The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

A blonde is out walking along a river one day when she sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
She shouts 'woohoo, how do I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up and down the river and replies 'You are on the other side'

[Jimbuna]

After a few beers I ended up sleeping with a bit of a fat bird last night. This morning she watched me putting a number into her mobile phone.
"If you fancy a repeat performance, just dial that number" I said.
"Wow" she replied "people don't normally give me their number".
"It's not mine" said I, "It's weight watchers".

[BossMark]

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're going eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

[Jimbuna]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. Newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little basteward
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES .
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog... Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED .
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

And the WINNER is...
FOR SALE BY OWNER .
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows everything!

[BossMark]

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty pounds," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock the price down to £60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to £20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to £10."

"Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!

[Jimbuna]

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan, he's
making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well...................he says prophets are going through
the roof.

[Jimbuna]

The girlfriend brought a pair of Meatloaf panties.
On the front it says 'I will do anything for love'
On the back it says 'But I won't do that!'

[BossMark]

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo Clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and Drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, But standing up..
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna Tell his Vife?”
They cut the cards.. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any Worse.
“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my Middle Name. Leave it to me.”
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer’s condo and knocks on the door.
The wife Answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is Afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.
“I’ll go tell him.” says Goldberg.*

[Jimbuna]

Batman and Catwoman were going out on a date and were sitting in the batcave.

"Oh Batty," she gushes. "You really are the greatest of all the superheroes."

"Thank you," replies Batman.

"No really," she continues, "you're brave, strong and true. You're quick-witted and fair. Everyone is scared of you."

"Please..." he replies.

"And you're so hunky!" she giggles. "You look so good in your costume and I love your pointy ears. I'm the luckiest cat alive. Now... I'm going to call us a cab and we're going to have a great evening."

She gets her mobile out of her bag, but can't switch it on.

"Oh," she says. "Can you have a look - you're so good with gadgets."

"I'm afraid," he replies, "your phone will not work because of your bat flattery".

[BossMark]

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.
Catholic: “I have a large fortune….I am going to buy Apple!”
Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy Exxon!”
Muslim: “I am a fabulously rich prince…. I intend to purchase Google!”
They then all wait for the Jew to speak….
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
“I’m not selling!!!…”

[Jimbuna]

The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."

[BossMark]

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?
Patrick addressed the class: “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”
Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”
Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year…. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves… And begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.” Then we all go to the Bahamas .”

[Jimbuna]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out £100 notes I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

[BossMark]

Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He’s late for a meeting, he’s looking for a parking place, and can’t find one.
In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: “Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I’ll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays.”
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, “Never mind, I just found one!”

[Jimbuna]

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."