The joke thread - Page 562

Balcaam · 11-21-15, 05:48 AM

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the judge had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started shouting, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it!" and so on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered it and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight!' She exclaimed. He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

Was a bit long to write, but I think it was worth it.

Eichhörnchen · 11-21-15, 07:53 AM

Welcome to SubSim, Balcaam

Jimbuna · 11-21-15, 11:06 AM

I just got robbed at the petrol station. It's getting real bad over here. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.

"It was pump #5," I replied.

Balcaam · 11-21-15, 08:33 PM

A woman phoned her blond neighbor and said, "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you, yesterday."

To which the blond man replied, "Well the jokes on all of you, because I wasn't even at home yesterday!"

BossMark · 11-22-15, 05:58 AM

I noticed a woman smoking shamelessly in front of her little girl.

"You aren't exactly being a responsible parent, are you?" I questioned.

"If you had children you would understand," she remarked.

"I do," I added, "They're in the park somewhere."

Jimbuna · 11-22-15, 10:51 AM

The Worlds Fattest Man has had a lot of criticism lately.

It's ok though, he's taken it all with a pinch of salt, a side of bacon, eggs, sausages, chips, fried bread, hash browns, beans, mushrooms, bubble and squeak, toast, black pudding and of course, a diet coke.

Balcaam · 11-22-15, 12:44 PM

My friend Tom finally decides to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. I went over to his garage on evening after they got back from the honeymoon. He was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him and after a long period of silence she finally speaks. " Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection."

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, " Darling, what's wrong?" Tom replies, " For a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!", she screams, " YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

"I wasn't..", Tom replied.

Jimbuna · 11-23-15, 02:17 PM

"You can't park there, it's a disabled space," shouted the car park attendant.

"There are eleven empty spaces - it's not as if eleven disabled people are all going to turn up at once, is it?" I replied.

At which point the Leeds United team bus pulled up to disprove my theory.

BossMark · 11-24-15, 01:22 AM

I hate women who put their makeup on whilst driving. On the way to work this morning a woman crossed three lanes without watching where she was going, ending up in front of me.

I had to brake so hard that my razor landed in my cornflakes which splashed milk all over my newspaper.

Jimbuna · 11-24-15, 10:33 AM

I expect Putin will have a bite or two of Turkey this Xmas.

BossMark · 11-24-15, 12:41 PM

I've been diagnosed with a severe case of flatulence. I won't be suffering in silence though.

Jimbuna · 11-25-15, 09:32 AM

A man on his death bed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...

"To my son David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East end of London," "To my other son Michael, I leave the 4 penthouse's in Chelsea," "and finally to my eldest son Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge".

With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said "I never realised your husband was so wealthy, you and your sons are very lucky" His wife swiftly replied "Was he Bollocks! He was a window cleaner!"

BossMark · 11-25-15, 02:33 PM

Vladimir Putin is changing his name to Ebenezer Scrooge...
Because if he gets his way, there will be no Turkey this Christmas....

BossMark · 11-25-15, 03:23 PM

I was sitting in the hospital canteen, when the doctor came over, looking all weepy eyed.

"What's up, doc?" I asked, before tucking into my sandwich.

"I'm afraid your wife didn't make it," he said.

"I can tell," I replied. "This sandwich is gorgeous."

Jimbuna · 11-26-15, 07:32 AM

Not many people know that the flag they wave at the end of a grand prix is actually the flag of a real country.

It's Finnish

11-21-15, 07:53 AM	#8417
Eichhörnchen Starte das Auto Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: The Fens Posts: 17,499 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	Welcome to SubSim, Balcaam __________________

11-21-15, 11:06 AM	#8418
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I just got robbed at the petrol station. It's getting real bad over here. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it. "It was pump #5," I replied. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-22-15, 05:58 AM	#8420
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I noticed a woman smoking shamelessly in front of her little girl. "You aren't exactly being a responsible parent, are you?" I questioned. "If you had children you would understand," she remarked. "I do," I added, "They're in the park somewhere." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-22-15, 10:51 AM	#8421
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The Worlds Fattest Man has had a lot of criticism lately. It's ok though, he's taken it all with a pinch of salt, a side of bacon, eggs, sausages, chips, fried bread, hash browns, beans, mushrooms, bubble and squeak, toast, black pudding and of course, a diet coke. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-23-15, 02:17 PM	#8423
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"You can't park there, it's a disabled space," shouted the car park attendant. "There are eleven empty spaces - it's not as if eleven disabled people are all going to turn up at once, is it?" I replied. At which point the Leeds United team bus pulled up to disprove my theory. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-21-15, 05:48 AM	#8416
Balcaam Swabbie Join Date: Nov 2015 Location: Gulfport, Mississippi Posts: 10 Downloads: 1 Uploads: 0	An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the judge had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started shouting, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it!" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered it and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight!' She exclaimed. He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!" Was a bit long to write, but I think it was worth it.

11-21-15, 08:33 PM	#8419
Balcaam Swabbie Join Date: Nov 2015 Location: Gulfport, Mississippi Posts: 10 Downloads: 1 Uploads: 0	A woman phoned her blond neighbor and said, "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you, yesterday." To which the blond man replied, "Well the jokes on all of you, because I wasn't even at home yesterday!"

11-22-15, 12:44 PM	#8422
Balcaam Swabbie Join Date: Nov 2015 Location: Gulfport, Mississippi Posts: 10 Downloads: 1 Uploads: 0	My friend Tom finally decides to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. I went over to his garage on evening after they got back from the honeymoon. He was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him and after a long period of silence she finally speaks. " Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection." Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, " Darling, what's wrong?" Tom replies, " For a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!", she screams, " YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!" "I wasn't..", Tom replied.

11-24-15, 01:22 AM	#8424
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I hate women who put their makeup on whilst driving. On the way to work this morning a woman crossed three lanes without watching where she was going, ending up in front of me. I had to brake so hard that my razor landed in my cornflakes which splashed milk all over my newspaper. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-24-15, 10:33 AM	#8425
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I expect Putin will have a bite or two of Turkey this Xmas. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-24-15, 12:41 PM	#8426
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I've been diagnosed with a severe case of flatulence. I won't be suffering in silence though. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-25-15, 09:32 AM	#8427
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A man on his death bed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows... "To my son David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East end of London," "To my other son Michael, I leave the 4 penthouse's in Chelsea," "and finally to my eldest son Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge". With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said "I never realised your husband was so wealthy, you and your sons are very lucky" His wife swiftly replied "Was he Bollocks! He was a window cleaner!" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-25-15, 02:33 PM	#8428
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Vladimir Putin is changing his name to Ebenezer Scrooge... Because if he gets his way, there will be no Turkey this Christmas.... __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-25-15, 03:23 PM	#8429
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was sitting in the hospital canteen, when the doctor came over, looking all weepy eyed. "What's up, doc?" I asked, before tucking into my sandwich. "I'm afraid your wife didn't make it," he said. "I can tell," I replied. "This sandwich is gorgeous." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-26-15, 07:32 AM	#8430
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,405 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Not many people know that the flag they wave at the end of a grand prix is actually the flag of a real country. It's Finnish __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!