Take a moment to be grateful

[BrucePartington]

Originally Posted by HundertzehnGustav

SAYS WHO (damn!)

i tried to kill myself... too much of a coward.

I beg to differ. You didn't do it because that is not the solution you want. Deep down you know this.
I think what you are missing is a sense of purpose, a realistically achievable purpose, that is. Of course, for most of us, it's not easy to achieve something noteworthy, something we can see with our own living eyes to have improved quality of life for other people, or created a legacy our descendants will benefit from.
Unfortunately no one can tell another what is the purpose, the goal they should pursue. Each of us has to figure it out for ourselves.
What makes us tick? What moves us? What is interesting enough to get us up from our worn out couch?
For me, a friend in need, regardless of what time it is.

Our ancestors seldom worried about such issues. They were too busy trying to survive. Being alive and healthy was enough reason to celebrate.
And they had freedom, true freedom. The world was a very big place, so big they thought it was flat.

Sure, we are born, live and die, and all our hopes simply vanish, meaningless to the universe.
Materialistically, we are a heap of decaying chemical processes. Granted.

Today we live a rather dull sedentary life, many of us inside offices, seldom catching any sun.
Sun releases endorphins, which in turn make us feel energized and happy.
I suspect this is the main reason people we regard as frivolous for spending too much time doing nothing but sun bathing seem so happy and full of joy in their lives.

Also the media is to blame for much of our grief. These days the media thrive on bombarding us with negative feelings, while promoting sports players to national heroes and ignoring good deeds altogether.

I cannot tell you what to pursue, but I'd suggest you not to take life too serious. Enjoy yourself, invite some friends for a small party, have a few beers.
And catch some sun, it will work wonders.
Before you realise it, you'll find your goal in life. There is always one, regardless of age.

And before you say I am full of hot air, I have been there.

[Red October1984]

Life is worth living no matter how bad it is.

While I may not be very old, I know what it's like.

I didn't have any friends that I could talk to every day or do stuff with during my childhood. Almost everybody I knew avoided me and all the other kids in school made fun of me. I was "that kid" for a long time. Having no friends is hard. I tried and tried but still....nothing. There were times when I just wanted it to end...wanted a way out....wanted to belong somewhere and be accepted and be normal....

That didn't happen until a couple years ago.

Outside of my family, I can count on one hand the people my age that I can trust. I've got my two best friends that I don't know where I'd be without. Life still sucks though. I remember the first time somebody else actually defended me. I told him that nobody has ever done that before and it made my day, month, etc. It felt good.

Going through my childhood with no friends made me socially awkward... It's just how it is. I'm constantly being turned down by the girls and parties are being thrown across the street without me being invited... It sucks...it really does. I hate seeing my few friends and everybody else make plans without me.

Alone with my thoughts.... That's how it feels. My one friend used to tell me to smile more. He used to ask me what's wrong. He doesn't need to now because I can tell him. Nobody ever did that for me. I was always just alone with my thoughts. I used to imagine up these big huge stories that I would continue in my head for days in my free time.

One year, I didn't play on the basketball team so during the P.E. Class, I didn't do anything. The coach at that time was super-hardcore-basketball-nazi and he had his favorites. I was not one of them.

For over 3/4 of that school year, one hour a day, I dribbled a ball around the gym. Alone with my thoughts....occasionally getting to play.

I was always the kid who wasn't even picked and was put on a team by default. The pickers would go through everybody until there's me and another guy. One would pick the other guy and I'd walk over to the other team hearing "Oh man..we have him on our team"

They would come after me on purpose when we'd play games. Fouls in basketball...they'd aim for the face in wiffleball....they'd trip me in kickball...etc. You get the idea. I was not wanted playing sports. It eventually got to the point where I just said "Screw this! I'm reading my book at recess from now on." There were times where i'd wish to get injured in the game so I could have an excuse to sit out.

There was the odd person that would come and be friendly...some went on to stab me in the back...some are friends now. I only have 8 people in my class including me. There are 3 others who I'd actually see outside of school and even then...they aren't the nicest, friendliest people.

I kept to myself all through my childhood basically. I wasn't wanted. Now, I'm accepted but still ignored.

I just keep thinking to myself....One of these days I'll be a pilot...and one of these days I'll meet that girl...and one of these days I'll be happy. Staying busy with things I like doing keep me going throughout the school year. Last school year was just particularly hard.

There are some things I won't go into because they are more personal...but the main one that kept me down throughout February and March was the girl...

The one who I barely ever had talked to...

We started talking around November and I figured out this girl was awesome. If I was going to make a girlfriend out of any of the girls I know, it's going to be this one. So we talked and stuff and it was nice for a few months. I loved talking to her...until I was dumb enough to ask her out.

