Communist Jokes

[The Noob]

Since i'm a commie, i would like to post some communist jokes.

This is a thread for jokes from communist or lefties, not over commies or lefties.

I'll Start.

Two Reporters meet, one Soviet and one American.

The American says: You, soviet, what motivates you to work for the pravada TV station? It's state-run, and the state does not give you any freedom of speech. See, i can go to the governement headquaters and yell "REGAN SUCKS!" and no one will harm me.

The Soviet responds: So what? I can go to red square and yell "REGAN SUCKS!" too! No one will harm me, either.

My Russian friend told me that, it's funny as hell.

Another one:

A man dies and goes to hell. There he discovers that he has a choice: he can go to capitalist hell or to communist hell. Naturally, he wants to compare the two, so he goes over to capitalist hell. There outside the door is the devil, who looks a bit like Ronald Reagan. "What's it like in there?" asks the visitor. "Well," the devil replies, "in capitalist hell, they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"That's terrible!" he gasps. "I'm going to check out communist hell!" He goes over to communist hell, where he discovers a huge queue of people waiting to get in. He waits in line. Eventually he gets to the front and there at the door to communist hell is a little old man who looks a bit like Karl Marx. "I'm still in the free world, Karl," he says, "and before I come in, I want to know what it's like in there."

"In communist hell," says Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil, and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"But… but that's the same as capitalist hell!" protests the visitor, "Why such a long queue?"

"Well," sighs Marx, "Sometimes we're out of oil, sometimes we don't have knives, sometimes no hot water…"

Do you know some jokes too? Kap? Oberon?

[AG124]

Here's one I found on the Internet once - I don't think it is meant to be offensive to anyone:

A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were visitng an art gallery, admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Englishman, after looking it over, declares "look at their stoutness, their reserve, and their calm. They must certainly be British."

"No," says the Frenchman, "they are naked and so beautiful. They must be French."

"No." says the Russian. "They have no clothes, shelter, or money, they have only an apple to eat and they are being told this is paradise. They must be Russian."

[Sailor Steve]

Old one from MAD magazine:

Yuri: Comerade, what is difference between Capitalism and Communism?

Boris: I don't know, comerade. What is difference between Capitalism and Communism?

Yuri: Under Capitalism, man exploits, uses and abuses his fellow man for his own gain and glory.

Boris: And under Communism?

Yuri: Under Communism, comerade, is other way around!

[Onkel Neal]

My ATF communist joke: "They pretend to pay us and we pretend to work."

[kiwi_2005]

Stalin summons the famous writer Sholokhov.

"I've read your novel "The reclaimed land". It's very good, I like it. I thought, why won't you write an article, say 'If the enemy doesn't surrender, he's to be finished off?"

"I am afraid I may not be able to tackle it, comrade Stalin. Lately my health is not that well."

"We'll help you. We'll send you to Georgia for a while, you'll have there some wine, and grapes."

"Yes, comrade Stalin. Then please let me bid farewell to my family."

"Why?"

"In case the article is not successful."

****************************************

A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow when the man, Boris, was hit in the head by a drop of water.

Boris turns to his wife, Natasha, and says "I think it is raining." Natasha replies that it was just snow. "No" Boris yells, "It was rain." And so it continues.

Boris and Natasha see a comrade named Rudolf coming their way. "Let's ask Rudolf what he thinks." So Boris and Natasha explain their situation to Rudolf asking whether he thought it was rain or snow.

Rudolf exclaims, in certainty, that it was rain, not snow. "It's rain not snow," he said, and walked away.

But Natasha is stubborn! She turns to Boris and says that she is still positive it was snow. And then Boris says to Natasha..

Excuse me but.. Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear! :rotfl:

[Oberon]

Funnily enough I did find a website with lots of Russian jokes. I'll highlight some here:


"What has 40 teeth and 4 legs?
-A crocodile.
What has 4 teeth and 40 legs?
-The Central Committee of the Communist Party."

"What was the nationality of Adam and Eve?
-Russian of course. Why else would they think they're in Paradise when they were homeless, naked, and just had one apple for both of them?"

"Brezhnev complains to Gromiko that he can't get used to summer and winter time changes.
- It's simple, replies Gromiko. Just move the hands on your clock one hour ahead in spring, and then move them one hour back in autumn.
- Well, says Breznev, that sounds really simple. Nevertheless, when I sent a telegram of my condolences to Egypt regarding Anwar Sadat's assasination last summer, it arrived one hour before his death. "

"Soldier Ivanov was ordered to peel a barrel of potatos.
- In this day and age, the army should have a machine to peel potatos, complains Ivanov.
- Absolutely, answered the sergeant. And you are its latest model. "

[The Avon Lady]

100 Russian Jokes.

I've heard many similar ones from people who managed to get out of the Soviet Union in the 70's and 80's, before the Iron Curtain came tumbling down.