The joke thread

[BossMark]

Justin Bieber has just vomited on stage, in the middle of a performance.
That concludes it then, she’s pregnant.

[Jimbuna]

Adele has announced that she will be singing the theme for the next James Bond film.

Diet Another Day will be released in 2014.

[Jimbuna]

I mentioned a complaint about Royal Mail on Twitter yesterday and they tweeted me today. Well, they tweeted my neighbour and he brought it round.

[Lord_magerius]

I got stopped by a cop, so I pulled out my 9 millimetre.

Once he'd stopped laughing, he arrested me for indecent exposure.

[AVGWarhawk]

Originally Posted by BossMark

Justin Bieber has just vomited on stage, in the middle of a performance.
That concludes it then, she’s pregnant.

[AVGWarhawk]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Hmmmm I could use this....

[Jimbuna]

I was wandering around a shop earlier, when an assistant asked if I needed help:

I said, "Yeah, I want to treat the wife."

"In here sir? Are you sure? This is a DIY store" he replied.

"I know that" I snapped, "it's for her wooden leg."

[mapuc]

Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.
...For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . .. Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one After another. They heard screaming,
crashing, Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet.. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

[Herr-Berbunch]

Done at least once before, or a version of.

[mapuc]

Originally Posted by Herr-Berbunch

Done at least once before, or a version of.

So sorry, I haven't read every post in this thread

[Herr-Berbunch]

Originally Posted by mapuc

So sorry, I haven't read every post in this thread

But I bet you've looked at every page of the beautiful women thread.

Or is that just me?

Twice!

[Jimbuna]

What's the quietest place in the world?

The complaints department at the parachute packing plant.

[Jimbuna]

"I don't think you're dressed appropriately for work Dave." my boss said.

"Is it the fishnets and high heels?" I asked him.

"No, they're lovely, but where's your tie?"

[BossMark]

A man was on his deathbed. With a pitiful gasp, he managed to whisper, “I have one last request, my dear.”
“Of course,” his wife replied, clutching his hand.
“Six months after I die, I would like you to marry Bob.”
“But I thought you hated Bob !”
“I do.”

[BossMark]

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”
The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters…
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand… Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place”
“That should have worked,” said the friend.
The salesman replied, “Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn’t realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left…”