The Tipsy Tale: An Oblivion Adventure

[Hottentot]

Wow, that countryside moonshine is working! I'm seeing little brown men instead of little green men!

No, wait, this seems too real again to be delirium. Apparently this "Fighter's guild" I don't remember joining has again found me and dragged me back to work for the Fatherland. Fine. I'm sober enough and again out of beer money anyway.

Find thieves, bash their skulls, come back. Anything else?



Lesson number one: never ask that question in the army.



Seeing Maglir's expression feels like staring into a mirror.



I mean, I got rid of one annoying little man following me around just one episode ago, and now I get another like it's a completely new thing. Who the heck writes these? The same guy who does "The Bold and the Beautiful"?!



This guy seems to know something about those thieves. Blahblahblah lifestory background angst angst angst you lost your heirloom...



...magic booze cup?

Where did you say these robbers were again?



In this highly original, boarded up cave again? Good! Time to go get the magic booz...err, I mean, punish the law breaking villains and all that holier-than-thou stuff. Huzaa!



So I bash a few pencil necks, but see no trace of...err, their villainous leader.



He is not here either. I know. I checked the belongings of this one, and there was no trace of...uh, the "I'm a bandit ringleader, please arrest me" -club's membership card.



These guys wouldn't answer my questions either, so I just had to bash them too. But since this is the last room I haven't yet searched for, er, the innocent damsel in distress, then it must mean...



JACKPOT!!!



Wow. That football-for-face wasn't lying. This cup really makes the booze taste better. I'm of course going to return it to him, but first I must verify that this is the right one.



Yeeeesh, it takesh loooots of field teshtink! Lalli ish scientishtic...



[Hic] Mishsh...tasshskksh...job done bosshmaaan!



Yay, protector! I'll protect the wine cellar with all my might! ¡No pasarán! [Hic!]

[Hottentot]

Since Dowly is not updating his AAR in weekends, I'll try keeping you military types amused with three thematically appropriate updates today. And also since I have too many pictures in backlog and don't want to leave it to my grand children to wrap this story up.


- - - - - - - -



Just as I'm concentrated on my new duties [hic], I'm directed to the Sarge again. Apparently he has a problem only a real man like me can solve: some little wimp is more interested in flowers and flute playing than doing manly stuff, so I need to set him straight.



Oh wow. It's worse than I thought. This boy needs extra many lessons in masculinity.



So not coming up with any other method for such a serious case, I take him into the forest. And try to ignore his questions about sentient life existing outside the Ring III.



I teach him to kill cute, fuzzy animals and eat meat...



To annoy city dwelling wolf huggers...



To get the best kicks out of mushrooms without getting himself killed...



And doing it underground too...



To beat up pencil necks and to hide them after the looting...



And to use improvised keys after the most important lesson...



Namely the joys of camping!



It worked! Look at that killer's look in his eyes! He even grew moustache and extra pair of eyebrows to show his new, manly nature! I'm so proud!

[Hottentot]

The Sarge is also happy. Gee, it always looks so weird when the army guys smile. And it usually means...



That they have bad news.

Sigh.



So I go find that Maglir moron again. He is not too difficult to find. Just ask for a stubby mouth breather wearing old frying pan.



And in the bar I just have to enquire the guy who passed out after a pint of carrot juice.



So Maglir is now hanging around with one of those overgrown lizards. And he got a new suit of armor too. Not that it's any more stylish than his previous walking kitchen instrument -look.



Oh, but does it make him make him oh so bold.

So he isn't happy to see me and starts shouting.



The Sarge isn't happy to see me and starts shouting.



The original job giver isn't happy to see me and starts shouting.

That does it!



[Grumble grumble grumble] shouting [grumble grumble grumble] always [grumble grumble grumble]...



[Grumble grumble grumble] beer [Grumble grumble grumble]



[Grumble grumble grumble] life sucks [Grumble grumble grumble]

[Hottentot]

Eventually the Sarge comes to find me. After I buy him a few drinks, he agrees that it was a stupid job and that we go tell that stuck up wizard to stick her magic wand where it would make her smile for a change.

After that is done the Sarge is still a little tipsy and suggest I'll meet him later at his home. I don't know. I mean, this is military and all, but, uh, this came so suddenly...



I still decide to go and the Sarge takes me to these old ruins to do just some pencil neck bashing together. Uh, I mean, not that I was looking forward to anything else!



Pencil neck bashing would be easier, if the Sarge didn't manage to trigger every single trap we come across along the way. You'd think a professional soldier would know tactics other than "charge straight ahead even when there are no enemies around."



Eventually he gets bored of being maimed...



And so we take a ro...round walk in the forest together!



