YOUR WORST bernard MOMENT!?!?!??!?

ryanglavin · 07-08-09, 07:29 PM

Yarp, i felt like making a Bernard thread:

Rules are;
Stories about bernard, screenies accepted.
heres mine:

It is a dark cool night in autumn of 1940, and i just had a successful attack on a convoy in U-123, my new IX-B submarine. We expended all our torpedoes. Bernard had just finished a cup of tea, and exclaimed
"Ah, Herr Kaleun, your skills and cunning in attacking that convoy was remarkable. I couldn't have done it better!"
Which i replied with "Of course you couldn't have done it better!"
With Bernard now steamed out of his shorts, he threw the cup of Tea at me. It missed because we all know Bernard is a clutz. Then my first mate comes up with a great idea to curse us all. "Herr Kaleun, what if you let Bernard take charge in case we spot another convoy?"
I heartily replied "Of course! It would be a great experience for Bernard if he actually commanded a ship!"
I was knowing, of course, that we had run out of torpedoes. In the next 30 minutes, i reported this to the crew, which they all found hilarious. "I can't wait to sh*t my pants when i see bernard raise the 'scope, and realize it still has its lense cap on!" one of the mechanist's said.

The next couple of days went by uneventful, but then we spotted a convoy. I thought to myself, "He's going to go to periscope depth and try to attack from there." He actually opens the hatch and goes to the UZO. He then orders schnorkel depth, which we have no idea what that is. He tells us "Its 10 meters, don't you know anything about this game???" The lead destroyer is completely oblivious to us, and Bernard is making a solution to sink it. When it was 1000 yards away, bernard comes down through the now flooding hatch, and straps himself with some dynamite!!!

Bernard then proceeds to stuff himself inside the #1 torpedo tube, dynamite and all. He tells us to fire the tube, and we gladly oblige, knowing full well Bernard is a horrible swimmer and couldn't make it out of the tube. As commander of the boat with Bernard gone, i watch the destroyer through my periscope, while my boat is slowly getting the water pumped out.
3 minutes pass, and i see the destroyer stopped in its tracks. Suddenly, the engine room blows up, the destroyer sinks, and Bernard comes swimming back to our boat. I scream at the engine room crew "HES COMING BACK!!! full speed back and surface the boat!!" They somehow accomplish this task while laughing at Bernard still alive. I send out a message to Donitz, which read: Bernard attacked Destroyer. Bernard lost, destroyer sunk.
We return to base at flank speed, and consume all our fuel. While docking at our berth in Lorient, Donitz comes running out from his chateau, screamiing "Bernard made it back!!! At this horrible news, and bernard comes walking out of the doorway. I precede to tell my crew man the deck and flak guns and open up on him. We kill half our band, we kill Donitz, and bernard is blown to pieces. A great patrol just got better.

Telgriff · 07-08-09, 08:30 PM

I think my most recent horror that is Bernard was when he was playing with the hydrophones, reported a warship at close range.
I decide to glass it, see what kind of warship and whether its worth a fish or two.....

'WE"RE TAKING DAMAGE HERR KELEUN!'
The 'warship' - I.e. Fishing trawler scrapes over our sub, destroying the attack periscope, and damaging the bridge. Realising it hit something it starts tossing depth charges around...

'Bernard.. that is not close, that is ON TOP OF US'

But. I did end up sinking that trawler thanks to a quick snap shot from the stern tube for some nice payback..

PavelKirilovich · 07-08-09, 10:10 PM

I think my most significant Bernard moment so far was forgetting that my default Push To Talk hotkey is the default "Raise Observation Periscope" key. Running around at periscope depth is not so stealthy when your largest periscope is exposed by a full third, in calm seas, with bright blue skies, moving at four knots. Bernard just wanted to see the outside world. Really, really badly.

Ninja'ly. :rotfl:

badwolf · 07-08-09, 10:22 PM

My worst Bernard moment.

