The joke thread - Page 571

tomfon · 01-18-16, 06:46 AM

^

It reminds me of ...

Starts at 0:40.

BossMark · 01-18-16, 08:07 AM

Well I'll be buggered, those bloody fools at the flipping hospital have only sodding gone and diagnosed me of having a mild case of blinking tourettes.

tomfon · 01-18-16, 09:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BossMark

"Any two-watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That'll do. I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn't have any."

"Any what?"

"Yes, please."

I've just remembered a similar one.

Two submarines suddenly emerge and start exchanging messages with morse code.

Sub1: "How many?"

Sub2: "5"

Sub1: "5 what?"

Sub2: "How many, what???"

It's the magnitude of stupidity of this particular one that sometimes makes me laugh & sometimes i find it unbearable...

But can you imagine this really happening?

Jimbuna · 01-18-16, 11:19 AM

I just explained Google images to my mum.

"Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.

"Except that." I replied.

Dan D · 01-18-16, 11:22 AM

Warning!

A German joke could happen to each of you anytime.

Better prepare yourselves

Jimbuna · 01-18-16, 04:00 PM

Nervously, I sat waiting for the psychic. All of a sudden, he burst in:

"You hate your life, every day is a drag and you can't wait for death."

"That's exactly right," I said, "but you've only just come in, how do you know all that?"

"Easy" he replied, "I've just seen your wife in the waiting room."

Dan D · 01-18-16, 07:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

Nervously, I sat waiting for the psychic. All of a sudden, he burst in:

"You hate your life, every day is a drag and you can't wait for death."

"That's exactly right," I said, "but you've only just come in, how do you know all that?"

"Easy" he replied, "I've just seen your wife in the waiting room."

I am repeating myself here:

The husband of the mother of my mothers-in law volunteered as soon as WW II broke out, He was too old to get drafted and had already served in WW I where he was buried alive for three days at Verdun, suffering a bit of a trauma, until they found him and dug him out - still alive.

He went MIA in 1944 somewhere in Ex-Yugoslavia. I tip my hat

BossMark · 01-19-16, 02:52 AM

Tennis officials have today launched an investigation into accusations of corruption at the highest levels of the sport.

They should have started years ago when Venus and Serena Williams were allowed to play in the women's association.

Jimbuna · 01-19-16, 07:12 AM

According to North Korean press, Kim Jong Il has entered a sleeping contest.

BossMark · 01-19-16, 10:01 AM

When I die I want my last words to be:

"I left one million pounds under the..."

Jimbuna · 01-19-16, 02:22 PM

As I was sitting outside the pub, I saw my mother-in-law walking home with her shopping.

She hasn't been very well and was really struggling with the heavy bags.

"I'll quickly finish this pint," I thought, "and then I'll have another."

tomfon · 01-19-16, 05:34 PM

Genius: Someone on a nudists' beach who remembers faces.

BossMark · 01-20-16, 12:49 AM

"You're two hours late!" shouted my furious boss.

"Sorry," I said, "Lady bus driver."

"Don't tell me she was driving that slow."

"Nope,I walked instead." I replied.

Buddahaid · 01-20-16, 02:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dan D

Warning!

A German joke could happen to each of you anytime.

Better prepare yourselves

OK, ready....

Jimbuna · 01-20-16, 08:29 AM

We were watching one of those sporting events of the year programs, they had a clip of the Oxford and Cambridge boat race.

My blonde wife remarked "Aren't they good, it's always those two in the final."

01-18-16, 06:46 AM	#8551
tomfon Grey Wolf Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: CK7662 Posts: 918 Downloads: 178 Uploads: 4	^ It reminds me of ... Starts at 0:40. __________________ "I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers which can't be questioned." - Richard P. Feynman [1918/1988] "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan "You don't even care. That's how much an impact the three-point shot has and it's evidenced by how everybody plays... There's no basketball anymore, there's no beauty in it. It's pretty boring. But it is what it is and you need to work with it." - Greg Popovich Mods for SH3

01-18-16, 08:07 AM	#8552
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Well I'll be buggered, those bloody fools at the flipping hospital have only sodding gone and diagnosed me of having a mild case of blinking tourettes. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-18-16, 11:19 AM	#8554
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I just explained Google images to my mum. "Pick anything to search for" I told her. "What about a nice cream pie?" She asked. "Except that." I replied. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-18-16, 11:22 AM	#8555
Dan D Grey Wolf Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: 9th Flotilla Posts: 839 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	Warning! A German joke could happen to each of you anytime. Better prepare yourselves __________________

01-18-16, 04:00 PM	#8556
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Nervously, I sat waiting for the psychic. All of a sudden, he burst in: "You hate your life, every day is a drag and you can't wait for death." "That's exactly right," I said, "but you've only just come in, how do you know all that?" "Easy" he replied, "I've just seen your wife in the waiting room." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-19-16, 02:52 AM	#8558
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Tennis officials have today launched an investigation into accusations of corruption at the highest levels of the sport. They should have started years ago when Venus and Serena Williams were allowed to play in the women's association. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-19-16, 07:12 AM	#8559
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	According to North Korean press, Kim Jong Il has entered a sleeping contest. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-19-16, 10:01 AM	#8560
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	When I die I want my last words to be: "I left one million pounds under the..." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-19-16, 02:22 PM	#8561
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	As I was sitting outside the pub, I saw my mother-in-law walking home with her shopping. She hasn't been very well and was really struggling with the heavy bags. "I'll quickly finish this pint," I thought, "and then I'll have another." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-19-16, 05:34 PM	#8562
tomfon Grey Wolf Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: CK7662 Posts: 918 Downloads: 178 Uploads: 4	Genius: Someone on a nudists' beach who remembers faces. __________________ "I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers which can't be questioned." - Richard P. Feynman [1918/1988] "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan "You don't even care. That's how much an impact the three-point shot has and it's evidenced by how everybody plays... There's no basketball anymore, there's no beauty in it. It's pretty boring. But it is what it is and you need to work with it." - Greg Popovich Mods for SH3

01-20-16, 12:49 AM	#8563
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"You're two hours late!" shouted my furious boss. "Sorry," I said, "Lady bus driver." "Don't tell me she was driving that slow." "Nope,I walked instead." I replied. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-20-16, 08:29 AM	#8565
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,080 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	We were watching one of those sporting events of the year programs, they had a clip of the Oxford and Cambridge boat race. My blonde wife remarked "Aren't they good, it's always those two in the final." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!