Parenting Question; 20+ but doesn't want to leave

Jimbuna · 10-20-22, 06:52 AM

I consider myself very lucky, my lad commenced a seafaring career at age sixteen and within two years had purchased his own property.

My daughter went to university but upon graduating she married and purchased her own property.

Should either or both decide to return for any reason, the door will always be open and that is the reason the wife and I have not downsized property wise.

Shady Bill · 10-20-22, 07:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

I consider myself very lucky, my lad commenced a seafaring career at age sixteen and within two years had purchased his own property.
My daughter went to university but upon graduating she married and purchased her own property.

Should either or both decide to return for any reason, the door will always be open and that is the reason the wife and I have not downsized property wise.

You are indeed insanely lucky. But this might be due to the equal distribution of males and females in the household. As the lone wolf, I often get bullied by the females that gang up on me. I thought Mr. "pink pants" would even things out a bit. But he always sides with them.

mapuc · 10-20-22, 07:42 AM

I can say this.

It doesn't surprise me that you want them to move out while your wife feel comfortable with the current situation.

Men are more eager to cut the (forgot the word)
And
Women are more eager to keep this (forgot the word)With their children.

Men(Husband) want their offspring to learn how to live on their own.
While Women(Wife) want to keep them safe as long as possible.

(This above is something I remember from a program about Human nature-Parenthood)

Markus

Commander Wallace · 10-20-22, 08:12 AM

@ Shady Bill.

It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place. You're dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. I will assume you have spoken with your daughter and " Mr. Pink Pants " and it went no where. Probably you would have better luck talking to a house plant. I well and truly hope it gets better not only for you, but Platapus, Aktung and everyone else who is going through similar circumstances.

My own dad and various uncles were involved in the heavy construction trade. By default, I started working with them at 7-8 years old. I just did clean up then but also mixed mortar and carried bricks in brick tongs, if anyone knows what they are. Mixing mortar is a back breaking job and I do have back issues today, probably as a result of my work then. As I got older and more experienced, I did more. By today's standards, what I did then could and would be considered child abuse. We also operated car and body shops. I worked in all of them doing the dirtiest jobs no one there wanted to do.

Years later, I was at a social function with my family in attendance. My dad said to me while talking with others there, " you learned a lot working with me." In my usual flippant manner, I said, " you're right dad. I learned I never wanted anything to do with heavy construction." Everyone had a good laugh. My dad just looked at me and smiled. He said, " That's great. You have learned the the greatest lesson I was trying to teach you." He further explained that by seeing what hard work was and experiencing it first hand, I would " buckle down " in school and go to college and learn and not waste my time. Suddenly, " the light bulb came on brightly." My dad was right and I told him so. I admire both my parents more and more as time goes on.

My dad always told others that were young and upset with their living conditions at home. " If you are so smart, move out now and get a job while you still know everything. "

It's not easy being a parent. I'm sure you're doing the best you can do under the circumstances. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.....

@ Eichhörnchen.

Your situation and circumstances are completely different, with Lawrence. Considering the uphill battle you and Moira and indeed Lawrence himself has had, you and Moira have done a fantastic job. You and I have talked over the years on Lawrence and your situation.

What's even more amazing is that you and Moira raised Lawrence without the benefit of an " operating manual " to know the best way to do things with Lawrence. You and Moira had to learn everything about Autism " on the fly "

While some parents are remiss in their responsibilities or are hamstrung or have their " hands tied behind their backs, " You and Moira did exceedingly well in teaching and raising Lawrence.

Well done.

Shady Bill · 10-20-22, 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Commander Wallace

I well and truly hope it gets better not only for you, but Platapus, Aktung and everyone else who is going through similar circumstances.

We also operated car and body shops. I worked in all of them doing the dirtiest jobs no one there wanted to do.

It is nice to see I am not alone in this madness. We all love our children. But enough is enough. You can only handle them for so long and quite frankly I thought 20 years would be the number, but maybe not. I will continue to wait out the situation for now. My dad turned 89 this month and is in great shape. With any genetic luck I can wait them all out

When adult children start doing adult things with boyfriends/girlfriends, it is time to get out of the house.

I also worked in my dad's garage. I helped my uncle restore RVs, which by today's standards would equate to child labor at times, but I call it having had a "full life" as a young person. I have nieces younger than my daughter, and it is actually quite troublesome how much of their time is spent staring at their phones.

The minds of our children are being completely changed, I will go as far as using the word "altered", by social media. I have found the best way to get their attention is to shut down the internet. If I want peace I shut the router down and blame AT&T. I once had to make a pretend call to Comcast to get peace and quiet and stop Youtube from blaring at full blast. I spoke to nobody for a good 5 minutes in front of other people. It was insanely delusional, but felt very rewarding in a strange way. I kept the router off for a good 8 hours, it was wonderful. That night the lone wolf won.