After a long patrol and returning to port, tiredness was overcoming me. I plotted a course to just inside the harbour knowing that at the last waypoint engines will allstop. I left Bernard in charge while I took a nap. I was awakened by shouting and loud screeching noises. The auto plotted course does not stop engines when in port and I had rammed 3 ships and took terrible damage. When I approached Bernard he just gave me that usual Bernard STARE!

Sag75 · 07-08-09, 11:21 PM

This is mine..

I hit and stopped a Digo class light cruser inside a convoy! nice.. Smartly, I got close to the cruiser hull to avoid DDs hunt and ordered all stop.... fine!

anyway, after a while DDs went away..

so I left Bernard play with TC (my boat is high tech!)...........

...and at full stop the boat broke the surface and the Digo heavy cannons destroyied me in just ONE SHOT !!!!!

I lost a 45,000t mission that day!

Pohl · 07-09-09, 01:33 AM

After taking down a full TF with the Bismarck I let bernard plot us a course back into home and TCx1024...but then as soon as I zoomed in into the map I saw Bernard leading us straight into a island...yes I crashed the Bismarck against a island at full ahead....I had the island no more than 50 meters away from me when I tried and failed to avoid it with a right full rudder and full back ahead...It would have been fun to see the pride of the kriegsmarine stuck in a island....for all those memories
THANK YOU BERNARD!

papa_smurf · 07-09-09, 04:23 AM

Far too many to mention..........

meduza · 07-09-09, 04:40 PM

One of these moments happened today. I was entering Toulon harbor and sailed behind the escort. Bernard took over.

When the escort came near the docks, she turned around to make a new run. Bernard followed her. It took me few minutes before I realized we're going in the wrong direction. :rotfl:

DaveU186 · 07-09-09, 04:57 PM

I told Bernard there was no way our XXI would be able to steer out of Lorient, but he assured me it would.

07-09-09, 05:57 PM

Who is Bernard?

Monica Lewinsky · 07-09-09, 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CastleBravo

Who is Bernard?

A DUMMYcrat ? Like the current resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue ? Maybe ...

http://learnabit.homeserver.com/lab/..._Line_Ever.wmv

07-09-09, 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monica Lewinsky

A DUMMYcrat ? Like the current resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue ? Maybe ...

http://learnabit.homeserver.com/lab/..._Line_Ever.wmv

So it's Bob Hope? Got it, thank you!

mookiemookie · 07-09-09, 11:15 PM

The worst moment I had was running smack into a speck of an island at high TC off the northern coast of Britain. I had changed my settings so that my TC wouldn't drop when I was close to land to make transiting the Kiel canal easier. It worked all fine well and good until I plotted my course and wasn't zoomed in enough to see that this itsy bitsy island was laying directly in my path.

I got the game over screen and smacked my head when I reloaded and saw what exactly had happened.

Kpt. Lehmann · 07-10-09, 01:30 AM

LOL... not mine, but someone else's....

PRIVATEER CRASH DIVES IN HARBORS!!!

TarJak · 07-10-09, 02:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kpt. Lehmann

LOL... not mine, but someone else's....

PRIVATEER CRASH DIVES IN HARBORS!!!

I thought yours was posting about your need for coffee.

07-08-09, 08:30 PM	#2
Telgriff 中国水兵 Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Australia Posts: 272 Downloads: 3 Uploads: 0	I think my most recent horror that is Bernard was when he was playing with the hydrophones, reported a warship at close range. I decide to glass it, see what kind of warship and whether its worth a fish or two..... 'WE"RE TAKING DAMAGE HERR KELEUN!' The 'warship' - I.e. Fishing trawler scrapes over our sub, destroying the attack periscope, and damaging the bridge. Realising it hit something it starts tossing depth charges around... 'Bernard.. that is not close, that is ON TOP OF US' But. I did end up sinking that trawler thanks to a quick snap shot from the stern tube for some nice payback.. __________________ Back into the hunt after far too long, GWX 3 Gold, SH3 Commander, DiD Rules, 27% realism and rising Intel Core2Duo 6400 GeForce 8800GTS 4 Gig DDr2

