The joke thread II

[Platapus]

I met a microbiologist today


She was much larger than I expected.

[Jimbuna]

Why it is hard for a communist to tell a joke? It's not funny until everyone gets it.

[Jimbuna]

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's pretty heavy and the other's a little lighter

[Platapus]

If lightening hits an orchestra, who is most likely to be hit?


The conductor, of course

[Jimbuna]

What do diapers and politicians have in common? They both stink and need to be changed often.

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar, and it's empty - it's just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.

He hears someone whisper, "Pssst...I like your tie."
The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.

"Pssst...that color looks nice on you."

He asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but...are you speaking to me?"
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, "No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

[Jimbuna]

Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back to Austria for his Easter Break.
When he returns to California his friend says to him, "Arnie, I hear you went back home to Austria for Easter. How was it?

To which Arnie replied [in Arnie voice]: "Oh it was terrible! My father, he ruined the Easter Egg hunt, he put all of the eggs in awful places and nobody could find any eggs and quite generally we all had an awful day."

His colleague then says, "Oh Arnie that's no good at all, I'm sorry to hear! Does that mean you don't love easter anymore?"

Arnie [Very important to read in Arnie voice]: "Oh no of course not - I still love Easter, baby."

[Catfish]

^ OMG

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?"

The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

[Platapus]

PSA from my insurance company.


If camping and your tent is stolen....


You won't be covered

[Jimbuna]

An Italian businessman goes to Indonesia for a business trip. He hates Indonesian food, so he asked the concierge in his hotel, "Is there any restaurant where I can find Italian food here?" The concierge says, "You're lucky sir, a new pizza restaurant just opened and they deliver." The businessman asks for the restaurant's number, goes back to his room, and orders the pizza.

30 minutes later, the delivery person shows up with the pizza. He takes the pizza and eats it. Suddenly he's sneezing uncontrollably and shouting to the delivery person, "What did you put on this pizza?!"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put exactly what you ordered on the phone, sir. It's pepper only"

[Platapus]

My wife asked me "What starts with F and ends with K?"


I told her "no it doesn't."

[Jimbuna]

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500 dollars."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer."

The man then asks about the next parrot and learns that it costs $1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, only to be told that it costs $2,000 dollars. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I have never seen it do anything, but the other two call him boss!"

[Platapus]

What do you call a factory that makes "OK" products?


A satisfactory

[Jimbuna]

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes, and he gave me a 5% raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?" I responded, "The gas, electric, and cable company."