Parenting Question; 20+ but doesn't want to leave

[Platapus]

oh boy, this is the story of my life.


At one time or another we have each of The Frau's four "adult" kids living with us. Finally she purchased a condo so they had some place else to live. Occasionally they pay rent.



Currently we are supporting one of her 34 year old daughters, her husband and two kids and there is no end in sight.


There are three issues, as I see it



1. These days there is no shame in sponging off parents like there was in my day. I would have been so ashamed if I was living with my parents as an adult in my 20's. That shame is lacking these days.



2. Parents are not preparing their kids to be independent adults. The number one priority of any parent (any species) is to train the offspring to be able to function as independent adults. I get this from The Frau all the time "I have to take care of them" well, I guess we are screwed. If children are being supported by their parents why would they change?



3. Kids don't want to start at the bottom. The Frau and I live in a nice house and we have a nice life. What her kids don't realize is that it took us each 20 years of living poor and working ourselves up to the current standard of life. Her kids (and I assume a lot of kids) want to smoothly continue the quality of life that their parents scrimped and saved for decades to be able to afford. The fact that they may have to live a lower standard of living when they first start out is unacceptable to them.


But ultimately, it is the parent's fault. In my family, it was made very clear to me that when I turned 18 it was "time to go forth and earn thy fortune" with the emphasis on the going forth. I could not wait to get out of my parent's house. They made my life miserable. It was not until years later that I recognized the wisdom. If they had coddled me and felt guilty responsibility to provide me with everything they earned, why would I leave. By making it uncomfortable, they were encouraging me to do what I needed to do.



That I feel is what is missing these days and is certainly what was missing in The Frau's parenting.



Unfortunately, if they are already in their 20's it may be very difficult to get them to change.



You have to find a way to motivate them to move out. It is not easy and they will "hate" you for a while. But after a few years on their own, they should recognize the wisdom of Tough Love.

[mapuc]

While I played some game I came to think of what my Mom said to me while I lived at her place together with my little sister. I guess I was around 21 years old then.

Son I'm not kicking you out, 'cause I know how much you earn as student and how much it cost to have your own apartment and all the rest. I will however, if you decide to live under my roof, have monthly payment.

If I remember correctly my Mom wanted 1000 Swedish Kronor each month. this was for the room and food.

I did not protest at all-More sad I didn't think of it by myself.

Markus

[Shady Bill]

This was sobering to read. This could be me in a few years.

Originally Posted by Platapus

Unfortunately, if they are already in their 20's it may be very difficult to get them to change.

My wife is very similar. I finally convinced her last year a 19 year old girl should do her own laundry. I often tell my wife she should abandon motherhood and just start a church to our daughter. Become a nun. Our daughter can do no wrong in her eyes. Often frustrating.

Thank you for those insights, as sobering as they are.