how to not get respect

[Tamok123]

"I told my psychiatrist that I had suicidal tendencies. He said that from now on I have to pay in advance."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born." "My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing
to play with."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff."

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

"I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning."

"Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him... Do you think we'll ever find them? He said... I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said... On your mark..."

"When my old man wanted sex... my mother would show him a picture of me."

"One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!"

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"

"A girl phoned me and said... Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!"

"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"

"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me... What'll you have? I said... surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife."

"One day... as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy... Hey buddy... why are you doing that for? He said... Because you came home early."

"I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion... he said... Alright... you're ugly too!"

"When I was born the doctor took one look at my face... turned me over and said.. Look... twins!"

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."