The joke thread - Page 570

BossMark · 01-13-16, 09:22 AM

After revelations that Jimmy Savile committed acts of necrophilia with bodies in the mortuary of an Essex hospital, several women have come forward to claim they were victims

Jimbuna · 01-13-16, 09:43 AM

I was out in the countryside enjoying some magic mushrooms, when some walkers gave me a lecture on the dangers of drugs.

"Get lost", I said, "what do you know, you're just a bag of crisps."

Sailor Steve · 01-13-16, 10:29 PM

I hate this idea that Chuck Norris has super-human powers. He is an actor, not God, people. If he really is special, I dare him to magically appear in my house now, sneak up behind me and slam my face into my own keyboarfhcfhvjjvggxddd56576fgz d668/ fhuvgsrxgcyseuv hufdg

magic452 · 01-14-16, 02:50 AM

Apple Does It Again!

Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play Hi Fi music in women’s breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Magic

BossMark · 01-14-16, 05:23 AM

Famous couples' nicknames get odder and odder:
Benifer
SamCam
Posh and Becks
and now it's:
Jerry and the Pacemaker

Catfish · 01-14-16, 05:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by magic452

Apple Does It Again!

Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play Hi Fi music in women’s breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Magic

^

Jimbuna · 01-14-16, 08:24 AM

I've just downloaded a copy of the Bible from the internet.

When I'd finished it said, 'Saved'.

BossMark · 01-15-16, 10:52 AM

Tim Peake has become the first British person to walk in space.

Unsurprisingly though, some German tourists got there earlier.

Jimbuna · 01-15-16, 11:17 AM

This gin and tonic is 91 calories.

This banana is 105 calories.

My doctor told me to make the healthy choice.

I love my doctor.

BossMark · 01-16-16, 07:00 AM

I was at a job interview today, and the interviewer said, "It says on your CV that you are quick at mental arithmetic. What's seventeen times nineteen?"

I immediately said, "Thirty-six."

He said, "That's not even close."

I said, "But it was quick."

Jimbuna · 01-16-16, 11:15 AM

News: Trump accuses opponent of having Canadian passport.

He doesn't, but like many people, he will if Trump is elected.

BossMark · 01-17-16, 01:53 AM

I'm really looking forward to seeing the movie about Sean Penn's life.

Especially the ending where he gets tracked down and murdered by a drugs cartel.

Jimbuna · 01-17-16, 11:29 AM

Journalist: "Mr. Putin, you claim Russia has invented a drug to fight Ebola. Has it been tested on rats?"

Putin: "Yes, you could call them that."

tomfon · 01-17-16, 12:31 PM

A businessman is trying to find out how smart his employees are.
He first calls his engineer.

- What is the sum of 1+1?
- What kind of question is this, boss? It's 2.

Then he calls his lawyer.

- What is the sum of 1+1?
- It is 2, unless the law says otherwise.

Finally, he calls his accountant.

- So, tell me. What is the sum of 1+1?
- As much as you like, boss.

BossMark · 01-18-16, 06:40 AM

"Any two-watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That'll do. I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn't have any."

"Any what?"

"Yes, please."

01-13-16, 09:22 AM	#8536
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	After revelations that Jimmy Savile committed acts of necrophilia with bodies in the mortuary of an Essex hospital, several women have come forward to claim they were victims __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-13-16, 09:43 AM	#8537
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was out in the countryside enjoying some magic mushrooms, when some walkers gave me a lecture on the dangers of drugs. "Get lost", I said, "what do you know, you're just a bag of crisps." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-13-16, 10:29 PM	#8538
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	I hate this idea that Chuck Norris has super-human powers. He is an actor, not God, people. If he really is special, I dare him to magically appear in my house now, sneak up behind me and slam my face into my own keyboarfhcfhvjjvggxddd56576fgz d668/ fhuvgsrxgcyseuv hufdg __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

01-14-16, 02:50 AM	#8539
magic452 Sea Lord Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Reno Nevada USA Posts: 1,860 Downloads: 85 Uploads: 0	Apple Does It Again! Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play Hi Fi music in women’s breast implants. The iTit will cost between $499 and $699.00 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. Magic __________________ Reported lost 11 Feb. 1942 Signature by depthtok33l

01-14-16, 05:23 AM	#8540
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Famous couples' nicknames get odder and odder: Benifer SamCam Posh and Becks and now it's: Jerry and the Pacemaker __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-14-16, 08:24 AM	#8542
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I've just downloaded a copy of the Bible from the internet. When I'd finished it said, 'Saved'. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-15-16, 10:52 AM	#8543
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Tim Peake has become the first British person to walk in space. Unsurprisingly though, some German tourists got there earlier. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-15-16, 11:17 AM	#8544
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	This gin and tonic is 91 calories. This banana is 105 calories. My doctor told me to make the healthy choice. I love my doctor. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-16-16, 07:00 AM	#8545
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was at a job interview today, and the interviewer said, "It says on your CV that you are quick at mental arithmetic. What's seventeen times nineteen?" I immediately said, "Thirty-six." He said, "That's not even close." I said, "But it was quick." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-16-16, 11:15 AM	#8546
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	News: Trump accuses opponent of having Canadian passport. He doesn't, but like many people, he will if Trump is elected. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-17-16, 01:53 AM	#8547
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I'm really looking forward to seeing the movie about Sean Penn's life. Especially the ending where he gets tracked down and murdered by a drugs cartel. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-17-16, 11:29 AM	#8548
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Journalist: "Mr. Putin, you claim Russia has invented a drug to fight Ebola. Has it been tested on rats?" Putin: "Yes, you could call them that." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-17-16, 12:31 PM	#8549
tomfon Grey Wolf Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: CK7662 Posts: 918 Downloads: 178 Uploads: 4	A businessman is trying to find out how smart his employees are. He first calls his engineer. - What is the sum of 1+1? - What kind of question is this, boss? It's 2. Then he calls his lawyer. - What is the sum of 1+1? - It is 2, unless the law says otherwise. Finally, he calls his accountant. - So, tell me. What is the sum of 1+1? - As much as you like, boss. __________________ "I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers which can't be questioned." - Richard P. Feynman [1918/1988] "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan "You don't even care. That's how much an impact the three-point shot has and it's evidenced by how everybody plays... There's no basketball anymore, there's no beauty in it. It's pretty boring. But it is what it is and you need to work with it." - Greg Popovich Mods for SH3

01-18-16, 06:40 AM	#8550
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"Any two-watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That'll do. I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn't have any." "Any what?" "Yes, please." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now