Funny Quotes thread

Kapitan_Phillips · 04-24-07, 05:35 PM

Anything someone has said seriously that cracks you up? Post it here?

“Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and that's what makes them the biggest guys on the field.” - John Madden

Platapus · 04-24-07, 08:18 PM

There I was no sh*t.

It was back in late 1999, I was attending a rather boring staff meeting with some very high ranking officers. We were discussing, as usual back then, the Y2K problem.

This O-8 actually asked at the meeting "well, what did we do last time this happened?"

The whole room came to a silent stun. Was he trying to be funny (in which we were all obligated to give a laugh)? Or not. If we laughed and he was serious this would be what we call in the Military a "bad thing".

He was not the type that was well known for his humour. No one laughed and he did not seem to be expecting any laughter.

lesrae · 04-25-07, 01:53 AM

"I'm only shallow on the surface"

A very stoned mate of mine a few years ago.

Ishmael · 04-25-07, 03:01 AM

"You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning." ...unknown Clamper.

Camaero · 04-25-07, 03:12 AM

Do movie quotes count? I just watched Operation Petticoat for the hundredth time so:

"We sunk a truck! Let's get the hell out of here!"

"It's like watching a strip tease. Don't ask how it's done, just enjoy what's coming off."

"When I was a kid, I was the victim of the most vicious propaganda. People told me that money wasn't everything and I believed it. Then I found out that the people that were telling me that money wasn't everything were the people who had a lot of money. Now there are two ways you can get money. You can steal it, or you can marry it."

"When a girl is under 21, she's protected by law. When she's over 65, she's protected by nature. Anywhere in between, she's fair game. Look out."

The Avon Lady · 04-25-07, 04:04 AM

Almost anything Yogi Berra said.

My favorite: "Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't go to yours."

jumpy · 04-25-07, 04:24 AM

There are some real classics from British sports commentator, David Coleman, I shall give only one example here as his talent for talking balls is legendary and prolific:

"The game isn't over yet, but I thought the best team won."

and my current signature, courtesy of the great Clive James (I just love his understatedly dry sense of humour)

"Private enterprises like giant aircraft went badly enough, however, and almost always there came a time when the government had to support them with public funds, pending the day they could go into service and start losing money on a commercial basis."

I shan't bother with any Bushisms, we've most likely done them to death already, but if I was to pick a favourite it would be the onle where he goes on about 'fool me once shame on you...' and gets it completely wrong infront of so many people.

Anything that comes out of Tony Blairs' mouth is a joke already, so take yiour pick

STEED · 04-25-07, 10:06 AM

Well last year I cracked everyone up with laughter when I made the comment. "If I wanted to see rubbish I would have gone to the city dump" it was a remark about the rubbish on TV.

Quote:

Nikita Khrushchev

Berlin is the testicle of the West. When I want the West to scream, I squeeze on Berlin.

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

Kapitan_Phillips · 04-25-07, 10:45 AM

Another Madden classic:

"If your arm gets hit, the ball isnt going to go where you want it to"

Sailor Steve · 04-25-07, 11:25 AM

"I've had a wonderful evening. This wasn't it."-Groucho Marx

NEON DEON · 04-25-07, 11:52 AM

"Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just happy to see me"

Mae West.

geetrue · 04-25-07, 12:18 PM

Analictical people always seem to have the same problem ...
they're either right or wrong ... Author unknown

Sailor Steve · 04-25-07, 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NEON DEON

"Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just happy to see me"

Mae West.

I've heard "banana" and I've heard "gun" (most references have "gun"), but I've never heard "roll of quarters". Where did you get that from?

Sailor Steve · 04-25-07, 04:12 PM

These quotes aren't funny, and they're both quite famous, but I've just found out something fascinating-the origination of both.

"The bigger they come, the harder they fall."-This was first said by boxer Robert Fitzsimmmons in 1899, when a reporter asked him what he thought his chances were against James J. Jeffries. A funny side note to this is the old variant "The bigger they are, the harder they hit." It's funny because in this case it was true-Fitzsimmons lost.

"Bringing home the bacon"-Another famous boxer, Jack Johnson, became the first black heavyweight champion in 1910. His mother was interviewed by a reporter, and she said "He said he'd bring home the bacon, and the honey boy has gone and did it."

U-533 · 04-25-07, 04:12 PM

Use only 1 square of toilet paper per visit?

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

04-24-07, 05:35 PM	#1
Kapitan_Phillips Silent Hunter Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Swansea Posts: 3,903 Downloads: 204 Uploads: 0	Funny Quotes thread Anything someone has said seriously that cracks you up? Post it here? “Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and that's what makes them the biggest guys on the field.” - John Madden __________________ Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.