I show him what they taught me in the army: I cover him as he crosses this empty road. All clear, Sarge! Lalli is watching your back! Closely!



I'm a trained killing machine. I know the forest like my own pockets (from which I, incidentally, can't ever find my keys!) Here I'm camouflaging as a rock.



The forest trip ended so soon. We are back in ruins, which closely resemble the ruins we just left, but the Sarge keeps assuring me it's just a popular architechtural style around here.



Apparently even the traps are exactly the same and in similar places too. Sarge? Where did you go?



Well, since he isn't around, it's more pencil neck bashing for me. Whee!



The Sarge comes back only when we kill the nondescript end boss guy, whose life until our arrival has consisted of sitting on a throne in big stone hall, looking menacing.



Well hey and happy good morning to you too. Sheesh. This is just like my basic training.



Except that they confisticated all my booze while arriving to the garrison for the first time. That taught me to hide them in places they wouldn't search in fear of losing their masculine identity. Hehe! Cheers for clever me!

[Hottentot]

Ebebebebebebeee...this recurring joke is really becoming a strain on my poor head and back...is this another stupid dungeon where I'm again thrown into the middle of the punchline?



Woot! No! It's heaven, and I have woken up next to an angel! Arroooooo!



Hehee, green boobs...



Whuh? No! I swear I wasn't staring them!

Hey, listen cutie, I'll tell you a joke. I have a great sense of humor and know all the best jokes!



So a Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian...



Err, they walk into a bar...or are on an uninhabited island...which has a bar, in which they are in...and so a Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian are on a plane...I mean, they flew to the uninhabited island to walk into the bar...



And then the Finn says...err...uh...look, the point is that the Swedes are dumb and we can point and laugh at them! Hahaha!



Hahaha...haha...ha...ha? Ha...

You...you don't...you won't...you mean...you...you...



Waaaaaaaaah! Nobody loves me!!



I'm all alone in the world! I'm going to jump into this river and drown!



Goodbye, cruel world!



Hey! Look at me! I'm drowning, OK! Isn't someone supposed to save me? I mean, before I catch cold here!



Fine! Be that way! I can look miserable in the middle of the road without you paying attention to me! I didn't want your stupid attention anyway!



Finally! Someone who understands me!



Yo, give it up, bro! Screw the treacherous women! Let's get drunk together!



Err, pigs suck! Women pigs suck extra lot!



Bllb...Tired...

[Hottentot]

This place...it looks...familiar.



What? Hey! We already did this scene! I swear, if I'm forced to go through the "old man making very unsubtle approaches to question the protagonist's sexual orientation" thing again, I'm going to call my agent for a better deal!



Everything is the same! My old bread and can of water are right there where I left them.



The old shackles are still there.



The old secret escape tunnel is still there.



My old piss stain is still in the same corner. Haven't they heard of cleaning maids in this prison?



The lighting conditions still suck.



And even the same annoying pencil neck is still in the cell next to me. Oh, what I would give, if only the old door in my cell wouldn't still be...



...locked?



Yoohoo!



Stupid pencil neck hasn't learned a thing, it seems.



Namely that I don't like talky people in my hangover mornings.



Howdy.



Ah, sweet freedom! I even got my stuff back after the guards couldn't stand comparing their tiny daggers to my personal claymore. Life is good!

[Hottentot]

I was born innocent... ...



I didn't want to do like my daddy...I'll never drink booze...and never buy an axe...



But it's because the employment agency won't give me work...and the fate's hand gives me booze to drink...err...



You know, Eppu was right. The dirty government never gives me a chance to get back on my feet.
Screw the government!
I'm a do-it-yourself kind of man!
I'm a man who has seen the life and everything what's wrong with it!
I'm a man with a mission!

I'm a man who is soon going to have his own TV show! And it's going to be called...



Any copyright infringements purely coincidental. Enough of that already: .



Good day, TV people! You are watching my show on the Lalli channel, and it is quite possible that you won't ever see it on any other channel, because every TV boss turned me down already. According to them I'm a drunken lout with no information value.



Our society is in disgraceful shape. I have decided to interview this poor beggar lady, whom the society has forgotten, but Lalli has not.



Simplicia is only asking money to feed her children.



Err, and to buy new shoes...



Um, okay, we get it, thank you...

For this invaluable information I gift Simplicia 100kg of smoked reindeer. She has lots of kids.



The reason for Simplicia's plight is that the roads are full of armed robbers, who have ambushed and robbed many citizens blind.



I think this is disgraceful and demand to know why isn't anyone doing anything.

[Hottentot]

Therefore I decide to interview a member of the law enforcement to find out what the people get for their tax money.



Can you tell me exactly, what the law enforcement is here for?



Do you have any idea how do you serve?