07-08-09, 10:10 PM	#3
PavelKirilovich Machinist's Mate Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Canadian Coast Posts: 123 Downloads: 28 Uploads: 0	I think my most significant Bernard moment so far was forgetting that my default Push To Talk hotkey is the default "Raise Observation Periscope" key. Running around at periscope depth is not so stealthy when your largest periscope is exposed by a full third, in calm seas, with bright blue skies, moving at four knots. Bernard just wanted to see the outside world. Really, really badly. Ninja'ly. :rotfl: __________________ Winter Garden on the North Atlantic Currently: U128 (Type IXC), U180 (Type IXD2), U198 (Type IXD2) operating in the I.O. Previously: U48 (Type VIIB), U568 (Type VIIC) [Completed 1940-1945 career in Type VIIs, in the Atlantic] Running: SH3 v1.4b w/ GWX 2.1

07-08-09, 11:21 PM	#5
Sag75 XO Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Canada Posts: 424 Downloads: 45 Uploads: 0	This is mine.. I hit and stopped a Digo class light cruser inside a convoy! nice.. Smartly, I got close to the cruiser hull to avoid DDs hunt and ordered all stop.... fine! anyway, after a while DDs went away.. so I left Bernard play with TC (my boat is high tech!)........... ...and at full stop the boat broke the surface and the Digo heavy cannons destroyied me in just ONE SHOT !!!!! I lost a 45,000t mission that day! __________________ Betasom - XI Gruppo Sommergibili Atlantici http://www.betasom.it/forum/index.php

07-09-09, 01:33 AM	#6
Pohl Sparky Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 157 Downloads: 31 Uploads: 0	After taking down a full TF with the Bismarck I let bernard plot us a course back into home and TCx1024...but then as soon as I zoomed in into the map I saw Bernard leading us straight into a island...yes I crashed the Bismarck against a island at full ahead....I had the island no more than 50 meters away from me when I tried and failed to avoid it with a right full rudder and full back ahead...It would have been fun to see the pride of the kriegsmarine stuck in a island....for all those memories THANK YOU BERNARD! __________________ Current Careers: U-177 Type IXD2, 10th Flotilla March 13, 1943 U-3502 Type XXI, 7th/13th Flotilla April 14, 1942 100% realism, GWX 3.0, SH3 Commander 3.2

07-09-09, 04:23 AM	#7
papa_smurf Ocean Warrior Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: High Peak, Derbyshire Posts: 2,851 Downloads: 33 Uploads: 0	Far too many to mention.......... __________________

