The joke thread II

[Platapus]

I sent my wife a text :Your the best in bed


She replied: No. You're the best in bed


I felt pretty good about that......until I realized she was just correcting my grammar.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so poor that when she goes to KFC she has to lick other peoples fingers.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so nasty that when I called her on the phone she gave me an ear infection.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat, if she wears a yellow shirt and goes on a trampoline people think she is the sun.

[Jimbuna]

What’s the difference between an actor and a politician? An actor has better script writers with more believable story-lines.

[Jimbuna]

Yo Mama is so ugly that she has to do trick or treat over the phone!

[Jimbuna]

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day in December.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat when she walks past me at a football match I miss 20 min of the game!!!!!!

[Jimbuna]

How do you seduce a fat woman? Piece of cake.

[Jimbuna]

A man and a woman begin having sex in the middle of a field. After about 10 minutes, the man gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a torch!”. The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

[Jimbuna]

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years, didn’t want to interrupt her.

[Jimbuna]

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?

[Jimbuna]

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the M25. Motorists have been asked to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals.

[Jimbuna]

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

[Jimbuna]

Twenty-six years after the Chernobyl disaster, and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.