The joke thread

[Commander Wallace]

Originally Posted by Balcaam

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the judge had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started shouting, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it!" and so on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered it and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight!' She exclaimed. He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"



Was a bit long to write, but I think it was worth it.

That one got a big chuckle here

[BossMark]

Caitlyn Jenner has just been formally awarded "Woman of the Year" by Glamour magazine.

How can you be "Woman of the Year" if you haven't even been a woman for a year?

[BossMark]

My girlfriend read through a letter she received in the post.

"Why am I so unfortunate?" she shrieked.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Last week I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now, according to this letter, I have tiny tits," she continued.

I said, "Tinnitus. You have tinnitus."

[Jimbuna]

Four fonts walk into a bar

The barman says, "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here."

[Jimbuna]

The orchestra conductor was laying into the second violin: 'If you don't buck up your ideas and demonstrate to me that you are worthy of being called a musician, I'll take away your violin and your bow, give you two drumsticks, and move you to the percussion section.'

The drummer then chimed in with: 'Yeah, and if you can't play the drums, we'll take away one of your sticks...and make you the conductor!'

[Jimbuna]

Paddy: "Would you like to buy my dog?"
Mick : "What kind is it?"
Paddy: "It's a Dalmatian."
Mick : "Is it clean?"
Paddy: "Spotless."

[Jimbuna]

A brass band was engaged to play in the local park. Their contract said that they could pack up and go home if there was no audience, but if just one person was watching, they would have to play their entire one-hour programme. The band began to play, the sun was shining, and there were 80 people sitting in deckchairs enjoying the music. Within ten minutes, the heavens opened, the wind gusted, and the audience ran to take shelter...all except one man. The concert continued. Rain was lashing into the faces of the musicians, their sheet music were being blown away...but one man stubbornly remained seated.

At the end of the concert, the sodden conductor approached the man and said: 'You must really love brass band music'. The man replied: 'Not really, but I had to wait until you finished playing because it's my job to put the deckchairs away.'

[Jimbuna]

Jeremy Corbyn is out jogging and accidentally falls into a very cold river.

Three boys see the accident and without a second thought, they jump into the water and drag out the soaking wet Corbyn.

Corbyn says "Boys,you have saved my life and deserve a reward. You name it and I'll give it to you".

The first boy says, "I'd like a holiday to disneyland."

Corbyn says, "Certainly."

The second boy says, "I'd like an MP3 player."

Corbyn says, "No problem."

The third boy says, "And 'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it."

Corbyn says, "But you're not handicapped!"

The boy replies, "Not yet, but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"

[Jimbuna]

Negotiators from 195 countries have arrived in Paris to try to reach a deal aimed at reducing global carbon emission.

They have flown there on hundreds of flights and have been chauffeur-driven to their 5-star air-conditioned hotel rooms with huge plasma televisions, power showers and jacuzzis.

Oh, the irony.....

[Jimbuna]

A shocked Chinese man buried his life savings in his Garden only to find it eaten by worms 5 yrs later.

Wu Cheng had no idea his hidden cash would gain interest.

[Eichhörnchen]

I went fly fishing once... I caught a 7lb bluebottle

[Jimbuna]

The USA has welcomed Britain's involvement in Syria, a spokesman said "These very specific British Brimstone missiles literally knock the front door of their intended target"

A spokesman for the MOD stated "They actually come in for a cup of tea first before detonating"

[Jimbuna]

A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"

Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen."

"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion."

"But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen."

[Jimbuna]

My teacher said I'd end up working in McDonalds. Well, look who's laughing now.

The guys ordering chicken off me in KFC.

[Catfish]

You know what a woman and a hand grenade, have in common?
Pull the ring, and your house is gone.