The joke thread - Page 579

Jimbuna · 03-14-16, 06:56 AM

A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”

The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

BossMark · 03-15-16, 07:21 AM

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it "Housework."

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

7. Feel better?

Jimbuna · 03-15-16, 03:55 PM

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”

The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”

Jimbuna · 03-15-16, 03:56 PM

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick.
The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.”
The duck replies, “Put it on my bill.”

BossMark · 03-16-16, 02:39 PM

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

Jimbuna · 03-17-16, 09:49 AM

The band Kings of Leon cut short a concert after pigeons bombarded them with poop. Bass player Jared Followill couldn’t say how many birds there were. “The last thing I was going to do was look up,” he told CNN.

Catfish · 03-17-16, 10:06 AM

- Why do you fight?
- For money; don't you?
- No; I fight for honor and glory.
- Oh, I see... Everyone fights for what they don't have.

Jimbuna · 03-18-16, 08:00 AM

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

Jimbuna · 03-19-16, 10:05 AM

An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

Jimbuna · 03-20-16, 12:25 PM

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

Jimbuna · 03-21-16, 06:10 AM

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”

The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

BossMark · 03-22-16, 02:08 AM

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.

"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.

"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."

"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.

"How do you figure?" asked John.

"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down.

And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"

Jimbuna · 03-22-16, 12:08 PM

This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.

tomfon · 03-22-16, 12:29 PM

A man pays a visit to his doctor.

Man: Every night i have this dream of mice playing football...

The doctor writes a prescription on a piece of paper and passes it to him.

Doctor: Take these pills for a month.

Man: Can i start taking them from tomorrow? Tonight is the final.

BossMark · 03-23-16, 03:17 AM

A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:
— Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?
— I've had 8 drinks, officer.
— That's no excuse to let your wife drive...

03-14-16, 06:56 AM	#8671
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-15-16, 07:21 AM	#8672
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	1. Open a new file in your PC. 2. Name it "Housework." 3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN 4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN 5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?" 6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.... 7. Feel better? __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-15-16, 03:55 PM	#8673
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?” The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-15-16, 03:56 PM	#8674
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.” The duck replies, “Put it on my bill.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-16-16, 02:39 PM	#8675
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-17-16, 09:49 AM	#8676
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The band Kings of Leon cut short a concert after pigeons bombarded them with poop. Bass player Jared Followill couldn’t say how many birds there were. “The last thing I was going to do was look up,” he told CNN. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-17-16, 10:06 AM	#8677
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 17,817 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	- Why do you fight? - For money; don't you? - No; I fight for honor and glory. - Oh, I see... Everyone fights for what they don't have. __________________ >^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong.

03-18-16, 08:00 AM	#8678
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-19-16, 10:05 AM	#8679
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-20-16, 12:25 PM	#8680
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-21-16, 06:10 AM	#8681
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-22-16, 02:08 AM	#8682
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer. "What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop." "Now John, things could be worse," said Bob. "How do you figure?" asked John. "Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down. And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-22-16, 12:08 PM	#8683
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-22-16, 12:29 PM	#8684
tomfon Grey Wolf Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: CK7662 Posts: 918 Downloads: 178 Uploads: 4	A man pays a visit to his doctor. Man: Every night i have this dream of mice playing football... The doctor writes a prescription on a piece of paper and passes it to him. Doctor: Take these pills for a month. Man: Can i start taking them from tomorrow? Tonight is the final. __________________ "I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers which can't be questioned." - Richard P. Feynman [1918/1988] "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." - Michael Jordan "You don't even care. That's how much an impact the three-point shot has and it's evidenced by how everybody plays... There's no basketball anymore, there's no beauty in it. It's pretty boring. But it is what it is and you need to work with it." - Greg Popovich Mods for SH3

03-23-16, 03:17 AM	#8685
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night: — Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes? — I've had 8 drinks, officer. — That's no excuse to let your wife drive... __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now