The idiot's guide to pronouncing "nuclear" and other difficult words

[SUBMAN1]

In late October, 2006, Sen. John Kerry put himself in hot water with a joke that implied U.S. troops were, shall we say, less than "A" students. Republicans convulsed in an uproar, claiming that the troops are not only smart enough to win the war in Iraq, but their Commander In Chief is also so smart that someday he hopes to learn how to pronounce the word, "Nuclear."

For the less gifted among us, please note that the word "Nuclear" is not pronounced "New-Cue-Ler." If you didn't know that, then you definitely qualify as an idiot and may want to consider running for public office.


As a public service to all the geniuses among us who have not yet figured out how to pronounce common English words, I offer this simple pronunciation guide at no extra charge. We'll start with "nuclear."


Special note: This article is offered as an entertaining, whimsical look at human linguistics that makes fun of us all (myself included). The satirical tone is entirely fictional and is not meant to actually offend anyone, unless of course you really are an idiot.


Nuclear. Note that there is no "U" between the "C" and the "L." That's an interesting clue to the correct pronunciation, and the more witty among us have figured out that it means the "C" and "L" should be pronounced together, as in the word, "CLEAR." Of course, if you're an idiot, you might pronounce "CLEAR" as "Cue-Ler" in which case your mental capacity is so seriously limited that you only qualify as a registered voter.


Cavalry. Continuing with our series of tricky military words devised by cunning linguists, there's the word "Cavalry." This one really stumps a whole lot of people who, under the influence of some demonic possession, look at the word and gleefully say, "CALVARY!" That is, they move the "L" to the front of the word with absolutely no regard to the location in which it actually appears.


They don't do it with other words, though. "CAMELS" doesn't become "CALMES." And "SCALPEL" doesn't become "SCLAPEL." But for some reason, "CAVALRY" is so frequently transformed into "CALVARY" -- even by people who are not, technically, idiots -- that no one even chuckles upon hearing it anymore.


By the way, for the record, "Cavalry" means military units who are mounted on horseback, and "Calvary" is the name of the hill upon which Jesus Christ was crucified. So if you scream, "Go Calvary!" then you are, in effect, acting as the pep squad for the people who killed Christ.


Frustrate. Note that this word has two "R" letters: one after the "F" and another after the "T." The letters are there to indicate that you should pronounce them. So I don't want to hear "Fustrate" any more (without the "R"). The word is "Frustrate" with a very obvious "Fru..." at the beginning.


It's really not that difficult to pronounce. If you can say, "Fridge" or "Freezer" or "Fries" then you can say "Frustrate." But for some reason, some people can't, which is very fustrating for everybody else. Consider this: Dropping the "R" from "frustrate" makes you sound about as smart as someone who says, "LIBARY" instead of, "LIBRARY." And if you don't believe me, you can look it up at the libary yourself.


Realtor. I'm gonna get hate mail for this one, I can already tell. The word, "Realtor" has but TWO syllables. Count 'em: REAL - TOR. All idiots please take note: there is no "I" in realtor. It isn't spelled "REALITOR" and pronounced with three syllables. If you, like many idiots, add an extra vowel to this word, you are really saying, "Re-Litter" which is the opposite of recycling and is bad for the environment.


Aluminum. This is a special lesson for the Brits. Count with me as we traverse the syllables in this word. 1..2..3..4. Yes, that's four syllables. A - lu - mi - num. Four. Now, just because you live in a miserable climate in the North Atlantic doesn't give you the right to spontaneously add random syllables to English words. Somehow, you manage to turn this four syllable word into FIVE syllables: Al - u - mi - ni - um. It's the kind of pronunciation that makes a Yank stop and shudder while we check our red, white and blue checkered underwear. So Brits, for the sake of all the Yanks listening, please limit your pronunciation of "aluminum" to four syllables. Same rule applies to "jewelry," which only has three syllables, not four.


Of course, here in the states, we have the opposite problem. We take syllables out of words for no reason. "Mayonnaise" becomes "Mannaise" for no apparent reason. We also struggle with the word, "mischievous," to which we attach an extra syllable, incorrectly turning it into, "mis-chee-vee-us." Tricky, eh? We learned that from you guys.