04-25-07, 01:53 AM	#3
lesrae Grey Wolf Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Somerset, UK. Posts: 932 Downloads: 31 Uploads: 0	"I'm only shallow on the surface" A very stoned mate of mine a few years ago. __________________ DOLPHIN 38

04-25-07, 03:12 AM	#5
Camaero The Old Man Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: USA, Massachusetts Posts: 1,477 Downloads: 18 Uploads: 0	Do movie quotes count? I just watched Operation Petticoat for the hundredth time so: "We sunk a truck! Let's get the hell out of here!" "It's like watching a strip tease. Don't ask how it's done, just enjoy what's coming off." "When I was a kid, I was the victim of the most vicious propaganda. People told me that money wasn't everything and I believed it. Then I found out that the people that were telling me that money wasn't everything were the people who had a lot of money. Now there are two ways you can get money. You can steal it, or you can marry it." "When a girl is under 21, she's protected by law. When she's over 65, she's protected by nature. Anywhere in between, she's fair game. Look out." __________________

04-25-07, 04:04 AM	#6
The Avon Lady Über Mom Join Date: May 2005 Location: Jerusalem, Israel Posts: 6,147 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	Almost anything Yogi Berra said. My favorite: "Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't go to yours." __________________ "Victory will come to us from the wombs of our women." - Houari Boumedienne, President of Algeria, Speech before the UN, 1974

04-25-07, 04:24 AM	#7
jumpy Admiral Join Date: May 2003 Location: Midlands, UK Posts: 2,139 Downloads: 22 Uploads: 0	There are some real classics from British sports commentator, David Coleman, I shall give only one example here as his talent for talking balls is legendary and prolific: "The game isn't over yet, but I thought the best team won." and my current signature, courtesy of the great Clive James (I just love his understatedly dry sense of humour) "Private enterprises like giant aircraft went badly enough, however, and almost always there came a time when the government had to support them with public funds, pending the day they could go into service and start losing money on a commercial basis." I shan't bother with any Bushisms, we've most likely done them to death already, but if I was to pick a favourite it would be the onle where he goes on about 'fool me once shame on you...' and gets it completely wrong infront of so many people. Anything that comes out of Tony Blairs' mouth is a joke already, so take yiour pick __________________ when you’ve been so long in the desert, any water, no matter how brackish, looks like life

04-24-07, 08:18 PM	#2
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,362 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	There I was no sh*t. It was back in late 1999, I was attending a rather boring staff meeting with some very high ranking officers. We were discussing, as usual back then, the Y2K problem. This O-8 actually asked at the meeting "well, what did we do last time this happened?" The whole room came to a silent stun. Was he trying to be funny (in which we were all obligated to give a laugh)? Or not. If we laughed and he was serious this would be what we call in the Military a "bad thing". He was not the type that was well known for his humour. No one laughed and he did not seem to be expecting any laughter.

04-25-07, 03:01 AM	#4
Ishmael Seasoned Skipper Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Morro Bay, Ca. Posts: 659 Downloads: 79 Uploads: 0	"You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning." ...unknown Clamper.

04-25-07, 10:45 AM	#9
Kapitan_Phillips Silent Hunter Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Swansea Posts: 3,903 Downloads: 204 Uploads: 0	Another Madden classic: "If your arm gets hit, the ball isnt going to go where you want it to" __________________ Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.

04-25-07, 11:25 AM	#10
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	"I've had a wonderful evening. This wasn't it."-Groucho Marx __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

04-25-07, 11:52 AM	#11
NEON DEON Ace of the Deep Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 1,207 Downloads: 39 Uploads: 5	"Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just happy to see me" Mae West. __________________ Diesel Boats Forever!

04-25-07, 12:18 PM	#12
geetrue Cold War Boomer Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Walla Walla Posts: 2,837 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	Analictical people always seem to have the same problem ... they're either right or wrong ... Author unknown __________________

04-25-07, 04:12 PM	#14
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	These quotes aren't funny, and they're both quite famous, but I've just found out something fascinating-the origination of both. "The bigger they come, the harder they fall."-This was first said by boxer Robert Fitzsimmmons in 1899, when a reporter asked him what he thought his chances were against James J. Jeffries. A funny side note to this is the old variant "The bigger they are, the harder they hit." It's funny because in this case it was true-Fitzsimmons lost. "Bringing home the bacon"-Another famous boxer, Jack Johnson, became the first black heavyweight champion in 1910. His mother was interviewed by a reporter, and she said "He said he'd bring home the bacon, and the honey boy has gone and did it." __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

04-25-07, 04:12 PM	#15
U-533 Samurai Navy Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: On my Boat Posts: 594 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	Use only 1 square of toilet paper per visit? :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: