The same thing we do every night. An Evil Genius AAR

[Hottentot]

BWAHAHAHAA!! IT'S ALIVE!! ALIVE!!!




Ze same can't be said about my minions who are trying to keep it running, zough.




What? What is zis? It stopped?! I didn't give it a permission to stop burning my minions alive!! Conspiracy!! Sabotage!!




Zis is so serious crime against evilness zat I can't make my point wiz a simple Luger. I need heavier equipment.




Zere. I'm sure ze leader of ze science team will understand my point of view much better now. Whoever he is going to be, ze minions haven't started drawing straws yet.




Fortunately zere is some more competent help available. I notice zat zere is a serious lack of a comical sidekick wiz British accent in here, so I decide to hire one.




Ridiculous costume. Check. Useless, yet funny looking cartoon gun. Check. Peg-leg. Check. Calls everyone "Matey". Check...




Sheesh, he has barely settled in and ze "World Against British Humor" is already knocking on my door. Look at ze amount of zose agents! You'd zink Amnesty International was on my case or somezing!




I wonder if zey'll find zis practical joke of mine more to zeir liking?




While dealing wiz normal agents is merely a nuisance, I'm more concerned about how ze Waiter and ze Musclehead somehow managed to interrupt my evil ranting. I don't understand how zey do it! It's like everytime I'm in ze middle of a good monologue, I'm interrupted at a dramatic point and ze camera cuts away to zem fumbling around like muppets!

To make sure it doesn't happen again, I draft a plan to get rid of zem permanently. But first I need to lure zem back to my island, so I start a series of daring raids. Cuba hasn't tasted my wraz for a while now.




I'm sure punching a panda is somezing no goody two-shoe can fail to notice.




No? Zen how about secretly giving ze Holy Cow of Capitalism, ze Coca-Cola, for free to zeir worst enemies, ze communists?!




At first it didn't seem to work. All I got was more zirsty reds invading my island in search of black nectar.




But soon after zem arrived Mr. Musclehead. I'm not sure if he is hunting me, ze Cola-zieves or boz. Doesn't matter.




He doesn't know zat I know his muscles are not natural. In fact, researching his sweaty towel revealed zat ze man is basically a walking drug store.




Ze science team also found out zat zose drugs may have interesting side effects when introduced to some of our drugs. Let's see what happens...




Hmm, interesting.




Ze science team claims success, but I honestly fail to see ze difference.




Aha, zere it is! Ze vats made him smarter, and he is now working for me. Zey also infused him wiz deep hatred towards ninjas apparently.




Speaking of working for me, I decide to get ze Gender Equality nutsys to stop zeir ranting for good by hiring a woman in my service. Her resume led me to understand I could delegate watching ze minions to her.

[Hottentot]

And speaking of women, zere is still Ms. Horrible Fashion Sense. She hasn't been around lately, which makes me all ze more sure zat she is just behind ze corner. I decide to lure her to my island too by continuing my evil campaign. Ze first task is to feed ze stuff left behind by Mr. Musclehead to some bulls in Europe.




It didn't work, but I quickly deduce ze reason to be zat by causing trouble in Europe, I only made her happier, since she is from some backwater Marxist hellhole. Zerefore I move my minions to her home area and start by helping one of her communist idols to finally find final sleep.




OK, zat didn't work eizer. Time to take ze gloves off! I didn't want to do zis because even I have some boundaries zat separate my diabolical evilness from world destroying madness. But she didn't leave me any choices.




It took two minutes for her to rush here after ze sacrilege. Just as I had hoped.




What she doesn't know is zat I have already much earlier sent minions to visit her parents and ask zem what is her weak spot. No no no, zere was no violence. A bottle of vodka and a pair of jeans was all zey wanted to spill ze beans.




Ze parents were actually a little too co-operative. It was difficult to stop zem once zey started ranting how zeir little daughter had never loved zem. In fact, ze only one she has ever loved was her cheap communist copy of a Teddy Bear. A Teddy Bear which I zen took hostage in exchange for a carton of cigarettes. A Teddy Bear, wiz which she now has a meeting.




Wizout furzer ado, I order one of my minions to beat ze Teddy up while she watches.