You see, at that point I had been friendzoned. The worst part is I didn't realize it.

When Valentine's Day rolled around I got her a nice card from the school BETA Club and I wrote my little note and I was going to put it in her locker. I didn't get a chance to do that since teachers were patrolling the halls like eagles with telescopes. I ended up giving it to her at the end of the day.She wouldn't read it in front of me...but she said thanks, hugged me (as close as I ever got), and walked away.

About an hour and a half later, I get a text...

I still have it saved on my old phone.

This is how it went unedited:

"Ok well i really like u but not in tht way. Weve gotten to be pretty good friends but i just can't go out with you. I just dont like u in tht way but i do like talking to u and ur really funny and the card was really sweet but im gonna have to say no. Im sorry "

She barely said a word the next day. She avoided me for 2 months until she actually came and talked to me. It was just little small talk but it was painful.

I know exactly what you're thinking. "Ah. Young love...it happens"

This was the first girl I really had feelings for. Every other girl when I was younger would get that nervous "Get me out of here" look in her eye when I tried to talk to them. This girl actually talked to me and she has an awesome personality. There was no other girl like this that I had met. To sum up the rest of the girls I ever liked...they all went just like it happened in Despicable Me 2. Watch this video and at 0:30 it's the best representation of how it was for me.

I would sit down on the bleachers near where she was sitting and she would look at me and sit on the other side of the bench. I'd go up and ask her a question and she'd pretend she didn't hear me even if we were the only two people in the room. On baseball away games, she'd hug everybody on the team except for me.

That was painful...for a while... And what else?

She starts getting really friendly with a guy who I don't really care for but who I saw and talked to every day.

"Oh my god, I'm gonna miss you this summer," she says to this guy on the last day of school across the parking lot. "I'm coming to every one of your baseball games this summer!"

I was loading my stuff into the back of my friend's Mustang and may have slammed the trunk a little harder than usual. At this point, she had ignored me for a good 3 months. It still stung every day to get up and see what I was >< that close to talk to another guy and get real friendly with him.

I managed to not think about her this entire summer until she texted me "Happy Fourth of July!" the other day and we had small talk about fireworks.

Now, it's starting to eat at me a little bit. I regret giving her that card...

This isn't to say I won't try again. I'm hoping to take her on an actual date. We'll see once school starts how it'll go.


But that was (one of many) a big discouragement of 2013. This year just hasn't been my year.

I've basically fought tooth and nail for the social position I'm in now though. It took many years of bullying...and now I'm accepted by my peers. They talk to me and they aren't like they used to be.... They respect me now. They come to me whenever they have a history question or a question about computers. They want me to play sports with them...but again...as I said, I'm still ignored by many unless it's necessary to socialize with me.

I know you probably have bigger and worse problems than me...but I've got a childhood full of pain and lonelyness that has grown into a teenaged, socially awkward guy who is an expert at hiding feelings and is accepted and liked by his peers after years of being alone.

TBH, i still feel alone. It's one thing that hasn't gone away. That girl tapped into that feeling and made it worse. That first two months was terrible...I lost some sleep some nights.


Venting a little bit of this on here helps...I would never, ever, ever commit suicide even if i've had the thought. It's the unforgivable sin. I think it's the worst thing you can do when you feel beat down.

I just constantly think "It can only get better from here. In 20 years, none of this will matter. I've just got to stick it out and keep trying" Humor is a big part of coping...along with music and my two best friends. However, there is that feeling of darkness and loneliness in the back of my mind.

I can't watch certain shows/movies/etc without thinking "People aren't that nice in real life. This is too happy to be real" but then again...I've not been around nice people for most of my childhood.

Sometimes, you might see it reflect in my posts....most times, you won't. I just know that life is a hell of a lot better than it was and I'm thankful for having made progress. I'm thankful for a great many things...and like some of you...I'm thankful for a lot of little things that cheer me up.

Subsim is great for me. It allows me to talk about stuff that interests me...it allows me to talk to people who don't judge me for what has happened in the past. Just last year when I was talking to this guy he told me "Oh. I was absolutely sure that you'd turn out gay" (No offense to anybody. This is what somebody else said and I"m quoting it) because since no girls talked to me, that's what everybody thought of me for a while until I fought and managed to put down that rumor.

Subsim also has introduced me to people who have been through the same stuff...who can talk about this kind of thing and understand...

I'm good now though. I'm happy to be alive and lucky that I have a good family behind me and that I have my friends. Life, while it sucks very much sometimes, is still good.

I don't really have much else to add at this point. The story feels unfinished for some reason...but I just can't think of why. It's quite possibly the longest post I've ever typed.

Suicide is bad. It's not the way out. The way out is to fight through it and give it your best shot.