07-08-09, 07:29 PM	#1
ryanglavin Samurai Navy Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Evading that Hunter/Killer Group on my Tail Posts: 584 Downloads: 35 Uploads: 0	YOUR WORST bernard MOMENT!?!?!??!? Yarp, i felt like making a Bernard thread: Rules are; Stories about bernard, screenies accepted. heres mine: It is a dark cool night in autumn of 1940, and i just had a successful attack on a convoy in U-123, my new IX-B submarine. We expended all our torpedoes. Bernard had just finished a cup of tea, and exclaimed "Ah, Herr Kaleun, your skills and cunning in attacking that convoy was remarkable. I couldn't have done it better!" Which i replied with "Of course you couldn't have done it better!" With Bernard now steamed out of his shorts, he threw the cup of Tea at me. It missed because we all know Bernard is a clutz. Then my first mate comes up with a great idea to curse us all. "Herr Kaleun, what if you let Bernard take charge in case we spot another convoy?" I heartily replied "Of course! It would be a great experience for Bernard if he actually commanded a ship!" I was knowing, of course, that we had run out of torpedoes. In the next 30 minutes, i reported this to the crew, which they all found hilarious. "I can't wait to sh*t my pants when i see bernard raise the 'scope, and realize it still has its lense cap on!" one of the mechanist's said. The next couple of days went by uneventful, but then we spotted a convoy. I thought to myself, "He's going to go to periscope depth and try to attack from there." He actually opens the hatch and goes to the UZO. He then orders schnorkel depth, which we have no idea what that is. He tells us "Its 10 meters, don't you know anything about this game???" The lead destroyer is completely oblivious to us, and Bernard is making a solution to sink it. When it was 1000 yards away, bernard comes down through the now flooding hatch, and straps himself with some dynamite!!! Bernard then proceeds to stuff himself inside the #1 torpedo tube, dynamite and all. He tells us to fire the tube, and we gladly oblige, knowing full well Bernard is a horrible swimmer and couldn't make it out of the tube. As commander of the boat with Bernard gone, i watch the destroyer through my periscope, while my boat is slowly getting the water pumped out. 3 minutes pass, and i see the destroyer stopped in its tracks. Suddenly, the engine room blows up, the destroyer sinks, and Bernard comes swimming back to our boat. I scream at the engine room crew "HES COMING BACK!!! full speed back and surface the boat!!" They somehow accomplish this task while laughing at Bernard still alive. I send out a message to Donitz, which read: Bernard attacked Destroyer. Bernard lost, destroyer sunk. We return to base at flank speed, and consume all our fuel. While docking at our berth in Lorient, Donitz comes running out from his chateau, screamiing "Bernard made it back!!! At this horrible news, and bernard comes walking out of the doorway. I precede to tell my crew man the deck and flak guns and open up on him. We kill half our band, we kill Donitz, and bernard is blown to pieces. A great patrol just got better.

07-08-09, 10:22 PM	#4
badwolf XO Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 427 Downloads: 59 Uploads: 0	My worst Bernard moment. After a long patrol and returning to port, tiredness was overcoming me. I plotted a course to just inside the harbour knowing that at the last waypoint engines will allstop. I left Bernard in charge while I took a nap. I was awakened by shouting and loud screeching noises. The auto plotted course does not stop engines when in port and I had rammed 3 ships and took terrible damage. When I approached Bernard he just gave me that usual Bernard STARE!

07-09-09, 04:40 PM	#8
meduza Ace of the Deep Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: on patrol Posts: 1,035 Downloads: 40 Uploads: 0	One of these moments happened today. I was entering Toulon harbor and sailed behind the escort. Bernard took over. When the escort came near the docks, she turned around to make a new run. Bernard followed her. It took me few minutes before I realized we're going in the wrong direction. :rotfl: __________________

07-09-09, 04:57 PM	#9
DaveU186 Torpedoman Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 112 Downloads: 14 Uploads: 0	I told Bernard there was no way our XXI would be able to steer out of Lorient, but he assured me it would.

07-09-09, 05:57 PM	#10
CastleBravo Stowaway Posts: n/a Downloads: Uploads:	Who is Bernard?

07-09-09, 11:15 PM	#13
mookiemookie Navy Seal Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Houston, TX Posts: 9,404 Downloads: 105 Uploads: 1	The worst moment I had was running smack into a speck of an island at high TC off the northern coast of Britain. I had changed my settings so that my TC wouldn't drop when I was close to land to make transiting the Kiel canal easier. It worked all fine well and good until I plotted my course and wasn't zoomed in enough to see that this itsy bitsy island was laying directly in my path. I got the game over screen and smacked my head when I reloaded and saw what exactly had happened. __________________ They don’t think it be like it is, but it do. Want more U-boat Kaleun portraits for your SH3 Commander Profiles? Download the SH3 Commander Portrait Pack here.

07-10-09, 01:30 AM	#14
Kpt. Lehmann GWX Project Director Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: The Republic of Texas Posts: 6,993 Downloads: 124 Uploads: 0	LOL... not mine, but someone else's.... PRIVATEER CRASH DIVES IN HARBORS!!! __________________ www.thegreywolves.com All you need is good men. - Heinrich Lehmann-Willenbrock