 10:09 AM	#11
Nippelspanner Stowaway Posts: n/a Downloads: Uploads:	This should be continued. Seriously... this is awesome! We demand more! MORE!

03-15-10, 10:59 AM	#13
7Infanterie19 Stowaway Posts: n/a Downloads: Uploads:	Cost of SH5 (new) at Amazon: $48.48 Cost of SH5 (used) at Amazon: $43.07 Cost of SH community's time to make SH5 playable: 2 years Kuniworth's post: priceless

03-15-10, 11:31 AM	#14
Commie Machinist's Mate Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 122 Downloads: 8 Uploads: 0	Double plus good!

03-15-10, 11:56 AM	#15
Kuniworth Nub Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 2 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	Hooverhead posted some interesting things too: First of all I can't play for 2 days because this drm. THen uboat is impossible to figure out how to manage. No manual, no useful commands, nothing. Me and my crew just looks on each other like it is some kind of circle jerk. And you finally manage to move this son of an * uboat at last you have to talk to that stinking disgusting cook and his special ability. Cook better food? Well not exactly my first priority I have to decide if I should kill the pirate dude or finding ways to man the ing deck gun. Can crew die btw or do you have drag along that moronic pirate and his * buddies for the whole war? Where is the realism in that? Do they never speak of anything different? Just Bismarck It's like I'm not aboard an uboat but an asylum, we all are loonies trapped in a madhouse from hell. So after 2 more days of downloading patch 1 and completing this completly stupid introduction(so0 Im captain of this moronic crowd gee thanks) it's off to sea. Can't figure anything out. Pirate stands like an drunken *, no sonar from mr sound guy, laggy as hell, no one aboard this sorry ship heading for disaster have a clue(would be bye bye if not for the incompetent enemy that wont chase me except one stalker day and night). I think some dudes were trapped on deck when we submerged btw. Anyway, finally our floating zoo stumbles into this troop transport. Notice something is wrong(besides everything else)the torps moves in 100 knots and the freighter flies away into the air and disappear!! Eh hm ok. Yeah you heard me ship just took off and flies away. Flying dutchman??? Buggy game? Well apperently only I reacted of the loonies aboard. Maybe I was hallucinating after 10 beers to cope with this nightmare of a game. Silent hunter 3 had almost everything right or within sight. But no you just could'nt follow it up. You had to get the pirate in, you just had to make it some fantasy arcade shoot em up moronic crap. Please save us from this nightmare. I just wanna smash screen when the pirate says he wants respect. Hell no boy, it's judgement day for you crazt * motha****er. Finally some chap sunk us and put us all out of misery. Thank god. I think everyone aboard felt happy the tragic saga had come to an end.