Nazi era jokes

[Reaves]

Nothing wrong with these jokes. Thanks for the laughs!

[Safe-Keeper]

Not hate speach mind you, because I don't think that is appropriate by thought or by law.

Hate Crime law in the States applies to crimes of hate, not speech.

Adjutant: "Herr general, the italians decided to start a war"
German general(thoughtfully): "Hmm... order to send 2 divisions to the italian border."
Adjutant: "No, you got me wrong, they are on our side."
General:" Damn, order to send 10 divisions to the italian border..."

Hitler walks the streets of Berlin, in disguise, to check the real attitude of the ordinary people. He approaches a bystander and asks for his opinion about his plitics. However, the bystander rejects to answer: “Well, it could be dangerous to express one’s true opinion these days.” Hitler:”Trust me, I won’t say a word.” “O.k., but don’t let my neighbors know: I think the Führer is doing a fine job.”
Hitler walks into a Berlin winestore and demands a bottle of champaigne. The wine merchant replies: ”Excuse me, due to rationing and supply shortages none is avaiable.” Hitler: “But I know you everyone sells it under the counter.” Wine merchant: “That’s a lie!” Hitler (angry): “DON’T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?” I AM THE LIBERATOR OF EUROPE!” Wine merchant (enthusiastic, to his wife): “Elfi, bring two bottles of champaigne! Mr. Churchill is here!”

:rotfl:

So once in Poland, the Gestapo once succeeded in tracking down a notorious resistance fighter. They went to his house at night and surrounded all exists at gunpoint. The raid failed when the resistance leader escaped through the entrance.

From Wikipedia, Russian Political Jokes article:

"Comrade Stalin! This man is your exact double!"
--"Shoot him!"
--"Maybe we should shave off his moustache?"
--"Good idea! Shave it off and then shoot him!"

An international team of scientists is excavating an Egyptian pyramid. They find an unmarked mummy. The German scientists get it first, study it for a month, and publish a 73-page paper proving it's from the Middle Kingdom. The US scientists go in, do their thing for a week, then announce the mummy is from the 19th dynasty. Then the Russian team go in, come out a day later, and announce it's Amenhotep the III, 19th Dynasty, 53 years of age, ruler of Egypt for 37 years. Everyone is stunned: "How did you figure that?" The Russians smile: "Oh, he confessed."

Another Moscow resident contracted laryngitis, and lost his voice, but couldn't afford medical treatment. So he went to the KGB. they assured him, "Don't worry--we will make you talk."

A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing and telling political jokes. The fourth one desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, frustrated, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party. Five minutes later, he bends over an ashtray and says with utter nonchalance: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please." In a few minutes, there's a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the conspirator finally gets to sleep. The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his neighbors had gone. "Oh, the KGB has arrested them!" she answers. "B-but... but what about me?" asks the guy in terror. "Oh, well, they decided to let you go. You made Comrade Major laugh a lot with your tea joke.":rotfl:

In Soviet Russia, a judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge. "I can't - I just gave a guy ten years for it!"

[Reaves]

Haha the tea one is great safe-keeper.

[Letum]

"Whistle while you work
Hitler was a twerp
He's half barmy
So's his army
Whistle while you work"



"Hitler has only got one ball
Goring has two but very small
Himmler has some quite similar
but Goebbles has no balls at all!"

[Reaves]

Dr Seuss WW2 political cartoons

http://orpheus.ucsd.edu/speccoll/dspolitic/


Someone else posted this site on here awhile ago, i'd credit you but I can't remember who it was.

[Oberon]

Some Soviet jokes:

A flock of sheep were stopped by frontier guards at the Russo-Finnish border. "Why do you wish to leave Russia?" the guards asked them. "It's the NKVD", replied the terrified sheep. "Beria's ordered them to arrest all elephants." "But you aren't elephants!" the guards pointed out. "Try telling that to the NKVD!"

At a UN meeting in 1985, an American diplomat, surprised by the change from the old and ill Brezhnev, Andropov and Chernenko to the young and healthy Gorbachev, asks his Russian counterpart: "So what support does Gorbachev have in the Kremlin?" The Russian replies, "None, he walks unaided."

What has 40 teeth and 4 legs?
-A crocodile. What has 4 teeth and 40 legs? -The Central Committee of the Communist Party.
Brezhnev complains to Gromiko that he can't get used to summer and winter time changes.
- It's simple, replies Gromiko. Just move the hands on your clock one hour ahead in spring, and then move them one hour back in autumn.
- Well, says Breznev, that sounds really simple. Nevertheless, when I sent a telegram of my condolences to Egypt regarding Anwar Sadat's assasination last summer, it arrived one hour before his death.

A soldier keeps a mug upside down and tells the sergeant:
- I can't drink from this mug. It has no opening.
The sergeant examines the mug and says:
- You are right. And besides this, it has no bottom.

[lesrae]

A couple of 'Little Johnny' jokes, they rely a lot on the pronunciation so may not translate too well:

Little Johnny's in class and teacher asks them to tell a story about a family relative :

LJ: My grandpa was in a pillbox when an enemy soldier threw in a grenade in, he threw himself on it and saved his mates, but it blew half his arse off.

Teacher: Rectum Johnny!

LJ: Rectum? It f*cking nearly killed him miss!


Another time, teacher asks for more stories about the war and Little Johnny tells one about his great uncle:

LJ: He was a pilot and one day he got into the biggest dogfight ever, there were f*ckers above him, f*ckers below him, f*ckers in front of him and f*ckers behind him - there were f*ckers everywhere.

Teacher: For the benefit of the rest of the class I should explain that the Fokker was a very successful WWII fighter plane.

LJ: No miss, these f*ckers was messerschmitts.




Thank you very much, I'm here till Friday, try the veal.

[d@rk51d3]

Originally Posted by Reaves

Dr Seuss WW2 political cartoons

http://orpheus.ucsd.edu/speccoll/dspolitic/


Someone else posted this site on here awhile ago, i'd credit you but I can't remember who it was.

Mr. Harry Buttle I believe.

[Safe-Keeper]

Down South during World War II, a sergeant gets a telephone call from a woman. "I would love it," she said, "if you could bring five of your soldiers to my house for Thanksgiving dinner."
"Certainly, ma'am," replied the sergeant.
"Just make sure they aren't Jews," said the woman.
"Will do," replied the sergeant. So that Thanksgiving while the woman is baking, the doorbell rings. She opens her door and, to her horror, five black soldiers are standing in front of her.
"Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "There must have been some terrible mistake!"
"Nope," said one of the soldiers. "Sergeant Greenburg never makes mistakes!"

[Seth8530]

Wow those are some very nice ones yall got. I liked this one im particular

An international team of scientists is excavating an Egyptian pyramid. They find an unmarked mummy. The German scientists get it first, study it for a month, and publish a 73-page paper proving it's from the Middle Kingdom. The US scientists go in, do their thing for a week, then announce the mummy is from the 19th dynasty. Then the Russian team go in, come out a day later, and announce it's Amenhotep the III, 19th Dynasty, 53 years of age, ruler of Egypt for 37 years. Everyone is stunned: "How did you figure that?" The Russians smile: "Oh, he confessed."