Can you explain me more precisely why is it that you help people?



Would you now elaborate, how can citizens expect you to serve them?



So do you have any answer to how...er, wait, are we just repeating the same questions? Do you see any possible theory for why we are repeating the same questions?



Then can you further satiate my thirst for knowledge about what this duty means.



Will you give me more information if the duty uses Nokia or Motorola phone to call?



Will you reply to my enquiry about what exactly do you mean by that?



When trying to find out what the tax payers get for their money and interviewing a law enforcement officer, vital information surfaced.



Namely that the law enforcement is in league with the criminals and doesn't like sharp and observant reporters like me asking them questions.



Because the law enforcement turned out to be in league with the criminal elements, I decided to conduct some journalistic investigation and find out, what makes people become armed robbers and spend their lives sitting in bushes.



Of course I first had to get some more smoked reindeer, because the corrupt police had eaten all I had left before. I couldn't find a reindeer nearby, so I had to improvise.



However, despite of my offer of free food, the robbers refused to give an interview.



Therefore I decided to camp nearby and see what, in fact, motivated them to these foul deeds that are the bane of our society.



Soon enough my sharp observations revealed that the motivation for killing citizens on the roads...



...is that it is very lucrative in more than one way.



So being a professional and ethical journalist, I next had to find out if all the citizens on the roads were as rich and loaded with fine beverages. Clearly in unequally shared booze is a bane in our society and a sharp journalist like me has to investigate it further to bring the injustice into the light of day!

[Dowly]

Just gets better and better

[Hottentot]

[Hic!] Yes! My journalistic observations reveal without a doubt that when it comes to refreshing beverages, there is no equality in our state. I demand a change, and have therefore done my best to ensure that I'm a little more equal than the others.



However, the travellers quickly learned to go around my ambush spot and on the top of all, said they could sniff me from kilometres away after a while. So I'm again back to do some honest work to my friend the Sarge.



And he apparently has some too! That wimp I tried to help with becoming a man has managed to go missing. My guess is he is just doing what a young man should be doing in the long summer nights...



But the Sarge suspects he has instead become a nerd and ended up wasting his time in the Internet fighting with the trolls. So I'm to find him and tell him about girls whose surname is not .JPEG.



My gut feeling says it's here. The decorations really gave this forum away.



Oh. One member found in a pool of her own blood so soon already? Maybe she didn't get past the dreaded "please fill in the numbers you see in the picture" test?



Another poor sod, who fell to the rats and other carrion eaters, so common in any forum after someone first gets beaten in a debate.



These ones seemed to be on each others' friend list. But where is the wimp?



Holy cow, a troll! Ugh, it stinks! Smells like a herring swimming through some waste disposal gate!



But no troll can stand against my famous blunt arguments.



More of them! I never knew these guys had enough social skills to team up even temporarily. Then again, since there are always new ones, apparently they somehow manage to mate once in a lifetime.



Banhammer is still the bane of every troll, and I wield it like a master.



Hmm, a trail of blood. I'm nearing the GT...



Oh noes! I found the wimp! And it looks like he did the oldest mistake in the book: trying to win a troll by attrition and logic.



My sorrow knows no bounds. He had forgotten everything I told him! Only one bottle of booze, and not any good real beer either, but girly wine! And a bloody journal on the top of that to really underline his failure!



What is this about anyway? What?! A diary depicting his adventures with the same sex! That's it! I'm going to puke right now.

However, I'll be keeping this book until I can give it to the Sarge. Maybe it will make him happy. You never know about those military types in their lonely work.



Yes, he is very eager to see it, but doesn't seem too happy. As an old veteran of this game, I already know now it's a good time to bugger off before he tells me to find Maglir again.

[Geno_Mariner]

Loving this, keep it up

[Takeda Shingen]

Originally Posted by Hottentot

So I'm to find him and tell him about girls whose surname is not .JPEG.

Oh. One member found in a pool of her own blood so soon already? Maybe she didn't get past the dreaded "please fill in the numbers you see in the picture" test?

Another poor sod, who fell to the rats and other carrion eaters, so common in any forum after someone first gets beaten in a debate.

These ones seemed to be on each others' friend list.

Holy cow, a troll! Ugh, it stinks! Smells like a herring swimming through some waste disposal gate!

But no troll can stand against my famous blunt arguments.

Banhammer is still the bane of every troll, and I wield it like a master.

Hmm, a trail of blood. I'm nearing the GT...

Oh noes! I found the wimp! And it looks like he did the oldest mistake in the book: trying to win a troll by attrition and logic.

It took me about 10 minutes to pick myself up off the floor. Brilliant.