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Red October1984

The story feels unfinished for some reason...but I just can't think of why.

Because it isn't. Real life has a lot of endings, but you don't always know what they are. You'll be able to write the story of your high school years only after you graduate. Friendships, romances, college, jobs. We don't know how those turn out until we can look back on them. My dad's story is over. Mine isn't. There are still adventures to come. Challenges to be faced. Fun to be had. You never know.

[Red October1984]

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

Because it isn't. Real life has a lot of endings, but you don't always know what they are. You'll be able to write the story of your high school years only after you graduate. Friendships, romances, college, jobs. We don't know how those turn out until we can look back on them. My dad's story is over. Mine isn't. There are still adventures to come. Challenges to be faced. Fun to be had. You never know.

Very true.

I can't wait to see what's in store because it has to be better than High School.

[BrucePartington]

Originally Posted by Red October1984

Very true.

I can't wait to see what's in store because it has to be better than High School.

I guarantee you it will.
As teenagers we have many wrong priorities, have difficulty telling right from wrong, and tend to find security in a group which I will designate as a "pack". Then the "packs" become rivals and so on. The "pack" mentality fades away as teenagers approach adulthood, which also brings some maturity.
I'm guessing you are probably a free thinker, and refuse to adopt some silly behaviour code just to be accepted into a "pack", hence you were left out.

The best advice I can give you right now is to join a group of people dedicated to a hobby or activity that you like. People will be collectively focused on the goal, which brings out team spirit, and in time, friendships. By doing this, you'll hone your social skills. By spending time with these people, you'll become more satisfied with your life and yourself. And will feel and show less anxiety when the next girl comes along.

Since English is not my native language, sometimes I have difficulty in conveying my thoughts the right way. So I will resort to a little trick....

Are you a Trekkie? I am.
Even if you're not, i'd suggest you watch two Star Trek TNG episodes if you can:
- Pen Pals - S02E15
- Booby Trap - S03E06 -- pay special attention to the dialogue between Geordi and Guinan

[Red October1984]

Originally Posted by BrucePartington

I guarantee you it will.

I just keep thinking about how awesome it'll be when I become a pilot. With that job, I'll have no complaints. If I lose my house, I'll sleep in the plane. And I'll love it because I'll get to be around my most favorite thing in the world.

As teenagers we have many wrong priorities, have difficulty telling right from wrong, and tend to find security in a group which I will designate as a "pack". Then the "packs" become rivals and so on. The "pack" mentality fades away as teenagers approach adulthood, which also brings some maturity.
I'm guessing you are probably a free thinker, and refuse to adopt some silly behaviour code just to be accepted into a "pack", hence you were left out.

I can't stand that "pack" stuff. I don't need a "crew" I need people I can talk to and depend on. That doesn't mean I need to be hazed to be part of a group. I won't be a part of that crap.

A free thinker might be a good way to put it. I can be a good team player when the situation requires it. I've been told that I'm a great team player for certain things. But the "pack" stuff...Nah...I'm not getting into that.

The best advice I can give you right now is to join a group of people dedicated to a hobby or activity that you like. People will be collectively focused on the goal, which brings out team spirit, and in time, friendships. By doing this, you'll hone your social skills. By spending time with these people, you'll become more satisfied with your life and yourself. And will feel and show less anxiety when the next girl comes along.

My friends have some of the same interests...not really though...

This is why I have Subsim. And some other forums where I'm a member.

Since English is not my native language, sometimes I have difficulty in conveying my thoughts the right way. So I will resort to a little trick....

Are you a Trekkie? I am.
Even if you're not, i'd suggest you watch two Star Trek TNG episodes if you can:
- Pen Pals - S02E15
- Booby Trap - S03E06 -- pay special attention to the dialogue between Geordi and Guinan

I'm not a Trekkie...never been that kind of guy. I lean toward Star Wars when that argument comes up just because of how obsessed I was with it when I was younger. I still, to this day, play Star Wars Battlefront on my Xbox. I've worn the disc out on the second one.

I'll watch those if I remember and if I can. I've got so many things on my "to watch" list right now.

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by Red October1984

Very true.

I can't wait to see what's in store because it has to be better than High School.

LOL...I'd certainly consider swapping you places, not that I don't consider my life to have been eventful and enjoyable but knowing then what you know now is very tempting

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

...but knowing then what you know now is very tempting

I heard a story once about an older man eyeing a younger woman and saying "If I only knew then what I know now..." She looks back at him and says "I give up. What do you think you know now?" In the story he doesn't know what to say. When I read it I didn't know either. I've thought about it several times over the years, and come up with several answers, none of which I truly liked.

