The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.

[BossMark]

I got so pissed last night I don't know if I found some keys or lost a car.

[Jimbuna]

I've just spent a good twenty minutes in the tunnel telling Brendan Rodgers which formation and tactics he should use in today's match.

"Look," he shouted. "I've paid the toll, now open the bloody barrier!"

[BossMark]

The United States is on track to become the worlds largest producer of oil.
If history has taught us anything, its that the United States will soon be invading the United States.

[Jimbuna]

My wife went to the cinema with her friends last night and left me in charge of our two year old son.

She called me when she got there and said, "Is Jack ok?"

"He's absolutely fine," I replied, "He's in the bath at the moment, you've got nothing to worry about."

"Is he playing with his little yellow duck?" she asked.

I said, "I don't know, I can't see him from the pub."

[BossMark]

The BBC have announced that Bruce Forsyth has pulled out of tonight's Strictly Come Dancing because he's sick.

"They really could have worded that better," said a detective from Operation Yewtree.

[Jimbuna]

I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again.

[BossMark]

If there's one thing I've learnt from Formula 1 over the past 2 decades, it's the German national anthem.

[Jimbuna]

The cops pulled me over and said, "You were swerving all over the road there. We got you on camera."

"Yeah I know. It's hard to keep your eye on the road while trying to smile for a photo," I replied

[BossMark]

I walked into my local pub, sat at the bar and ordered a pint. I noticed a bloke sitting next to me looking forlornly at a photograph of a woman.

"She was beautiful," he said, tears rolling down his face. "She was my best friend, she was always up for a laugh. She even loved sex."

"I'm sorry," I said. "When did she pass away?"

"Oh, she not dead," he replied. "We got married."

[Jimbuna]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention centre where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, And Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.

The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

[BossMark]

My daughter brought her new boyfriend home tonight.
He was quiet but polite.
Not once did he ask me why I was holding an axe.

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

America was not shut down properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

I wish we could reboot congress in "safe"mode. No political add-ons, no agendas, just do their basic jobs.

But then we would never want to fully reboot them.

[BossMark]

A quick quiz for you on Famous Quotations. Who said: "I see dead people."?

The Sicilian Coastguard.

[BossMark]

A lad approached me inside Sports and Soccer and said he was the best shoplifter around.
"I can smuggle anything out of here you want down my trousers for half price" He said.
So I asked him to get me 2 footballs and a baseball bat..