Especially. One way to really stand out in a crowd and announce that you're an idiot is to add an "X" to the front of this word. If you say, "EXspecially," then you may want to be aware that any such utterance automatically subtracts 50 points from your I.Q. Drop the "X" and just say the letters that are really there.


February. I know, I know. This is one that we all get wrong, myself included. The first "R" is, technically, supposed to be pronounced. But have you ever actually heard anyone say, "Fe-BREW-airy?" It sounds like they're suffering from some sort of exotic tongue disorder. This is one word that I simply refuse to pronounce according to the book. That might, of course, make me an idiot, too. But I'd rather be called an idiot than caught on tape saying "Fe-BREW-airy."


Some phrases, too, need to be clarified for the idiots among us. There is no such thing as a "Heineken Remover," okay? It's called the "Heimlich maneuver," and it's named after a guy named, well, Heimlich.


There's is no such thing as, "carpool tunnel syndrome." It's called, "Carpal Tunnel Syndrome" and has nothing to do with commuting.


"Alzheimer's disease" is not "Old-Timer's disease" unless, of course, you are suffering from it yourself, in which case the confusion is generally tolerated.


Remember, words are only useful when we all agree to use the SAME words to impart meaning. If you want to invent your own private language using made-up words, syllables and phrases, go right ahead. Just don't expect to communicate with anyone else. (And if you are one of those rare geeks who actually speaks Klingon, please schedule a lobotomy to remove the linguistic processing section of your frontal lobe so that you can coexist with normal human society.)


The way you speak words is a fairly accurate indicator of the way you use them in your own head. And if you're butchering the English language in your own head with words like "New-Cue-Ler" and "Cal-va-ry" then chances are the lights are pretty dim in there.


And while you may not be able to upgrade your actual I.Q., you can at least create the illusion of intelligence by practicing the correct pronunciation of these common words and phrases. Fool your friends! Impress your family! Master your native tongue!


Or, at the very least, avoiding speaking like a fool.

[Penelope_Grey]

Aluminium is definately a 5 Sylable word.

Al - u - min - i - um

5

[Prof]

Originally Posted by SUBMAN1

February. I know, I know. This is one that we all get wrong, myself included. The first "R" is, technically, supposed to be pronounced. But have you ever actually heard anyone say, "Fe-BREW-airy?" It sounds like they're suffering from some sort of exotic tongue disorder. This is one word that I simply refuse to pronounce according to the book. That might, of course, make me an idiot, too. But I'd rather be called an idiot than caught on tape saying "Fe-BREW-airy."

I do! Though I don't have the irritating American trait of over-stressing syllables, so it sounds more like 'FEB-ru-ry'

[Letum]

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

This makes my blood boil!

Why, oh, why can Americans not learn to speak like civilised people?!


Friedrich Nietzsche
Thats Fred-Rik Nie-tch-eer
NOT
Fred-Rik Nie-zee-he

and it's ael - ju'mrn - i - em
Not only do Americans pronounce this incorrectly, they also spell it a few letters short.

[Skybird]

There is no letter K in Friedrich Nietzsche. CH is difficult to be imagined for Anglosaxons. I still wait for my first American or English pronouncing it correctly. You kind of put the back part of your tongue upwards and press it slightly against your palate, then breath out through your mouth and the small slit between palate and tongue. the hissing sound resulting is how CH is pronounced. It is no "K"!



"ie" is spelled like the eeee in "eeeek".

And "tzsche" is pronounced like the first in Che Guevara, with a T put in front of it.

:p

[Prof]

Originally Posted by Skybird

There is no letter K in Friedrich Nietzsche. CH is difficult to be imagined for Anglosaxons. I still wait for my first American or English pronouncing it correctly. You kind of put the back part of your tongue upwards and press it slightly against your palate, then breath out through your mouth and the small slit between palate and tongue. the hissing sound resulting is how CH is pronounced. It is no "K"!

