The joke thread - Page 479

BossMark · 01-12-15, 11:50 AM

I bloody hate my surname, Potato.

Although not as much as my sister Jackie does.

BossMark · 01-12-15, 12:32 PM

My dad used to say "The old ones are the best."

Which is probably why his fruit and veg stall failed.

Jimbuna · 01-12-15, 01:12 PM

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant

U-15 · 01-12-15, 01:29 PM

Possibly the worst joke of the thread, but it has to be told.

Hitler asks Donitz "How many U-boats are there for the North Atlantic?"

Donitz replies, "Not entirely sure Mein Fuhrer. Will a sub-total be good enough?"

Boom boom.
Come back Basil Brush, all is forgiven

Sailor Steve · 01-12-15, 01:47 PM

One I heard many years ago from a fellow musician:

How many guitars are enough?

Just one more.

Jimbuna · 01-12-15, 02:05 PM

What do you call a Indian-Geordie Submarine Commander?

Gandeep Undawatta.

U-15 · 01-12-15, 02:50 PM

Howard Carter and his team are excavating in Egypt.
All of a sudden there is a mad cacophony of noise coming from the main road nearby.

Carter turns and demands "What is that racket?" ,
His colleague, Herbert replies " I think it is Tootin Car Men".

Jimbuna · 01-12-15, 02:59 PM

BBC News: "WWI postcard finally returned to family".

To be fair that's pretty quick for Royal Mail.

U-15 · 01-12-15, 04:06 PM

I once got offered a job as an extra in The Thunderbirds TV series.

I turned it down as there were too many strings attached.

BossMark · 01-13-15, 05:42 AM

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

Cybermat47 · 01-13-15, 05:49 AM

^^

Jimbuna · 01-13-15, 07:13 AM

The 07.29am train from Brighton to London Victoria has been in the news for being late on every single day it ran in 2014.

Southern Rail's managing director likened the network to the M25, explaining that it was so busy that options to improve these statistics were extremely limited.

What about calling it the 07.42am train from Brighton to London Victoria?

U-15 · 01-13-15, 01:25 PM

Q. Where's the best place to see trees near the railway.

A. By the side of a branch line.

I hope you simmers realize that this is next Christmas's cracker jokes being used up

VipertheSniper · 01-13-15, 01:51 PM

A boy comes into his parents bedroom in the morning where his father is building a tent under the sheets. He asks his dad what he's doing and his father answers: "I'm having a circus show, go tell your mom to bring in the bear."
So the boy finds his mother in the kitchen and tells her that Daddy said she should come and bring the bear to the bedroom, to which his mom says: "Tell your father: The bear cannot come, it has a nosebleed"
So the boy goes back to the bedroom telling his father, what his mother told him, to which his dad replies: "Well in that case, tell your mother she can blow the show off"

Tango589 · 01-13-15, 03:39 PM

What do you call an Indian man standing on one leg?

Ballan Singh.

(as told to me by an Indian friend.)

01-12-15, 11:50 AM	#7171
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I bloody hate my surname, Potato. Although not as much as my sister Jackie does. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-12-15, 12:32 PM	#7172
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My dad used to say "The old ones are the best." Which is probably why his fruit and veg stall failed. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-12-15, 01:12 PM	#7173
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant If it floats: boy ant __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-12-15, 01:29 PM	#7174
U-15 Soundman Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Cannock Posts: 146 Downloads: 18 Uploads: 0	Possibly the worst joke of the thread, but it has to be told. Hitler asks Donitz "How many U-boats are there for the North Atlantic?" Donitz replies, "Not entirely sure Mein Fuhrer. Will a sub-total be good enough?" Boom boom. Come back Basil Brush, all is forgiven __________________ I hope they're still open, I'm bostin for a pint of Banks's U-15 [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

01-12-15, 01:47 PM	#7175
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	One I heard many years ago from a fellow musician: How many guitars are enough? Just one more. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

01-12-15, 02:05 PM	#7176
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What do you call a Indian-Geordie Submarine Commander? Gandeep Undawatta. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-12-15, 02:50 PM	#7177
U-15 Soundman Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Cannock Posts: 146 Downloads: 18 Uploads: 0	Howard Carter and his team are excavating in Egypt. All of a sudden there is a mad cacophony of noise coming from the main road nearby. Carter turns and demands "What is that racket?" , His colleague, Herbert replies " I think it is Tootin Car Men". __________________ I hope they're still open, I'm bostin for a pint of Banks's U-15 [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

01-12-15, 02:59 PM	#7178
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	BBC News: "WWI postcard finally returned to family". To be fair that's pretty quick for Royal Mail. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-12-15, 04:06 PM	#7179
U-15 Soundman Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Cannock Posts: 146 Downloads: 18 Uploads: 0	I once got offered a job as an extra in The Thunderbirds TV series. I turned it down as there were too many strings attached. __________________ I hope they're still open, I'm bostin for a pint of Banks's U-15 [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

01-13-15, 05:42 AM	#7180
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off. "You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-13-15, 05:49 AM	#7181
Cybermat47 Willing Webfooted Beast Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Australia Posts: 5,408 Downloads: 300 Uploads: 23	^^ __________________ Historical TWoS Gameplay Guide: http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?p=2572620 Historical FotRSU Gameplay Guide: https://www.subsim.com/radioroom/sho....php?p=2713394

01-13-15, 07:13 AM	#7182
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,142 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The 07.29am train from Brighton to London Victoria has been in the news for being late on every single day it ran in 2014. Southern Rail's managing director likened the network to the M25, explaining that it was so busy that options to improve these statistics were extremely limited. What about calling it the 07.42am train from Brighton to London Victoria? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-13-15, 01:25 PM	#7183
U-15 Soundman Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Cannock Posts: 146 Downloads: 18 Uploads: 0	A joke specially for Eichhornchen . Q. Where's the best place to see trees near the railway. A. By the side of a branch line. I hope you simmers realize that this is next Christmas's cracker jokes being used up __________________ I hope they're still open, I'm bostin for a pint of Banks's U-15 [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

01-13-15, 01:51 PM	#7184
VipertheSniper Ace of the Deep Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Austria Posts: 1,074 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	A boy comes into his parents bedroom in the morning where his father is building a tent under the sheets. He asks his dad what he's doing and his father answers: "I'm having a circus show, go tell your mom to bring in the bear." So the boy finds his mother in the kitchen and tells her that Daddy said she should come and bring the bear to the bedroom, to which his mom says: "Tell your father: The bear cannot come, it has a nosebleed" So the boy goes back to the bedroom telling his father, what his mother told him, to which his dad replies: "Well in that case, tell your mother she can blow the show off"

01-13-15, 03:39 PM	#7185
Tango589 Still crazy as ever! Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: A little south of sanity Posts: 3,378 Downloads: 180 Uploads: 1	What do you call an Indian man standing on one leg? Ballan Singh. (as told to me by an Indian friend.) __________________ Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way...