The joke thread

[BossMark]

A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex.
The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get back from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn’t be in for another 2 hours.
In a panic, he phoned the doctor. “What should I do?” he asked. “I’ve taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home.”
“I see” said the doctor “It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?”
“Yes”
“Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?”
The man was silent for a few seconds, then said~ ~ ~
“But I never need Viagra with the maid”

[BossMark]

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their trousers, and began lifting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their ‘john thomases’ to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ‘You must be in the 4th.’ ‘No, ma’am,’ he replied, ‘I’m in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift.’

[Jimbuna]

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "I'd love a break away"

Result! They sell them in a pack of six at my local ASDA.

[BossMark]

Little Michael was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her “Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?” She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
“It’s called sexual intercourse”, she replied.
Little Michael just said, “Oh, okay” and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,”Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy’s Mum wants to talk to you!

[Jimbuna]

I called hotel management from the hotel room and said, "Please, come quick. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she'll jump out the window of your hotel".

"That is a personal matter," answered the hotel manager.

"Screw you!" I screamed. "The window won't open so that's a maintenance matter."

[Jimbuna]

I saw a woman trying to park her car in the Tesco car park today.

After a few minutes I went over and said, "Would you like me to do that for you?"

"No thanks," she replied.

"Are you sure?" I asked, as I walked out with my shopping 45 minutes later.

[BossMark]

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot

[BossMark]

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on a Friday this year”….
Mick says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

[Jimbuna]

I got my wife a nurse's uniform to spice up our sex life.

However, she refused to wear anything that was covered in blood and crap, and insisted that I returned it to the hospital.

[Jimbuna]

Elvis, my pet mouse, has just died.

He was caught in a trap.

[Jimbuna]

I was out for the the day with my son when he asked me a question
"Dad what the hole in the top of a dolphin for "?
I replied " I can tell you what its not for and when i do you will know why i am banned from all sea life centers"

[BossMark]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”
He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck reverse piked with a double twist. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, “That was incredible!”
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No.” she said, “I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”

[Jimbuna]

My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,
John

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

[U570]

Ryanair's safety standard

[Jimbuna]

I was standing behind this big fat woman at supermarket checkout and she had a newborn baby sitting in a car seat.

"Aww, she's so cute" I gushed

"Thank you she's a real handful though" she replied proudly.

"And there you go again trying for another one" I said chuckling

"Sorry, I don't follow you" she said.

I replied "I noticed the cases of lager in your trolley"