Eichhörnchen · 10-20-22, 09:44 AM

@ Commander Wallace

Thank you kindly, CW - there is however more help now than there used to be: we were easily able to get him his placements in special schools throughout the years, one of which also held "Early Bird" classes for parents. But there never could be a manual to cover this issue because all autistic folks are different: as they say, when you meet one autistic person then you've met only one autistic person!

Now he's finished college and become an adult, they do provide a daytime group there called "Adult Skills" (he can go every day if he wants but I take him just on Mondays and Fridays) - they just do fun things, like plane spotting at Conings by (I'd have liked to have gone on that trip

). And because of his disability he gets this totally funded by the local authority - we couldn't afford it

mapuc · 10-20-22, 09:51 AM

Where has this...Nature of revolting against the parents gone ?

From this documentary parenthood-It was said that it's natural that young people is revolting against their parents and leave the nest.

Markus

Shady Bill · 10-20-22, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mapuc

Where has this...Nature of revolting against the parents gone ?
Markus

Very astute observation. That revolt against parents has gone. Strange isn't it?

Shady Bill · 10-20-22, 10:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eichhörnchen

@ Commander Wallace

Thank you kindly, CW - there is however more help now than there used to be: we were easily able to get him his placements in special schools throughout the years, one of which also held "Early Bird" classes for parents. But there never could be a manual to cover this issue because all autistic folks are different: as they say, when you meet one autistic person then you've met only one autistic person!

Now he's finished college and become an adult, they do provide a daytime group there called "Adult Skills" (he can go every day if he wants but I take him just on Mondays and Fridays) - they just do fun things, like plane spotting at Conings by (I'd have liked to have gone on that trip

). And because of his disability he gets this totally funded by the local authority - we couldn't afford it

I have a nephew who has Asperger syndrome. He is a bit older (24 I believe) and still lives with mom and dad but does incredibly well. He even is taking college classes. He is my favorite nephew, and I always tell him that. The kid has zero filter. He will tell you straight to your face what is wrong if he doesn't like something you do or say.

I always tell him; "max, you're the only honest one in the whole family"

He once told my mother-in-law her outfit looked terrible at a Christmas party. Before we left that night I hugged that kid so tight. It is one of my better Christmas memories I must admit. He is a lot like myself in many ways I suppose.

Eichhörnchen · 10-20-22, 10:53 AM

^ My wife Moira just had a good chuckle at this

They do tell it like it is - our boy once levelled his finger at the end of a waiter's nose and asked him, very loudly, why he "Has a woman's voice". Honest if you heard this guy on the phone you would think he was a female

Aspergers folks are more able to get by in the world of "Neurotypicals" and 'high-functioning' ones especially so. They are often fine with the everyday stuff and can be very good at concealing their 'difference' and learning when not to say something. Our lad is on a different part of the autistic spectrum and needs someone on his case to keep him on-task... he'd be happy to spend all day gaming. But he does try hard at everything he's given to do and his good nature and funny antics make him a pleasure to be around

les green01 · 10-20-22, 12:00 PM

the biggest problem with today kids is they get baby a lot,i can be sitting on the bus kids are tearing up stuff i'm like you know your parents might be working hard to get you that stuff their answer we don't care as soon has i could walk my dad had me working that was to pay him back for food,clothes and roof over my head honest parents should become Gunny with a slice of USMC old style boot camp

Shady Bill · 10-20-22, 12:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

Should either or both decide to return for any reason, the door will always be open.

I always jokingly tell my daughter I will turn her room into an opium den the minute she moves out.

But someone before made a very good point. If you look at her room it has; large screen TV, Play station 5, record player, make-up station, queen size bed, laptop with free high speed internet, music gear...there is a trombone up there that I bought her a couple of years ago when that madness entered our lives. Long story short, why would you leave all that?

My bedroom as a teenager had a desk, a lamp, books and a bed. That is about it.

10-20-22, 06:52 AM	#1
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,591 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I consider myself very lucky, my lad commenced a seafaring career at age sixteen and within two years had purchased his own property. My daughter went to university but upon graduating she married and purchased her own property. Should either or both decide to return for any reason, the door will always be open and that is the reason the wife and I have not downsized property wise. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

10-20-22, 07:42 AM	#3
mapuc CINC Pacific Fleet Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Denmark Posts: 20,541 Downloads: 37 Uploads: 0	I can say this. It doesn't surprise me that you want them to move out while your wife feel comfortable with the current situation. Men are more eager to cut the (forgot the word) And Women are more eager to keep this (forgot the word)With their children. Men(Husband) want their offspring to learn how to live on their own. While Women(Wife) want to keep them safe as long as possible. (This above is something I remember from a program about Human nature-Parenthood) Markus __________________ My little lovely female cat

