The joke thread - Page 205

Jimbuna · 01-08-13, 06:06 PM

It's so hard to find the right person these days.

All I want is a woman who loves long walks on the beach.

It'll give her something to do whilst I watch football.

BossMark · 01-09-13, 01:32 AM

We're having a flag day at work tomorrow.

I've only got a white one, so I'll be France.

Jimbuna · 01-09-13, 04:04 AM

I'll never join one of those online dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way.

Through alcohol and poor judgement.

BossMark · 01-09-13, 04:52 AM

The man with the recent hand transplant has just been caught shoplifting in Tesco.........turns out the donor was a scouser !!!!!

Sailor Steve · 01-09-13, 10:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

It's so hard to find the right person these days.

All I want is a woman who loves long walks on the beach.

It'll give her something to do whilst I watch football.

LOL.

Reminds me of a true-life story from my late friend Rocky. Rocky's wife was a born hiker. She loved to take long weekend trips out to the country, and while it really wasn't his thing (unless there was some shooting involved) he went along on family trips just to keep the peace. Rocky always took along a big box full of unpainted wargaming figs, plus adequate supplies. While his wife and kids went for long walks in the desert and mountains, Rocky would sit outside the tent with a portable table and chair, happily doing what he did at home anyway.

In later years his kids got old enough to paint stuff themselves, and his poor wife ended up going for long hikes in the mountains alone.

MEN!

BossMark · 01-09-13, 10:53 AM

"What the hell are you doing!?" I said to my wife, "You've reversed the car over my motorbike!"

She said, "It's your own fault for leaving it in the shed!"

Jimbuna · 01-09-13, 01:26 PM

Tomorrow I am taking the wife to visit her great grandad so she can spend a long time with him ... He was buried at sea.

BossMark · 01-09-13, 01:35 PM

Stoke City have released Michael Owen after another injury scare.

He fell out of the transfer window.

Jimbuna · 01-09-13, 02:47 PM

I saw David and Victoria Beckham at a party last night.

I walked over to David and said, "I never knew that you were blind."

"I'm not." he replied.

I said, "So what's with the white stick?"

BossMark · 01-09-13, 03:10 PM

I was playing Poker with the wife last night when she said, "I fold."

"I know you do love," I replied, "And you do a damn good job of the washing and ironing too."

Jimbuna · 01-09-13, 03:59 PM

I took a girl back to my house last night.

Just as we were about to have sex, she gave me a condom.
I looked at it and asked her, ''How does it work? I've never used it in my life.''

''Ooh,'' she smiled, '' You're still a virgin?''

I said, ''No, but I have six children with six different mothers.''

BossMark · 01-10-13, 02:43 AM

Justin Bieber was hated by everyone so much, even Jimmy Saville turned down the opportunity to meet him.

Cybermat47 · 01-10-13, 02:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BossMark

Justin Bieber was hated by everyone so much, even Jimmy Saville turned down the opportunity to meet him.

I don't see what's so funny about the truth

Jimbuna · 01-10-13, 07:19 AM

A woman from a local charity came to my front door and asked if I'd like to donate to a new pool they're building for kids.

I told her to hang on a minute and came back with a glass of water.

BossMark · 01-10-13, 08:21 AM

Just been down the seats of my wife's car and found a pair of men's boxer shorts and some handcuffs... I put them back, and I will try and look surprised on Christmas day

.. very clever my wife, buying in the January sales..

01-08-13, 06:06 PM	#3061
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,403 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	It's so hard to find the right person these days. All I want is a woman who loves long walks on the beach. It'll give her something to do whilst I watch football. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-09-13, 01:32 AM	#3062
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	We're having a flag day at work tomorrow. I've only got a white one, so I'll be France. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-09-13, 04:04 AM	#3063
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,403 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I'll never join one of those online dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. Through alcohol and poor judgement. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-09-13, 04:52 AM	#3064
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The man with the recent hand transplant has just been caught shoplifting in Tesco.........turns out the donor was a scouser !!!!! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-09-13, 10:53 AM	#3066
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"What the hell are you doing!?" I said to my wife, "You've reversed the car over my motorbike!" She said, "It's your own fault for leaving it in the shed!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-09-13, 01:26 PM	#3067
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,403 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Tomorrow I am taking the wife to visit her great grandad so she can spend a long time with him ... He was buried at sea. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-09-13, 01:35 PM	#3068
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Stoke City have released Michael Owen after another injury scare. He fell out of the transfer window. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-09-13, 02:47 PM	#3069
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,403 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I saw David and Victoria Beckham at a party last night. I walked over to David and said, "I never knew that you were blind." "I'm not." he replied. I said, "So what's with the white stick?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-09-13, 03:10 PM	#3070
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was playing Poker with the wife last night when she said, "I fold." "I know you do love," I replied, "And you do a damn good job of the washing and ironing too." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-09-13, 03:59 PM	#3071
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,403 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I took a girl back to my house last night. Just as we were about to have sex, she gave me a condom. I looked at it and asked her, ''How does it work? I've never used it in my life.'' ''Ooh,'' she smiled, '' You're still a virgin?'' I said, ''No, but I have six children with six different mothers.'' __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-10-13, 02:43 AM	#3072
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Justin Bieber was hated by everyone so much, even Jimmy Saville turned down the opportunity to meet him. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-10-13, 07:19 AM	#3074
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,403 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A woman from a local charity came to my front door and asked if I'd like to donate to a new pool they're building for kids. I told her to hang on a minute and came back with a glass of water. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-10-13, 08:21 AM	#3075
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Just been down the seats of my wife's car and found a pair of men's boxer shorts and some handcuffs... I put them back, and I will try and look surprised on Christmas day .. very clever my wife, buying in the January sales.. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now