Nazi era jokes

[Reaves]

Dr Seuss WW2 political cartoons

http://orpheus.ucsd.edu/speccoll/dspolitic/


Someone else posted this site on here awhile ago, i'd credit you but I can't remember who it was.

[Rose]

Originally Posted by waste gate

In my opinion you may post whatever you like. But this is in poor taste.
Not hate speach mind you, because I don't think that is appropriate by thought or by law

It's chill man they're pretty mellow jokes -- nothing too controversial being put on the page. If you just unwind they can be pretty funny. Now if Jews or Gypsies and others were being bashed it would be another thing, but that's not the case.

[Oberon]

Some Soviet jokes:

A flock of sheep were stopped by frontier guards at the Russo-Finnish border. "Why do you wish to leave Russia?" the guards asked them. "It's the NKVD", replied the terrified sheep. "Beria's ordered them to arrest all elephants." "But you aren't elephants!" the guards pointed out. "Try telling that to the NKVD!"

At a UN meeting in 1985, an American diplomat, surprised by the change from the old and ill Brezhnev, Andropov and Chernenko to the young and healthy Gorbachev, asks his Russian counterpart: "So what support does Gorbachev have in the Kremlin?" The Russian replies, "None, he walks unaided."

What has 40 teeth and 4 legs?
-A crocodile. What has 4 teeth and 40 legs? -The Central Committee of the Communist Party.
Brezhnev complains to Gromiko that he can't get used to summer and winter time changes.
- It's simple, replies Gromiko. Just move the hands on your clock one hour ahead in spring, and then move them one hour back in autumn.
- Well, says Breznev, that sounds really simple. Nevertheless, when I sent a telegram of my condolences to Egypt regarding Anwar Sadat's assasination last summer, it arrived one hour before his death.

A soldier keeps a mug upside down and tells the sergeant:
- I can't drink from this mug. It has no opening.
The sergeant examines the mug and says:
- You are right. And besides this, it has no bottom.

[lesrae]

A couple of 'Little Johnny' jokes, they rely a lot on the pronunciation so may not translate too well:

Little Johnny's in class and teacher asks them to tell a story about a family relative :

LJ: My grandpa was in a pillbox when an enemy soldier threw in a grenade in, he threw himself on it and saved his mates, but it blew half his arse off.

Teacher: Rectum Johnny!

LJ: Rectum? It f*cking nearly killed him miss!


Another time, teacher asks for more stories about the war and Little Johnny tells one about his great uncle:

LJ: He was a pilot and one day he got into the biggest dogfight ever, there were f*ckers above him, f*ckers below him, f*ckers in front of him and f*ckers behind him - there were f*ckers everywhere.

Teacher: For the benefit of the rest of the class I should explain that the Fokker was a very successful WWII fighter plane.

LJ: No miss, these f*ckers was messerschmitts.




Thank you very much, I'm here till Friday, try the veal.

[Camaero]

Originally Posted by lesrae

A couple of 'Little Johnny' jokes, they rely a lot on the pronunciation so may not translate too well:

Little Johnny's in class and teacher asks them to tell a story about a family relative :

LJ: My grandpa was in a pillbox when an enemy soldier threw in a grenade in, he threw himself on it and saved his mates, but it blew half his arse off.

Teacher: Rectum Johnny!

LJ: Rectum? It f*cking nearly killed him miss!


Another time, teacher asks for more stories about the war and Little Johnny tells one about his great uncle:

LJ: He was a pilot and one day he got into the biggest dogfight ever, there were f*ckers above him, f*ckers below him, f*ckers in front of him and f*ckers behind him - there were f*ckers everywhere.

Teacher: For the benefit of the rest of the class I should explain that the Fokker was a very successful WWII fighter plane.

LJ: No miss, these f*ckers was messerschmitts.




Thank you very much, I'm here till Friday, try the veal.

That last one was damn funny!

[HunterICX]

A little boy and his father are listening to the Fuhrer's speech on the radio as Germany declares war on the USA. The boy asks his father where the USA is. The father takes down a globe and runs his hand across the USA, saying "All of this area of North America, son".

The boy looks at the globe and asks "and where is the British Empire?". The father indicates Britain, Canada, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, and India on the globe.

"I see", said the boy. "And where is Russia?" The father showed him the sprawling mass of the USSR on the globe. The boy's eyebrows furrowed with concentration.

"And where is Germany?", he asks. His father points at the area of central Europe where the Reich is located. The boy looks very concerned and says "Dad, has Hitler seen this?"

[d@rk51d3]

Originally Posted by Reaves

Dr Seuss WW2 political cartoons

http://orpheus.ucsd.edu/speccoll/dspolitic/


Someone else posted this site on here awhile ago, i'd credit you but I can't remember who it was.

Mr. Harry Buttle I believe.

[Safe-Keeper]

Down South during World War II, a sergeant gets a telephone call from a woman. "I would love it," she said, "if you could bring five of your soldiers to my house for Thanksgiving dinner."
"Certainly, ma'am," replied the sergeant.
"Just make sure they aren't Jews," said the woman.
"Will do," replied the sergeant. So that Thanksgiving while the woman is baking, the doorbell rings. She opens her door and, to her horror, five black soldiers are standing in front of her.
"Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "There must have been some terrible mistake!"
"Nope," said one of the soldiers. "Sergeant Greenburg never makes mistakes!"

[Seth8530]

Wow those are some very nice ones yall got. I liked this one im particular

An international team of scientists is excavating an Egyptian pyramid. They find an unmarked mummy. The German scientists get it first, study it for a month, and publish a 73-page paper proving it's from the Middle Kingdom. The US scientists go in, do their thing for a week, then announce the mummy is from the 19th dynasty. Then the Russian team go in, come out a day later, and announce it's Amenhotep the III, 19th Dynasty, 53 years of age, ruler of Egypt for 37 years. Everyone is stunned: "How did you figure that?" The Russians smile: "Oh, he confessed."

