Jokes To Offend Everyone

[Jimbuna]

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[SUBMAN1]

Originally Posted by antikristuseke

What does American beer and sex in a canoe have in common?

It's f'in close to water.

That is funny (I can't believe they call Budweiser beer)! Our Microbrews however will make your European beer look water however!

Try this one next time you get a chance - http://www.ratebeer.com/beer/dogfish...ute-ipa/22904/

I dare you to come back with something to compete with that!

-S

[Jimbuna]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

Oi whats your disability?

I said "Tourettes, you fuc*ing cu*t!"

[StdDev]

A redhead & a blonde pass a flower shop as the redhead spots her fella buying flowers.

Redhead says "Oh damnit, he always has expectations after buying me flowers.
I don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air".

The blonde says ..."Don't you have a vase"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend
Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,
"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and
it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."
replied Rosita

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."*

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Scots, the best man Archie and the groom Jock are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

'Ach, it's all going to be grand", says Jock. "I've everything organized already, the flowers, the church, the cards, the reception, the rings, the minister, and you've taken care of ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continued Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw; you'll look pure deed smart in that!"

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white....."

[Jimbuna]

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"

[SUBMAN1]

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Jimbuna]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

'Is there a problem Officer?'

The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'

The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'

'You don't have one?'

The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'

The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'

'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'

The policeman says, 'Why not?'

'I stole this car.'

The officer says, 'Stole it?'

The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'

At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?'

'She's in the boot if you want to see.'

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'

The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'

'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'

'Murdered the owner?'

The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'

The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'

The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'

[Kapitan_Phillips]

President Bush was giving a speech in a Cornish Primary School one day, infront of a hundred or so children. Bush comes in surrounded by security and steps to the front, and says:

"Okay, before we begin, are there any questions you'd like to ask me?"

A little boy put his hand up in the front row.

"Yes sir, Mr President, my name is Billy and I have two questions. Why is it you're president of the United States when Mr Gore had more votes than you did, and where is Bin Laden?"

And with that, the school bell went for lunch, and all the children filed out to eat. An hour later, they reconvened, and once again, George Bush asks:

"Are there any other questions before we begin?"

And another boy puts up his hand.

"Yes sir, Mr President, I have four questions. Why is it you're president of the United States when Mr Gore had more votes than you did, Where is Bin Laden, Why did the school bell go twenty minutes early today, and where is Billy?"

[Stealth Hunter]

What do you call 100 white men running down a hill? Avalanche
What do you call 100 black men running down a hill? Mudslide
What do you call 100 mexicans running down a hill? Jailbreak!

[Stealth Hunter]

[yo moma is so fat]

Yo moma is so stupid she sold the car for gas money.

Yo moma is so fat she plays pool with the planets!

[Jimbuna]

While I was driving down the M1 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman on the other side with a radar gun, laying in wait.

The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and with that classic, patronising smirk, asked: "Runway too short"?

To which I replied. "I'm late for work"

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The policeman was surprised and confused. "A what"

"A rectum stretcher"

"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said "I start by inserting one finger then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can stretch and stretch and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole until it's about 6 feet"

Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously. "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give it a radar gun and park it behind a bridge..."

[antikristuseke]

Originally Posted by SUBMAN1

That is funny (I can't believe they call Budweiser beer)! Our Microbrews however will make your European beer look water however!

Try this one next time you get a chance - http://www.ratebeer.com/beer/dogfish...ute-ipa/22904/

I dare you to come back with something to compete with that!

-S

I'll have to admit 21% alcohol by volume in beer is damn impressive, here the strongest that is brewed is 12% by volume, but those beers taste ****ty. I will give this one a go when i get the chanse though, thanks for the link.

[SUBMAN1]

Originally Posted by antikristuseke

I'll have to admit 21% alcohol by volume in beer is damn impressive, here the strongest that is brewed is 12% by volume, but those beers taste ****ty. I will give this one a go when i get the chanse though, thanks for the link.

Try Aventinus Eisbock. SHould be easy to find over there. That is stronger at about 12.4% or there bouts. I like that beer, but you'll get tanked off it pretty quick. It is not a quick drinking beer though - that might taste bad if you guzzle it. It is a sipping beer. 1 per hour type thing.

-S

[Jimbuna]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asked, "What is your name?"
"My name is Bob", says the boy.
"And what is your question, Bob?"
"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you president when al gore got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "Ok where were we? Oh, that's right. Question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy raises his hand. George points him out and asked him "what is your name?"
"My name is Steve" says the boy.
"And what is your question Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of UN? Second, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama bin laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? Fifth, where is Bob?"