Just now you reminded me of that story, and it finally hit me. If I were to be in that situation, and she said "What do you think you know now?" My answer would be "I know enough not to put my foot in that one!"

[Red October1984]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

LOL...I'd certainly consider swapping you places, not that I don't consider my life to have been eventful and enjoyable but knowing then what you know now is very tempting

Heck, even for me. If I could go back a few years with what I know now....

Sadly, nobody can do that. The past is the past and you can't change it.

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

I heard a story once about an older man eyeing a younger woman and saying "If I only knew then what I know now..." She looks back at him and says "I give up. What do you think you know now?" In the story he doesn't know what to say. When I read it I didn't know either. I've thought about it several times over the years, and come up with several answers, none of which I truly liked.

Just now you reminded me of that story, and it finally hit me. If I were to be in that situation, and she said "What do you think you know now?" My answer would be "I know enough not to put my foot in that one!"

Something I have also pondered over the years.....youth is wasted on the young but only in as much as you start ageing and reconfiguring your perspective on life

[HundertzehnGustav]

Thank you Sailor, for sharing your experience on this... awkward subject.

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

Well there you go. I didn't try, but at one point I thought about it long and hard. Then my conclusion was that something cool might happen tomorrow. Something cool did happen, but it didn't last.

I realized years later that the reality was that I, too, was a coward. I don't know what waits on the other side, if anything, and I'm in no hurry to find out. In fact I would rather it not come whenever it does. But it will.

I stopped reading right there.
That is the reason i wanna become old: i am not even curious any more to see what is around the corner. Avoid pain and suffering. avoid fear, being scared and stuff.

========================

all this is in stark contradiction to what i lived yesterday
-fight with gf, arguments, b**ching... explanations, points of View, what do you need / what do I need, are we gonna stay together or we gonna split...
- sports session to make up the missed time over the last 4 weeks.

and all i lived TOday, mere hours ago:

-drove out into the green valleys, me, GF, 2 dogs
-found us a spot near a river
-had fun in the water (25°C/ around 80°F+ sunshine)
-ate a delicious apple
-carefully gave my dog a go at swimming holding him by his belly, and letting him go
-enjoy dogs reaction, as he wanted to have another go at it.
- home made hamburger and french fries, green salad with red onion rings and tomatoes.

so cool stuff happens!
it is a weekend that leaves me satisfied and hungry for more of the same.




...but in 60 years i will most likely be gone, and all of this completely irrelevant.
It will be irrelevant two weeks from now.
it never HAS BEEN relevant for anyone but the two of us and our dogs.

be glad for the stuff you have and the good times you live in... in theory a good point of View.
It is an incomplete piece of advice, to put you into relation with the elements around you that might not fare so well.
It clouds your mind with happyness.

...but it is not the answer to a few BIG questions in life.
and without those answered to my satisfaction, there is little drive to make more cool stuff happen, cool stuff on a large scale.

[BrucePartington]

Originally Posted by Red October1984

This is why I have Subsim. And some other forums where I'm a member.

Forums are fine to broaden your scope on a subject.
However nothing beats real life, interacting with live people, not some avatar behind a monitor.
Nothings beats learning the dynamics of speech, real life interaction, body language, learning how to posture yourself correctly, how to project an appealing image. Marketing is important for self image as well as merchandise.
If you limit yourself to the forums, you'll be living in a cocoon, connected to a Matrix, your self image being some avatar.
You like hunting, find a hunters club. Or join a volunteer program, to help the elderly, or help stray animals. At your age, socialising and interacting out there in the real world is of utmost importance, it will shape you and your image for years to come.
And there is no time machine. Not yet at least.

[HundertzehnGustav]

Originally Posted by Red October1984

Life is worth living no matter how bad it is.

While I may not be very old, I know what it's like.

I didn't have any friends that I could talk to every day or do stuff with during my childhood. Almost everybody I knew avoided me and all the other kids in school made fun of me. I was "that kid" for a long time.

Having no friends is hard. I tried and tried but still....nothing

my experience is: Trying to have friends can not succeed. People have to see you as a friend, as a good fellow that has a place in their lives.
Actively doing anything to make people turn into your friends is bound to fail. its in their mind, and they have to discover you.

i could apply that to your Girl trials and failures that you talk about later in your post.
Its not you doing stuff to turn a Girl into your other half (sexbomb, best buddy, female wingman, mother of your children... you name it)

It is her being able to discover you for who you are.
And if she does not look behind the mask of "that guy" that you seem to carry then she is not able or not willing to.

And as such has knocked herself out of the group of potential Girlfriends.

Not worthy of.

Outside of my family, I can count on one hand the people my age that I can trust. I've got my two best friends that I don't know where I'd be without.

