Jokes To Offend Everyone
 

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan



What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.



What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag




Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.




What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts



Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.



What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.



What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.



What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs



What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes



What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife



Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.



Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.




What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you



Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.



What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the *****s on the outside.



What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"



Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.



Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.



Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.



Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
blonde baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong"



What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment



What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".



How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!



What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time .." -
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he
decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting
him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his
doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is
that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was
very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck
shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to
your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your
brother a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local
symphony....He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't
p*ss in your eye"

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Some more for us who are aging gracefully! :D

-S



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember


Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'


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Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

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A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

How are men and linoleum alike?

Lay them right the first time, and you can walk all over them for the next ten years.

What does American beer and sex in a canoe have in common?

It's f'in close to water.

:lol: there are really some good ones in there :up:

HunterICX

An old man is standing at heaven gates, and Peter is asking what he did on earth during his live.
Wel, sayd the old man, I was just a poor carpenter.
Hmmm sayd Peter?
Oh , but I have a world famous son the old mand sayd enthusiastic!
Peter is staring in onbelieve at the man and shout over his shoulder Jesus, there is a old carpenter here who had a famous son while on earth.
Jesus rushes to the gate, shouting 'FATHER'.

The old man: PINOKIO!

Yes ... and some are really bad!!:yep::lol:

How do you know you've been burgled by a Chinese man?

When you wake up in the morning, your homework has been done, your computer upgraded, and he's still trying to back out of the driveway :lol:

:rotfl::rotfl:

A really old man mets an old lady in a retirement house.

They enjoyed each other´s company very much, and one day, the man proposed to the woman: well, our time to sex passed long time ago, but we can still sit together in the garden, and you can put your hand in my "flute".

The woman agreed, and they spent so many "sexy" afternoons in the garden.

But, one day, she saw her "boyfriend" with another woman, and that woman had her hand on him!!

So she confronted the man:

- So tell me, is she better than me? What she has that I don´t?

The old man smiled, and then replied:

- Parkinson...

http://userpic.livejournal.com/56546038/3991424

:rotfl::rotfl:

A survey was recently conducted into why men enjoy blow jobs so much.

- 10% said they liked the physical feeling.

- 12% said they liked the dominance.

- 78% said they liked the 20 minutes of fu*king silence.