[Safe-Keeper]

Nicked from the Bad Joke thread and rewritten to fit era.

Berlin, May 1945: A dispatcher is manning the emergency radio at a field hospital on a hot Sunday shortly after V-E Day. At 11 o'clock, he receives a phone call from a Brit whose friend has fainted. 'All right', says the dispatcher, 'first thing you do is make sure he really is unconscious'. The Englishman shakes his friend and shouts his name, and the friend responds. The Brit tends to his friend until the ambulance arrives.

At 12 o'clock, an American calls. His friend has also fainted. 'Not to worry', says the dispatcher, 'first, make sure he really is not awake'. The American smacks his buddy hard across the face, establishing that the friend is indeed partly awake. He is turned over on his side and cared for until taken to the hospital by the ambulance.

At 13 o'clock, a Soviet whose friend has fallen down calls. 'Right', says the dispatcher, 'first make sure he really is unconscious'. He then hears the loud thwack of the butt end of a rifle hitting skull. 'Done, comrade doctor', says the Russian. 'And then what?'

[Chock]

Several Air Force veterans from the various nations involved in WW2 meet up at an airshow after the war.
The American pilot strolls up to the group with a slight limp, and says to his fellow veterans: 'Yessir, I used to fly me that B-17, what a plane, that goddam thing could drop a bomb in a pickle barrel from thirty thousand feet, and she was tough too, got me home when I got this here war wound. That's why we were the best.'

The ex-Luftwaffe pilot smiles and says: 'Ya, but we also had ze wunderbar aircraft, I flew ze Messerschmitt 262, ze first ever operational jet fighter-bomber, fastest plane in ze war and armed with superb cannons, bombs and rockets. And with its twin engines, zis aircraft was safe too. Got me home when I got zis shrapnel wound in my arm and all ze instruments were shot away. Zat is why we Germans were ze best!'

Japanese pilot pipes up: 'You are wrong, honorable warrior veterans, I flew the Kawanishi HK8 flying boat, scourge of the Yankee aggressor submarines! With a huge range it could protect the Emperor's shipping, and with four engines, it too got me home to my family, safe every time, even when I had been shot up badly by the American fighter planes. This is why we have the honor of being the best!'

British pilot chips in: 'Sorry chaps, but I flew the Lancaster, biggest bombload of the lot, could bomb at night accurately with radar, and when Binky, my tail gunner got hit by a jerry nightfighter, the old crate stayed in one piece and got us all home safe and Binky was saved. That's why we were simply the best!'

Italian guy wanders over: 'Ciao beautiful veterans, you are all wrong. I flew the FIAT CR-42 Biplane fighter bomber, she was old, slow, poorly armed, but worse than that, nine times out of ten the engine wouldn't even start. That is why we were the best!'

Everyone looks at him puzzled and asks why that is so.

'Do you see any war wounds on me?' replies the Italian.

Chock

[Syxx_Killer]

This thread is really funny!

I always thought these two clips were funny. They are from a show called Robot Chicken.

[Iceman]

It seems that once upon a time Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev were all traveling together on this train from Moscow to Vladivostok when, at one point, the engines stuttered and the train came grinding to a halt.
Two hours later, nothing more had happened; the train was still stopped. Stalin got up. "I'll take care of this." He went out and had all of the engineers and train-workers shot. He came back into the compartment and sat back down. "That should take care of it."
Two more hours passed; the train has not moved. Khrushchev got up. "I'll take care of this." He went out, found a few engineers hiding in the rear of the train, and, after a while, managed to persuade them to start working on the train again. He came back into the compartment and sat down. "That should take care of it."
Ten minutes later there was this loud groaning noise from the engines; the train lurched forward and then came to a halt a few moments later.
Nothing more happened for about an hour. Then Brezhnev got up, drew the blinds, and sat down. "Now. Train is moving."

[Safe-Keeper]

It's mid '45. An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession.

--Father, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Enemy. I hid her in my attic.
--That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess.
--Its worse, Father. she started to repay me with sexual favors.
--You were both in great danger, two people together under those circumstances act that way. You are forgiven.
--Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question.
--And what is that?
--Should I have told her the war was over?

__________________________________________________ ________________________________________

Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line he comes across a man who isn't saluting.
"Why aren't you saluting like the others?" Hitler barks.
"Mein Führer, I'm the nurse," comes the answer. "I'm not crazy!"

__________________________________________________ ________________________________________

Hitler and Göring are standing on top of Berlin's radio tower. Hitler says he wants to do something to cheer up the people of Berlin. "Why don't you jump?" suggests Göring.

__________________________________________________ ________________________________________


"Two Jews are about to be shot. Suddenly the order comes to hang them instead. One says to the other "You see, they're running out of bullets."


__________________________________________________ ________________________________________


"What will you do after the war?"
"I'll finally go on a holiday and will take a trip round Greater Germany!"
"And what will you do in the afternoon?"

__________________________________________________ ________________________________________



--Greetings, Hitler, I am Quisling.
--Ach so. Und what's your name?

[HunterICX]

Originally Posted by Safe-Keeper

It's mid '45. An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession.

--Father, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Enemy. I hid her in my attic.
--That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess.
--Its worse, Father. she started to repay me with sexual favors.
--You were both in great danger, two people together under those circumstances act that way. You are forgiven.
--Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question.
--And what is that?
--Should I have told her the war was over?

__________________________________________________ ________________________________________

:rotfl: that made me change my underwear

good one