Soon you will realize that the handsfull (barely handsfull?) of people can not relied on when your hair is on fire in the middle of the desert.. They will refuse to even Piss on your head to save your life.

BEEN THERE.

Going through my childhood with no friends made me socially awkward... It's just how it is. I'm constantly being turned down by the girls and parties are being thrown across the street without me being invited... It sucks...it really does. I hate seeing my few friends and everybody else make plans without me.

again: do not seek to be included. not in any way.
if they do not see you as a great dude who has some awesome features to be loved and cared for... their loss.
Go deeper than a pool party with weed, chicks that show off their body and other shallow BS.

Alone with my thoughts.... That's how it feels. ... I was always just alone with my thoughts. I used to imagine up these big huge stories that I would continue in my head for days in my free time.

same here.
with a spin. i look at people and find their doings completely Bonkers.
like... you park your train at the top of a friggin mountain, before handing it over to another driver.
you do not do it at the low point of a track, you do it at the top point.
and when stuff goes Boom, people scratch their heads and ask "wtf just happened"

Too many thoughts, all alone led me to recognize humanity as insane and selfdestructive.

One would pick the other guy and I'd walk over to the other team hearing "Oh man..we have him on our team"

that is a fine example of how good it feels to be among "normal people"
... it does not feel good at all.

I kept to myself all through my childhood basically. I wasn't wanted. Now, I'm accepted but still ignored.

I just keep thinking to myself....One of these days I'll be a pilot...and one of these days I'll meet that girl...and one of these days I'll be happy.
... you will be happy on Day X.
and on day X-1 you will die, aged 105.
and no, you will not become a pilot. your dreams will one by one be shattered for stupid reasons, and taken away from you by other people.

and even if...
you will soon realize that being a pilot does not change you.
It will turn you into a bus driver.
with a suit.
Your dream, even if achieved, will turn out to be a big pile of poo.
BEEN THERE.

We started talking around November ...

Watch this video and at 0:30 it's the best representation of how it was for me.

On baseball away games, she'd hug everybody on the team except for me.

That was painful...for a while... And what else?
She starts getting really friendly with a guy
"Oh my god, I'm gonna miss you this summer," she says to this guy
I was loading my stuff into the back of my friend's Mustang and may have slammed the trunk a little harder than usual.
Now, it's starting to eat at me a little bit.

LOL that Clip is awesome. he touched lisa! Lisa's got Groobies! and everyone running off.
sooo me.
But the lad got close to that chick. he did better than i did!

re-read what i said above: she does not see you as a team member. same as basketball. same as party people across the street.
YOU have recognized HER to be a potentially AWESOME person to spend time doing stuff with
(time, undefined, activity undefined)

if she does not see good stuff in you...
you either do not have it, or she is not able to see it.
not your loss.

but do not regret that card. regret is the most unproductive feeling ever invented.
see it as a test. witha certain, unexpected result.

And you know what...?
choose one that does not put you down via SMS. She didnt have the B.... the Ba...
she didnt have whatever it takes (can i say VAGINA here???) for a girl to stand in front of you and do that. Whilst YOU took YOUR BALLS by the BALLS and gave her that card. Face to face. and probably sweat dribbling down your back.

so yes, she failed. massively. respect and all that.

why bother?! Dude! there be plenty a fish in the sea.

This isn't to say I won't try again. I'm hoping to take her on an actual date. We'll see once school starts how it'll go.

no it will not happen. she has made that clear.
your turn to listen to the message.
do not waste active energy on one chick that is obviously very "visible". keep your sensors open for the girl in the corner that has the right properties, but is not "visible" as this girl is.
open ears, open eyes. mouth closed, and no "check me out, i am gangsta" stuff.

They respect me now. They come to me whenever they have a history question or a question about computers. They want me to play sports with them...but again...as I said, I'm still ignored by many unless it's necessary to socialize with me.

That is cool to read. being recognized as an able person is a cornerstone of life.
Those that ignore you unless it suits them... i doubt they merit you even thinking about them.

I've got a childhood full of pain and lonelyness that has grown into a teenaged, socially awkward guy who is an expert at hiding feelings and is accepted and liked by his peers after years of being alone.

Similar Path.
Add a set of unable parents, and a series of homes, the result is a shattered opinion of society.

If you have hidden your feelings (coat, mask...) do they accept the dude you portray, or do they accept the real you?
If they knew all of this... yould they still include you in their inner circle, regardless for your previous path and troubles?

The sort of peeps i am stuck with now can not be trusted further than a S-ATA Cable.

TBH, i still feel alone. It's one thing that hasn't gone away. That girl tapped into that feeling and made it worse. That first two months was terrible...I lost some sleep some nights.

Venting a little bit of this on here helps...I would never, ever, ever commit suicide even if i've had the thought. It's the unforgivable sin.

i ask you... says WHO?
and says WHO based on what ARGUMENT?