She is tougher zan I expected. Fortunately ze good doctor borrowed us a meat cleaver for zis occasion.




Slice and dice, ze Teddy is down. And ze fact zat I have just witnessed killing a toy wiz a meat cleaver must also be ze lowest point of my career too.




Lowest or not, it worked. Ms. Horrible Fashion Sense bursts into tears and runs away so quickly zat I don't even get ze pleasure of zrowing her out personally. Good. Zat's again one less to worry about.




To celebrate ze victory, I order ze dead Teddy moved into my inner sanctum as a trofy.




Zen zere is still ze Waiter. I have no idea what to do wiz him. He has been my guest for a while now and no form of torture seems to break him. I even tried Lady Gaga and Avril Lavigne, but all for vain. Instead he has broken already a dozen of valet minions wiz his speech style: "I'm hungry. Very hungry. I want food. Good food."




Bah, ze valets are expendable and ze world won't wait! Ze new leader of ze science team has assured me zat zis time ze engine is going to work properly, so I decide to conduct anozer test. Zis time WIZOUT interrupting camera work!

AND NOW, WORLD!




It works! It works even better zan ze last time, burning my minions alive quicker zan anyzing I have come up wiz earlier!!




And ze test was succesful! It burned down so many minions at so high rate zat I'm sure it can take my rocket into ze orbit!




To truly crown my victory, I order ze minions to get me a new zrone. Ze stone statue has proved to be very uncomfortable.




While zey are doing zat, ze rest of ze minions are ordered to build transmitter aerials. It's time to issue my ultimatum to ze world.




Finally! Everyzing is ready! All zose lonely moments in ze inner sanctum were not in vain! All ze rehearsing and rewriting of my evil ultimatum speech was for zis very moment! I have been waiting for zis for so long now! Sitting down in ze TV-studio in my inner sanctum, I start pointing at ze camera and ranting.

[Hottentot]

Behold! The Grande Finale is here!


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -



ZEY LAUGHED AT ME!! ZE WHOLE WORLD LAUGHED AT ME!!!! ZEY CALLED ME DELUSIONAL AND STUBBY!!!!!! AND RIDICULED MY MONOCLE!!!!!!

DONNERWETTER!! ZEY MESSED WIZ WRONG DICTATOR ZIS TIME!! ASSEMBLE ZE ROCKET!!!! IN ZEN MINUTES ZEY WILL REGRET ZEIR MISTAKE!!!!




It seems ze world has really had it wiz me now. Right after zey have stopped rolling on ze floor laughing, zey all send zeir soldiers to stop me from fulfilling my dream.




However, zey can't decide whose fault zis is and zerefore mostly fight wiz each ozer instead of my minions.




Let zem! Zey can't stop me! In nine minutes everyone shall bow down to my stubbyness!!




Ze Waiter is getting confused in his cell when no one is bringing him martinis anymore. I zink I can see sweat on his forehead.




Bwahahahaa! Eight minutes, and in goes anozer rocket part.




Oh. Ze surviving soldiers have found my front door and are trying to batter it down. Ze fools!




I order Jubei to make some sushi for my coronation party.




I also visit ze Waiter personally to point and laugh at him in ze best evil villain style I know. What do you zink happens now? Do you zink he can break out of his cell? Do you zink he somehow miraculously escapes and foils my plan at ze last moment?




No, I didn't zink so eizer. One minute.




Ten...nine...eight...seven...six...five...four...z ree...two...one...




All systems are ready to go! Ze only zing left is to press Ze Big Red Button(tm).

I zink now is a good time to have an evil mastermind monologue. I can stand here in front of Ze Big Red Button(tm) and rant only to be interrupted by an unlikely hero, a disgruntled minion whose brozer I killed years ago. As he shoots me in ze back, I can fall on Ze Big Red Button(tm) and zen he can somehow abort ze launch wiz his nerdy red haired girl friend, wiz whom he shares ze bed but still lives in completely platonic relationship.

Yes. I zink now is ze time for zat.




BUT SCREW ZE CONVENTIONS!!




As ze silo door opens, zere is still one part of ze rocket which hasn't been attached to its tip. A very crucial part.




Namely ze Waiter.