You might as well talk to a brick wall rather than try to teach the English how to pronounce the 'ch' in Friedrich. We Scots still haven't managed to get them to pronounce 'loch' (as in Loch Ness, Loch Lomond, etc...) correctly!

[The WosMan]

Here is one thing that really grates my midwest non-accent nerves. I can't stand how New Englanders, New Yorkers, and the Brits always throw an "R" on the end of any word that ends in an "A" so they will say "encyclopediar, datar, Sodar, etc......" The funny thing is if I am talking to one of my good brit friends over teamspeak I will intentionally throw R's on words like that and they don't even notice it.

[Chock]

How to sound like you are from England:

Every American knows that there are only two English accents. They both appear in films frequently. First you have the peasantry, they say things like: 'Cor blimey guv'nor, it's a proper ow-dyer-do and no mistake'. In films, these will be butlers, chauffers, tommies that meet American soldiers on Omaha Beach in WW2 films , and thieves. Then you have the toffs. In films, these will be either posh people that swan about in Edwardian England quoting poetry and swooning over lost love whilst rowing up the river near Oxford University, or they will be playing German terrorists in the Die Hard movies, occasionally, they will play Spitfire pilots in WW2 films. You can recognise them by their common phraseology, they say things like: 'How do you do old chap, that's awfully decent of you old boy'.

To pass yourself off (or 'orf', if you are being one of the posh types), as one of these plucky Brits, here are some handy pronunciation tips:

Tomato: Tom-art-oh

Buoy: Boy

Semi: Sem-ee

Faucet: Tap

Truck: Lorry, Juggernaut, or pantechnicon if you are posh

Automobile: Car, or Motor-car if you are posh

Airplane: Aer-o-plane or aircraft if you are a posh Spitfire pilot

Sidewalk: Pavement or Kerb if you are posh

Irony: Eye-ron-ee

Median: Cent-ral res-er-va-tion

Drapes: Cur-tains

Leicestershire: Lest-er-sher

Paris, France: Paris - in England, nobody cares if there is a place in the US with the same name

Glasgow: Glaz-go, or Glaz-gee, if you are Scottish

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch: Llanfair PG, the full name of the town is only used by Welsh people to annoy their English neighbours

Motorcycle: Bike, or Mot-er-sigh-kul if you are posh

Double decaffeinated latte: Nice cup of tea, this is universal regardless of class

Freeway: Mot=er-way, or dual carriageway if you are posh

Union Jack: Union flag

European Union: Bloody com-mon mar-ket

Sub-altern: sub-ul-tun

Sgt Major: Sarn-may-jaw or Sarge if you are a peasant

The Royal family: The use-less in-breds, or mum and dad if you are posh

Submariner: Sub-ma-rin-er, and never how Bill Paxton pronounces it in U-571

Chock

[Skybird]

Originally Posted by Prof

You might as well talk to a brick wall rather than try to teach the English how to pronounce the 'ch' in Friedrich. We Scots still haven't managed to get them to pronounce 'loch' (as in Loch Ness, Loch Lomond, etc...) correctly!

:rotfl:

[Prof]

Originally Posted by Chock

Freeway: Mot=er-way, or dual carriageway if you are posh

A motorway and a dual carriageway are completely different things! One has blue signs, one has green Totally different!

[Chock]

A motorway and a dual carriageway are completely different things! One has blue signs, one has green Totally different

Humour and factual accuracy are also totally different in many cases

Chock

[Ducimus]

Originally Posted by Letum

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

This makes my blood boil!

Why, oh, why can Americans not learn to speak like civilised people?!

How do you define civilized?

[Letum]

Originally Posted by Ducimus

How do you define civilized?

It's a culturally relevant term.

In my sub-culture I am the definition of civilised.

[JSLTIGER]

Originally Posted by Penelope_Grey

Aluminium is definately a 5 Sylable word.

Al - u - min - i - um

5

Except that for us over on this side of the pond, it's not aluminium but aluminum.

Al - u - min - um

4

[Ducimus]

Ha! Okie dokey then. As the english language goes, i wonder which country has more dialects and accents, the UK or the US? I know we have a bunch, most of which im sure would have a Brit writhing in agony.