I think it's the worst thing you can do when you feel beat down.

I was given this life without being asked.
I can damn well throw it away provided I do not take others (kids, dog family...) with me.
Nobody will notice, and if someone does, he will have found a replacement for me in zero time.
7 Billion people.. and counting. everybody is replaceable.

Even you have been replaced by that other guy that this Chick is now talking to.

I am not saying suicide rocks and you shoul d hang yourself though.
the above are my thoughts on the subject.

However, there is that feeling of darkness and loneliness in the back of my mind.

+ 1 thousand.

but then again...I've not been around nice people for most of my childhood.

spot on:
Humans are not nice. They do not live to give. at best they do to give and take. some live only to take.
Advice: never turn TV on again ever.
See / observe people for how they act.

Subsim is great for me.

ditto.

... because since no girls talked to me, that's what everybody thought of me for a while until I fought and managed to put down that rumor.

Why put down that rumour?
as said above, people are 1di0Z.
people do not want you, so why listen to their crap?
waste of time and energy.
you wanna put out that rumour, do so by finding (passively, see above, only ears and eyes)
...by finding a girl that is worth your time and kissing her in front of the entire school.

Suicide is bad. It's not the way out. The way out is to fight through it and give it your best shot.

suicide is one way out.
is it the right one? you decide.
is it the best one? you decide.
is it a good one? for the people around me... nope. i know 3 people that can not live without me, or spend their lives handicapped by my absence.
GF needs me to be happy, to believe in a future.
Dog needas me to live. I saved his hairy butt from being "put down" i believe you call it. Now dropping out would make no sense for me.


so suicide is, for now, not a necessity.
got a job, four walls to live in, my pooter and my games to fool around in.
got a woman that loves me, got a dog that thrusts me, and have had some proper sun+food.

but i can understand suicide.
and i aint giving in to some "be happy, others have gotten it worse" message...
because i still see no purpose in life. human life in particular.

off to make me another burger and some more salad.

Thank you for your awesome post by the way.

[Red October1984]

Originally Posted by BrucePartington

Forums are fine to broaden your scope on a subject.
However nothing beats real life, interacting with live people, not some avatar behind a monitor.
Nothings beats learning the dynamics of speech, real life interaction, body language, learning how to posture yourself correctly, how to project an appealing image. Marketing is important for self image as well as merchandise.
If you limit yourself to the forums, you'll be living in a cocoon, connected to a Matrix, your self image being some avatar.
You like hunting, find a hunters club. Or join a volunteer program, to help the elderly, or help stray animals. At your age, socialising and interacting out there in the real world is of utmost importance, it will shape you and your image for years to come.
And there is no time machine. Not yet at least.

I'm in the Civil Air Patrol and I've been hanging out with those guys...People who love flying just as much as I do.

I know nothing beats the real world. I prefer the real world over all. I'm a man of action. I get right to the point.

Originally Posted by HundertzehnGustav

my experience is: Trying to have friends can not succeed. People have to see you as a friend, as a good fellow that has a place in their lives.
Actively doing anything to make people turn into your friends is bound to fail. its in their mind, and they have to discover you.

I just wished they would've at least talked to me like a normal human being when I was younger.

i could apply that to your Girl trials and failures that you talk about later in your post.
Its not you doing stuff to turn a Girl into your other half (sexbomb, best buddy, female wingman, mother of your children... you name it)

I know that stuff doesn't work. I've witnessed the many failures of others by these things.

It is her being able to discover you for who you are.
And if she does not look behind the mask of "that guy" that you seem to carry then she is not able or not willing to.

She looked past the "That Guy" mask...I haven't had that as strong as it used to be. She's nice enough...she's just one of those girls that stays independent.

And as such has knocked herself out of the group of potential Girlfriends.

Not worthy of.

Now, I asked her once. She said no once.

That doesn't immediately make her bad and not worthy.

Soon you will realize that the handsfull (barely handsfull?) of people can not relied on when your hair is on fire in the middle of the desert.. They will refuse to even Piss on your head to save your life.

BEEN THERE.

I only trust the people that will...and have done that kind of thing for me. (Not literally, that is)

People that have gone out of their way to see if I was doing alright or needed help with something or needed somebody to talk to.

again: do not seek to be included. not in any way.
if they do not see you as a great dude who has some awesome features to be loved and cared for... their loss.
Go deeper than a pool party with weed, chicks that show off their body and other shallow BS.

I'm just fine with my small group of friends.

And tbh, if somebody I knew threw a pool party with weed...I would probably never talk to that person again. I hate drugs with a passion. There's no reason at all to do something that stupid. Thankfully, most of the people in my little town are better than that.

