A message from John Cleese

[Linton]

New Year's Message from John Cleese (of Monty Python fame) to the Citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the Revocation of your Independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories excepting Kansas, which she does not
fancy. Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily tea time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Sincerely,
John Cleese

[sonar732]

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

[trekchu]

Rule Britannia. :rotfl:

[August]

That's like the sixth time that crap has been posted here. You limeys lost the war, get over it.

[Subnuts]

He didn't write this.

[Rotary Crewman]

Originally Posted by August

That's like the sixth time that crap has been posted here. You limeys lost the war, get over it.

Bless.

I found this for you...

[The WosMan]

Just to settle the aluminum/aluminium situation, in the US dictionary it is spelled "Aluminum" and it has 4 syllables. In the UK it is spelled "aluminium" and it has 5 syllables. Hence, both are correct.

In the UK and other countries using British spelling, only aluminium is used. In the United States, the spelling aluminium is largely unknown, and the spelling aluminum predominates.[26][27] The Canadian Oxford Dictionary prefers aluminum, whereas the Australian Macquarie Dictionary prefers aluminium. The spelling in virtually all other languages is analogous to the -ium ending.

[Letum]

Originally Posted by The WosMan

Just to settle the aluminum/aluminium situation, in the US dictionary it is spelled "Aluminum" and it has 4 syllables. In the UK it is spelled "aluminium" and it has 5 syllables. Hence, both are correct.

That just means you pronounce and spell it incorrectly.

[August]

Originally Posted by Rotary Crewman

I found this for you...

I'll remember that picture next time i hear some whining over U-571...

[mrbeast]

Originally Posted by August

That's like the sixth time that crap has been posted here. You limeys lost the war, get over it.

Ha ha but we won in 1812.....well kinda....!













Ok so it was a bit of a stalemate.

[Stealth Hunter]

Originally Posted by August

That's like the sixth time that crap has been posted here. You limeys lost the war, get over it.

Indeed. Damn British. You should see how many think that they won World War II single-handed! Here's a few links to YouTube videos with dozens of comments like that:



Here's an example:

Rubbish.

The USa sat back and hardly set anything during the battle of Britain.
If anything it was the British and her allies who saved the USA.
After pearl harbour the USA did nothing but surrender for 6 months. While the British and allies fought on against impossible odds on all sides of the globe.
The USA owe their lives to the British.
USa would still be fighting the Japs if Britain didn't start creating a nuclear weapon.

Another video:



WHAT! how the ---- dare you say we did nothing out there, we sent 400,000 more men to that fight then america! We got absouluty crushed in burma untill we turned things around just in time(we did that alot).

[Referring to the Pacific Theatre]

From that same video:

Dont forget us brits were there fighting alot longer and alot more really then the americans although they had the war speed up by more then likely another 4-5 years.


This next section comes from the website IMDB. The specific board is for the film "The Patriot". You need an account to view the board messages, but it's free. Here's a few examples of the posts made by British members (note that these are actual posts):


[From the thread "Britain Won the War of 1812"]

- Britain killed more men than they lost.

- Britain repulsed an attempted American invasion into Canada.

- Britain burned down a part of America's capital city.

- A British counter invasion into America forced the US to surrender and sign the Treaty of Ghent.


Therefore, Britain won the war of 1812.
Sorry America.


[From the thread "Great War Movie!" from the "Saving Private Ryan" film board]

I think, you didn´t watched many war movies. At least not the real good ones like "Paths of Glory", "All quiet on the Western Front" or Das Boot.
SPR is in large parts unrealistic.
It has the amazing landing scene and the sound effects. That´s it.
The rest suffers from bad story writing and Spielbergian US-sentimentalism.


[From the same thread]

SPR is a fall backwards into the movie making of the 1940´s.
Or better: Into the story writing of the 1940´s.
Ethnocentric?
Yes. After the huge US flag showed up in the beginning, I had no questions anymore....and the movie was from this point of time on like I´ve expected it.


On the same site, one British user claimed that the light bulb was a British invention as was the airplane! Don't make me laugh. I know not all the Brits are as arrogant as these people, but the majority that I've had discussions with actually believe that they could have won World War II alone, without Russia's help of the US' help. How the hell do they get these ideas in their heads?

I told one user, "Look, you're wrong on all accounts. The British needed the United States. They gave them supplies during the war and backed them on 85% of battles taking place in Europe. You're young, so here's what I want you to do: Go out and find the oldest British veteran from World War II that you can. Ask him about the United States' involvement in the war. Chances are, he'll give them a lot more credit than your thick skull can give out."

On that same board, I had 25 different users from Britain jump in and attack that post. They said that the United States NEVER gave Britain one thing during the Battle of Britain. They denied the existence of pilots such as Billy Fiske (however, I posted a link to a historical page on the man, and they then said that his campaign was largely exaggerated). They even had the audacity to claim that Britain had never lost a war/battle in the past (even after I explained to them what a disaster Kabul was in January of 1842).

As I said, I know not all of them are that way, but how can you become that arrogant as these particular people were?

[Kapitan_Phillips]

Nope, we couldn't have won WW2 without you, fair enough.

But before we came along, you guys were speaking cherokee

[Letum]

Originally Posted by Kapitan_Phillips

Nope, we couldn't have won WW2 without you, fair enough.

But before we came along, you guys were speaking cherokee

Ha! the soviets could have won it with out England or America, even if it ment a retreat well beyond Moscow first.

Originally Posted by Kapitan_Phillips

But before we came along, you guys were speaking cherokee

Istokmus wacipo, tuwayatunwanpi kinhan ista nisasapi kta.

Sorry, that wasn't Cherokee, more like Dakota.

[The WosMan]

Woah woah. Come on guys, the brits are our best blokes. I have many brit friends and they all feel themselves to be closer to us Americans than to the rest of Europe. Save that energy for France. Don't take what a few idiots said and use it to set up the whole country. We have plenty of morons in this country that don't even know the name of their President or VP or anything else. The limey's are just breaking our bollocks.