Bad News

[Feuer Frei!]

Well, where do i start? I thought this over a lot, of wether i should post this here.
Reasons are that i believe that the condition of my health is no-one elses' business, and another reason is that none of you have ever met me.
However, after some deliberation i thought that i would post this, in the hope that the male members of SUBSIM can perhaps learn from this and it is vitally important for self-examination.
Now, what is all this about you ask?
Today has been the very worst part of my life, at 09:30 this morning, my time, i had a follow-up consultation at the hospital, after the removal of a Testicular tumour, that it is malignant, ie cancer, and that i will need chemo therapy.
There was a battery of tests done in the lead-up to this, due to the fact that i had been losing weight steadily over the last 10 to 12 mths.
Unfortunately, upon noticing a lump in my testicle, i did not immediately consult my GP.
I played with fire there.
Obviously. I advised the GP about a month ago of this and he immediately ordered an ultra sound of the region.
Result: Tumour, possibly cancerous.
Great. We move on to the ordering of Upper Body x-rays to determine if this has spread.
Result: Most probably not, a slight doubt exists at present in my stomach, however the Doctor has stated this is not to be upset about.
Next, operation to remove tumour and ie the loss of testicle.
Result: Where we are now, the morning after the follow-up.
I have cancer. Has this sunk in? Yes and no.
I'm not sure at what stage i am right now, denial? No, far from it. Acceptance: Yes, although to what level?
The Doctors who gave the me news at the hospital today could not and would not speculate on chemo therapy and it's consequences.
Side effects? Oh, i'm aware of them.
Procedure? In my case it will be via injection, quickest route to the system, right?
The Oncology Dept will inform me of the strength of the treatment, ie a localised one or the full barage/dose.
And over what time period.
I have informed my parents, well, my dad to be precise because my Mother is suffering from Dementia, and that is getting worse by the day. She hardly eats nowadays, i haven't seen my mother in over 2 years and of what my dad tells me of her now, in what state she is in, it breaks me in two.
I have memories of my mother fit and jovial, always humerous and up and about at 7am in the morning, working daily chores and cooking, etc etc.
This is not fair!
Now this.
There are a miriad of thoughts that have entered my mind.
From the most positive: "it'll be fine, it'll be localised treatment, and i will go into remission and i'll see improvements, to:" i will never ever get a chance to go into remission, the chemo has/is failing, we are losing, i am sorry to inform you Mr Feuer Frei! but you have x amount of time left to live".
People are supportive, of course they are.
What are they going to say?
What about my kids?
My 3 beeautiful daughters? Well, 2 of them are too young too understand.
My eldest is 8, she would but, no point in telling her anything until chemo has worked. Or hasn't.
I am chain-smoking, have been for the last 3 weeks. My work has been supportive, have not worked for the last 3 weeks due to the operation and the follow-up.
Now this.
Well, it's a wall of text, i know.
Some deep and dark stuff written here, i am sorry if this depresses anyone, it is not meant to distress or offend or fish for sympathy. Far from it. It is to make the men aware that we need to be aware of things like this, and if in doubt, talk to your GP. Much earlier than what i did.
I will pray to God. For that is all i can do now. I just hope i didn't leave the self-examination too late. Hindsight is a luxury right?