Like I said, I'm a man of action. I get to the point. I don't want to mess around with all that other "shallow BS" and drama and stuff.

Those girls that like showing off their body? Don't like them. Yes, some of them might be pretty...but looks isn't everything.

There's such a thing as too skinny also... For the most part, I don't like really skinny girls. There should be a bit of meat on the bones and personality. A girl with a great personality is better than a pretty slut.

Too many thoughts, all alone led me to recognize humanity as insane and selfdestructive.

And then you meet your best friends and realize that not all humanity is bad and that there are a few good ones in the bunch.

that is a fine example of how good it feels to be among "normal people"
... it does not feel good at all.

That's why everybody needs to be a little weird. Keep it interesting.

... you will be happy on Day X.
and on day X-1 you will die, aged 105.
and no, you will not become a pilot. your dreams will one by one be shattered for stupid reasons, and taken away from you by other people.

and even if...
you will soon realize that being a pilot does not change you.
It will turn you into a bus driver.
with a suit.
Your dream, even if achieved, will turn out to be a big pile of poo.
BEEN THERE.

I won't think about that kind of thing. I don't allow thoughts like that to stay for very long...because flying is my first love in this world. I love it. I will do it one way or another. I'm planning on going to college, getting my commercial license and then going into the Air Force. If that doesn't work out, I can fly civil.

LOL that Clip is awesome. he touched lisa! Lisa's got Groobies! and everyone running off.
sooo me.
But the lad got close to that chick. he did better than i did!

That is how it is.

There was one girl I used to like. I'll tell another story.

I went with a small group of friends to the skating rink. There were 6 of us. 3 guys...3 girls.

The two other guys asked the 2 other girls at the couple's skate to go skating.

Me? I went and asked this last girl...she looks at me, lets out a sigh, "I guess." and has this exact look on her face most of the time " "

I enjoyed it...and talking to her was nice...but I can tell she didn't like it and I eventually gave up on her when my friend started going after her. I'd rather them both be happy together than me be stuck with somebody who doesn't want anything to do with me.

re-read what i said above: she does not see you as a team member. same as basketball. same as party people across the street.
YOU have recognized HER to be a potentially AWESOME person to spend time doing stuff with
(time, undefined, activity undefined)

if she does not see good stuff in you...
you either do not have it, or she is not able to see it.
not your loss.

I just want to get to know her better and let her get to know me...maybe she'll come around. Maybe. I'd like another chance...

but do not regret that card. regret is the most unproductive feeling ever invented.
see it as a test. witha certain, unexpected result.

Sometimes I feel like it was a good thing and sometimes I don't. At the time of my post, it was a regret kind of time.

And you know what...?
choose one that does not put you down via SMS. She didnt have the B.... the Ba...
she didnt have whatever it takes (can i say VAGINA here???) for a girl to stand in front of you and do that. Whilst YOU took YOUR BALLS by the BALLS and gave her that card. Face to face. and probably sweat dribbling down your back.

so yes, she failed. massively. respect and all that.

She texted me because I wouldn't see her again for a few days. She was going away to some conference IIRC. (Didn't care to remember)

She still talks to me in person sometimes...and lately she's even approached me to talk.

why bother?! Dude! there be plenty a fish in the sea.

I know that...There are others out there...but this one seemed to stand out. This one is different than the typical High School girl. Most high school girls are b****es anyway. I go for the one who doesn't fall into that category.

I know I'll find the one someday. Whether we stay together or not...I'll find her.

no it will not happen. she has made that clear.
your turn to listen to the message.
do not waste active energy on one chick that is obviously very "visible". keep your sensors open for the girl in the corner that has the right properties, but is not "visible" as this girl is.
open ears, open eyes. mouth closed, and no "check me out, i am gangsta" stuff.

That's how I am. I don't bother with that "show-off gangsta" stuff.

When I was a camp counselor a couple weeks ago, the first thing I told my campers was "None of that Swag crap guys. Girls won't like Swag when you're 20 and you have a baby and a crappy apartment with bills piling up...so why even bother?" (Note: My campers were 9th Grade Boys...so they knew what I meant. Thankfully, there were no Swag kids in the bunch. It was a good group to work with)

That is cool to read. being recognized as an able person is a cornerstone of life.
Those that ignore you unless it suits them... i doubt they merit you even thinking about them.

There was one time where a teacher had us write compliment notes for every classmate as some sort of self-confidence builder.

I was shocked at how high my classmates thought of me. They listed things they thought I was good at and they really boosted my self-esteem.

That was more or less The Great Awakening when I found out that they accept me for who I am and they even like it.

If you have hidden your feelings (coat, mask...) do they accept the dude you portray, or do they accept the real you?
If they knew all of this... yould they still include you in their inner circle, regardless for your previous path and troubles?