[Hottentot]

I feel I have lost the focus here. This adventure has been going on for weeks now, and I still haven't done what I originally came here for: meeting the Empire Union's bossman and demanding him to start respecting my cultural individuality.

But that's going to change right now! I have just arrived to the headquarter's of the Empire of Evil, and I'm going to march in!



Ooo, a big door. Well, they won't impress me with it. I have twice as big in my own house. Or at least that's what it feels like every Saturday morning.



At first I am greeted by an armed soldier. That's Empire Union for you! Trying to keep the concerned citizens away with force and violence!



And not surprisingly the bossman refuses to see me. I knew this! They give speeches about democracy and equality, but in reality all this is is just communism, fascism, liberalism and empirism!



Well they won't stop me! I know I'm not alone. I represent the deep lines of the people, and the people know the best! I'm going to get them to help me and together we shall bring down this monster!



I'm going to buy a suit and become a politician! My party is called "the True Nords"!



Citizens! Hear me! Err...the Empire Union sucks!



The Empire Union...uh...sucks really really much and...um...my friend's son is working on the border, so I know, OK!



So if you won't vote for the True Nords (that's me), then, uh, they are going to send all your tax money to the Redguards and, err...



And then...uh...WE IS ALL GOING TO DIE IN OUR BEDS AND IF YOU DISAGREE WITH ME, YOU ARE STUPID AND EASILY MISLED SHEEP! TYHMÄ!



Why isn't anyone listening to me? Didn't they hear me imitating the Breton prayer call? Ayalalaloolaaloo!



Aha! That's it! I'm doing it all wrong! Instead of preaching on the corner, I'm going to be technically savvy and start one of those new fashioned blogs. I will write walls of text in the Internet and have people become enlightened. My blog's name is going to be: "Plok".



Yes, fast! I like it! All over the place! I want my voice everywhere! Sign me in!

But then, after further consideration, I look at what this company has done before and am not so sure anymore...



I mean, fanfic?



Empire Union's propaganda?



Myths and fairytales?



My genius is not appreciated enough in here. I'm going to express my literary abilities elsewhere...

[Hottentot]

Hehehehee...



That will show them!



Uh oh...



Err, hello. Have you per chance voted already?



Gee, don't you people understand a joke? Sarcasm? Irony? Anagram? Pun? Palindrome? Are you dumb? I'm never going to give you an interview again! Besides, you photographed me in a sweater!



This looks like a nice place. I'll hide here.



Oh? It's inhabited already? Maybe I have just accidentally stumbled into a club house of one of those outlaw horse gangs?



Hi guys. Have you got any booze?



[Beeb] yeah, these guys know how to party! Look at me! Grooving without a shirt!







Woo! Jytky!! Remember to vote True Nordsh! For the shmall maan and hiish [hic] boozhe!

[Hottentot]

Eh? I have no idea how I ended up here in these clothes again, but I was hoping you wouldn't notice it if I pictured myself in front of this beautiful scenery.



Oh noes, my backbag! I must have forgotten my backbag to the clubhouse of those horse gangers! I need a new one, can't do anything without a magic backbag.



This looks like a decent place to get one.



The salesman is quick to give me all the fluff words, trying to convince me about something I came to buy in the first place.



Whereas his colleague would rather insult me, but still agree to help. I'm a paying customer, after all.



Ooo, a secret underground base. Do you have atom bombs in here too? A doomsday device? No wait, wrong AAR...



It appears all they have is an emtpy room, and some other customers have been fooled into coming here as well. Their business model doesn't seem very solid to me.



But the purchaser's gifts are awesome! A bottle of weird foreign beverage I have never seen before! Cheers!



Um, whuh? How did I end up in here again? I swear, I took only one sip of the juice! I didn't get to deliver even one drunken foolishness joke this time!



These guys are obviously trying to drive me out of comedy business, so I'll go have a word with them. Plus find some more of that awesome drink.



Ooo yeah, that's so typical! First they play so nice, but after they make me drunk and find out I don't have any money to steal, it's Mr. Gnarl for Lalli! Grr!



No one...



Makes fun of my drinking habits!



Hmm, this must be their distillery. And since I killed them all, it's all mine now, right? So how does this work? If I press this button and turn that switch, then I...



...cause a huge fire, apparently. Bah! My career as a booze baron was short and inglorious. This whole episode is feeling like a big disappointment. I have only got a headache and not been allowed to do anything fun.



I'm taking that comment back.



Too bad the censorship on that thing didn't let you see how much fun I just had. Must think of the children too.



The Sarge is also happy to see that I have saved the world again. As a reward, he promises to give me a new helmet. And he says it's going to be a very special helmet too. Ooo! Could it be...I mean, it's a lot to hope for, but could there finally be...



Crap.