As the minions leave, I gaze the Waiter gripping to the rocket once more and feel a little sad. It appears that in the end, despite of having somewhat good fashion sense compared to his colleagues, he was still just a stupid investigator.

Whose luck has run out. LAUNCH!!




Ha! I told you I would be shooting someone into ze space in zis operation! Too bad ze minions seems to have misplaced ze space suit again.

[Hottentot]

Ewww! Look at all zose normal people, living zeir normal life in a normal city! I can't stand watching zat!!




It's time for ZE CHANGE!!




Yuck! Small dog! I hate small dogs!!



Bwahahahaa, better!!



MUCH BETTER!!!!




ZE WORLD WILL WITNESS MY POWER!! ZE POWER OF TURNING EVERYONE INTO A FASHION SENSELESS CONSTRUCTION WORKER!!!




NO MORE COSTUMES!! NO MORE MINISKIRTS!! NO MORE LEAZER JACKETS!! ONLY GREEN RUBBER BOOTS AND YELLOW JUMPSUITS!!!!




SCREAM IN TERROR AND FEAR ME, OH WORLD ZAT LAUGHED AT MY MONOCLE!!!




IN YOUR FACE, FLEMING!!! EVIL IS ZE NEW GOOD!!!

[Hottentot]

EPILOGUE BY HUMPHREY THE HAMSTER



Hmph! So that muppet managed to finish the story after all and now I'm left to handle the obligatory evil monologue because he is incapable of saying anything more complex than "Hottentot hungry, Hottentot goes to eat"? Well then...

I admit, I never expected him to have the ability to see the story to the end, even under my careful guidance. Not that it's a very good story, mind you. It has too little me and too much of that monocle fatso that looks suspiciously like Hottentot. I guess that's why he chose it instead of the tall, rich and hot chick avatar. Figures, huh?

I admit though, it's not a total failure. The parts where I held Hottentot's dirty and hairy hand are actually pretty good. I like the debate fight the most. That dolt Hottentot wanted to make it just an old fashioned fight scene like it is in the game, but after I punched him in the nose, he admitted that my idea was better. In the end he said it was fun to come up with new ways of representing the old events in the game. Makes the game have more replay value that way, he says. I will let him imagine it was his idea all along.

Still, I hope you enjoyed this story, because you can't expect that prick to write another one about Evil Genius. The game is so dreadfully predictable that all the events would be more or less the same and I don't trust Hottentot to have enough brain cells to play it any other way than he did now. So therefore if someone wants another Evil Genius story, then sorry folks, you will have to write it yourself. If you do, I promise I will force Hottentot to read it and point out all the stupid mistakes he made in his own miserable AAR.

In case you are easily amused, however, then you don't need to worry yet. Hottentot drooled and babbled something incomprehensible from which I understood the words "another game" and "new story". Of course it might have something to do with his rodent fantasies that you don't really want to hear about, but I think he meant something about new AAR like this, just from another game this time. He keeps saying "Doltstein" and I keep punching him in the nose for as long as it takes him to understand that I don't want to teach him basic tactics of survival under fire again.

Probably at some point he manages to again sneak from under my considerable nose and install that deliriously stupid game and write another infantile war story, but that's not going to happen as long as I'm not distracted by food, sleep, drinking or girl hamsters. Instead I'm sure I can guide his silly little mind again to write about something more interesting. For some reason he has the mental acuity of an average table, but when it comes to finding good and story potential games, he is some sort of idiot savant. So you can expect more of my brilliant mind's products in the future as soon as Hottentot stops drooling and takes me to the box to select a new game.

This is just the beginning of my glorious reign over cheap comedy and easy laughs!

[Oberon]

Very good Mr Hottentot, very good. An excellent AAR indeed. Thoroughly enjoyed it.

[Arclight]

Now what will we do tomorrow night?

[Hottentot]

Originally Posted by Arclight

Now what will we do tomorrow night?

Taking over the world is such hard work. I was thinking of taking a vacation after this project. To some warm place. With lots of sand and sun. Probably lots of nasty big insects too and simple people leading a simple way of life. Have some leisure time. Drink lots of soft drinks and start a new collection hobby with them. That sort of things.

I'll send you guys a postcard!

[Oberon]

Originally Posted by Arclight

Now what will we do tomorrow night?