10-20-22, 08:12 AM	#4
Commander Wallace Navy Seal Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Under the sea in an Octupus garden in the shade Posts: 5,304 Downloads: 366 Uploads: 0	@ Shady Bill. It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place. You're dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. I will assume you have spoken with your daughter and " Mr. Pink Pants " and it went no where. Probably you would have better luck talking to a house plant. I well and truly hope it gets better not only for you, but Platapus, Aktung and everyone else who is going through similar circumstances. My own dad and various uncles were involved in the heavy construction trade. By default, I started working with them at 7-8 years old. I just did clean up then but also mixed mortar and carried bricks in brick tongs, if anyone knows what they are. Mixing mortar is a back breaking job and I do have back issues today, probably as a result of my work then. As I got older and more experienced, I did more. By today's standards, what I did then could and would be considered child abuse. We also operated car and body shops. I worked in all of them doing the dirtiest jobs no one there wanted to do. Years later, I was at a social function with my family in attendance. My dad said to me while talking with others there, " you learned a lot working with me." In my usual flippant manner, I said, " you're right dad. I learned I never wanted anything to do with heavy construction." Everyone had a good laugh. My dad just looked at me and smiled. He said, " That's great. You have learned the the greatest lesson I was trying to teach you." He further explained that by seeing what hard work was and experiencing it first hand, I would " buckle down " in school and go to college and learn and not waste my time. Suddenly, " the light bulb came on brightly." My dad was right and I told him so. I admire both my parents more and more as time goes on. My dad always told others that were young and upset with their living conditions at home. " If you are so smart, move out now and get a job while you still know everything. " It's not easy being a parent. I'm sure you're doing the best you can do under the circumstances. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink..... @ Eichhörnchen. Your situation and circumstances are completely different, with Lawrence. Considering the uphill battle you and Moira and indeed Lawrence himself has had, you and Moira have done a fantastic job. You and I have talked over the years on Lawrence and your situation. What's even more amazing is that you and Moira raised Lawrence without the benefit of an " operating manual " to know the best way to do things with Lawrence. You and Moira had to learn everything about Autism " on the fly " While some parents are remiss in their responsibilities or are hamstrung or have their " hands tied behind their backs, " You and Moira did exceedingly well in teaching and raising Lawrence. Well done. Last edited by Commander Wallace; 10-20-22 at 08:26 AM.

10-20-22, 09:44 AM	#6
Eichhörnchen Starte das Auto Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: The Fens Posts: 17,401 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	@ Commander Wallace Thank you kindly, CW - there is however more help now than there used to be: we were easily able to get him his placements in special schools throughout the years, one of which also held "Early Bird" classes for parents. But there never could be a manual to cover this issue because all autistic folks are different: as they say, when you meet one autistic person then you've met only *one* autistic person! Now he's finished college and become an adult, they do provide a daytime group there called "Adult Skills" (he can go every day if he wants but I take him just on Mondays and Fridays) - they just do fun things, like plane spotting at Conings by (I'd have liked to have gone on that trip ). And because of his disability he gets this totally funded by the local authority - we couldn't afford it __________________

10-20-22, 09:51 AM	#7
mapuc CINC Pacific Fleet Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Denmark Posts: 20,541 Downloads: 37 Uploads: 0	Where has this...Nature of revolting against the parents gone ? From this documentary parenthood-It was said that it's natural that young people is revolting against their parents and leave the nest. Markus __________________ My little lovely female cat

10-20-22, 10:53 AM	#10
Eichhörnchen Starte das Auto Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: The Fens Posts: 17,401 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	^ My wife Moira just had a good chuckle at this They do tell it like it is - our boy once levelled his finger at the end of a waiter's nose and asked him, very loudly, why he "Has a woman's voice". Honest if you heard this guy on the phone you *would* think he was a female Aspergers folks are more able to get by in the world of "Neurotypicals" and 'high-functioning' ones especially so. They are often fine with the everyday stuff and can be very good at concealing their 'difference' and learning when not to say something. Our lad is on a different part of the autistic spectrum and needs someone on his case to keep him on-task... he'd be happy to spend all day gaming. But he does try hard at everything he's given to do and his good nature and funny antics make him a pleasure to be around __________________

10-20-22, 12:00 PM	#11
les green01 Seasoned Skipper Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Freeman Missouri Posts: 1,784 Downloads: 1405 Uploads: 0	the biggest problem with today kids is they get baby a lot,i can be sitting on the bus kids are tearing up stuff i'm like you know your parents might be working hard to get you that stuff their answer we don't care as soon has i could walk my dad had me working that was to pay him back for food,clothes and roof over my head honest parents should become Gunny with a slice of USMC old style boot camp __________________ I'll tell you what bravery really is. Bravery is just determination to do a job that you know has to be done. Audie Murphy