There are those friends that don't want to hear about feelings. And then there is the small group of the best friends who actually care how I'm doing and those are the only ones I need. People who accept me for the real me.

I don't portray myself to be really anything. I'm just the average joe. I don't try to look like anything more than I am. I'm me.

The sort of peeps i am stuck with now can not be trusted further than a S-ATA Cable.

Who needs them then? Don't trust them with anything. Find you one or two friends that you can really trust and it'll work wonders. It did for me. Like I said, without my two best friends...its possible that I would not be here typing this post. The thought crossed my mind more than once.

i ask you... says WHO?
and says WHO based on what ARGUMENT?

I didn't want to bring religion into this...but I'm Catholic.

Religion can help when nothing else will. In my belief system, suicide will send you straight to Hell for more suffering. Why do that?

In my religion, you ask for forgiveness and you are forgiven. (More complicated than that...but that's it in a nutshell) Suicide is the one that you can't ask forgiveness for. It's one of the biggest "no-no's"

I don't know what you believe in or if you do at all...but I've found that being around people that do can really do a lot. If you don't believe in anything, will you just go find a priest/minister to talk to? You don't have to believe or convert to their religion...but it can help you. Trust me. It can.

I was given this life without being asked.
I can damn well throw it away provided I do not take others (kids, dog family...) with me.
Nobody will notice, and if someone does, he will have found a replacement for me in zero time.
7 Billion people.. and counting. everybody is replaceable.

You have to stop thinking like this.

Your family cares more than you think. You are ONE in 7 Billion. There is not another you. There won't be another you. You stand out to them. They love you.

Never think that nobody will notice. EVER. I have known people who have lost family members and friends to suicide, drunk driving, other accidents...

Those people miss the person. They wish it had never happened. Some have even gone downhill into their own depression.

Even I am starting to care a little bit. You and I have both had problems. We both have been through rough patches...

If I logged in tomorrow to see a death message from Neal announcing that you are on Eternal Patrol do you know how many of us would care? We would notice...your family will notice...your friends will notice. No matter how bad your friends treat you, they care. Trust me...they do. You have to fight through the rough times.

Even you have been replaced by that other guy that this Chick is now talking to.

I'm not exactly sure on that. They actually might be cousins...but I haven't confirmed that. I don't know...it's going to be part of getting to know her better this fall.

+ 1 thousand.

It's sad but true. Most of the time I don't have that feeling...but when I have a bad day, you better believe that that's what's on my mind.

spot on:
Humans are not nice. They do not live to give. at best they do to give and take. some live only to take.

There are those that stand out. They are your close family and friends. There are people out there that live to give. Like I said, go have a talk with a religious person. Just a casual talk.

I bet you'll feel better afterwards.

Why put down that rumour?

I don't want to be known as "the gay kid" in a Catholic community.

you wanna put out that rumour, do so by finding (passively, see above, only ears and eyes)
...by finding a girl that is worth your time and kissing her in front of the entire school.

That rumor doesn't exist any more...thank god. But the girl..I will do that when I find her.

suicide is one way out.
is it the right one? you decide.
is it the best one? you decide.
is it a good one? for the people around me... nope. i know 3 people that can not live without me, or spend their lives handicapped by my absence.
GF needs me to be happy, to believe in a future.
Dog needas me to live. I saved his hairy butt from being "put down" i believe you call it. Now dropping out would make no sense for me.

See? There are people who would care if you were gone.

Spend time with these people. Live life. Don't think suicide is a way out...because it really isn't...

It just causes suffering for those around you. Even the people you don't know well will care.

so suicide is, for now, not a necessity.
got a job, four walls to live in, my pooter and my games to fool around in.
got a woman that loves me, got a dog that thrusts me, and have had some proper sun+food.

There's a thing. Suicide is not a necessity.

Nobody had to kill themselves. False perceptions about their life pushed them that far.

Everybody has a reason to live.

but i can understand suicide.
and i aint giving in to some "be happy, others have gotten it worse" message...
because i still see no purpose in life. human life in particular.

The purpose is to enjoy it. Enjoy living life with the people you love. Enjoy the little things...enjoy the big things...and don't let the failures set you back too far.

Maybe you just have trouble finding your purpose. Spend time with people you love and people who care about you. You'll find it eventually.

Thank you for your awesome post by the way.

No need to thank me. We've all hit bottom. We've all had rough patches.

Plus, it's nice to talk to somebody who's been there before...

If you need somebody to talk to, I'm here if it ever gets to that point.

[Red October1984]

Some good songs on the topic or go with the topic




















Along with this poem that Sailor Steve linked to me one day

Richard Cory