The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by U570

Ryanair's safety standard

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome on board this Ryanair flight.

In the event of a sudden drop in cabin pressure, masks will drop down from above you. Please insert 5 Euros for oxygen.

[mapuc]

Following is copied from The funny FARM on Facebook

don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo
sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It
went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem. The
author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor!
Especially note the last couple of sentences.
...

To whom this may concern

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a
ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement
Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of
mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are
replaced by using the twist off method.. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive.

However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon
completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is
recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact
the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary
items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls
is an unhappy customer.

Markus

[BossMark]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, ‘Man, I wish we had something to drink!’
Jim says, ‘Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?’
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. Jim says, ‘Hey, how do you feel this morning?’
Dave says, ‘I feel great, how about you?’
Jim says, ‘I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?’
Dave says, ‘No that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.’
‘Yeah, well there’s just one thing.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Have you farted yet?’
‘No.’
‘Well, DON’T – cause I’m in New Zealand!’

[BossMark]

Originally Posted by U570

Ryanair's safety standard

A blonde calls Ryanair and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from Fez to Gerona ?’ The rep replies, ‘Just a minute.’
‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hung up.

[Jimbuna]

The girl at the RyanAir check-in desk said, "Window or aisle?"

I replied, "Window or you'll what?"

[Jimbuna]

Michael O'Leary of Ryanair goes into a Dublin pub and asks for a pint of Guinness.

"That will be one Euro, please," says the barman.

"That's a very fair price," replies O'Leary.

"Would you like a glass with that, sir?" asks the barman.

[BossMark]

A little girl asks her mum, ‘Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?’
Her mum replies ‘No, because she is on heat.’
‘What does that mean?’ asked the child.
‘Go and ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, ‘Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.’
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said ‘Ck, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.’
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash…
Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Lulu?’
he little girl said, ‘She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.’

[Jimbuna]

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.

[Jimbuna]

Upon the publication of photos which show Kate Middleton topless, The Queen was heard saying, "What the hell are you doing in the bathroom Philip? You sound like you're having an asthma attack."

[BossMark]

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

[Jimbuna]

Female suicide bomber kills 13 in bus.

She must have been driving.

[Jimbuna]

I am a bit sick of all the attention these topless photos are getting. I mean the Royal Family suing over a bit of nipple.

I think they're making mountains out of molehills.

[BossMark]

I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
“Fancy buying me a drink?” She said.
“Sure,” I replied. “If you let me choose.”
“Okay,” she grinned. “But how will you know what I want?”
“Well, it’s kind of a talent,” I smiled. “All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best.”
“Okay,” she giggled. “You can choose for me.”
So I turned to the barman and said, “Diet coke, mate.”

[Jimbuna]

I walked over to a woman trying to start a running machine in the gym last night.

I smiled and said, "Need any help?"

"Yes please," she smiled back. "I'm new here."

"I know, you're bloody huge," I replied.

[Jimbuna]

Officials at Birmingham Airport have reported a Monarch leaving skidmarks on the runway.

Sounds like the Queen is trying to take the heat off of Kate.