The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

The funeral procession made its way down the road.

Six close members of the family were carrying the coffin between them. On top of the coffin was a fishing line, a net and some bait.

A passer-by remarked, "He must have been a very keen fisherman."

"Oh, he still is," came the reply. "He's off to the river as soon as they've buried his wife!!"

[Jimbuna]

A Catholic priest says to a rabbi, "It seems to me that, since the Creator made pork, He must have made it for some purpose. Therefore, it must be a sin not to use it, don't you think? So, will you finally eat some pork?"
The rabbi replies, "I will try some — at your wedding, Father"

[Jimbuna]

A Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pygmy standing over a dead lion.
"Did you kill that lion?" asks the Zulu.
"Yeah, I beat it to death with my club," the pygmy replies.
"You must have a big club," says the Zulu.
"Aye, there's about thirty of us."

[Jimbuna]

"Do you remember what day today is?" asked my wife,

"Of course!" I replied, "...Happy Valenbirthsary!

[magic452]

President Obama is getting off of Marine 1 and has (1) pig under each arm.

The Sergeant in his Marine detachment asks "Sir, what's with the pigs?"

Obama replies "These aren't pigs, they are genuine Arkansas razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary Clinton and the other for Nancy Pelosi."

The Sergeant replies "Good trade sir."

Magic

[Jimbuna]

I walked into work this morning and my boss said, "What time do you call this?"

"10:33" I replied.

"You didn't see anybody else strolling in at half past ten today, did you?"

"Of course not" I said, "I wasn't even here."

[Jimbuna]

I was at a job interview today, and towards the end of it, the interviewer asked me, "Have you any weaknesses?"

I said, "I always let myself down at interviews."

He said, "I think you are doing OK."

I said, "You would you stupid bugga!"

[Jimbuna]

A couple were in a busy shopping centre just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do"
He said " You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace.
I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you "

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up; "Yes, I do remember that shop" she replied..

"Well I’m in the pub next to that."

[Jimbuna]

My wife yelled something from the bedroom about my lack of masculinity.

"I can't hear you," I shouted back. "I'm in the kitchen."

[Jimbuna]

Louis Van Gaal and Jose Mouhrino kill each other in a high speed head on collision. As they are waiting at the pearly gates, Van Gaal says,

"I'm sorry Jose, after the Norwich game I was so mad I just had to get away from Old Trafford before I attacked a player. What were you doing anyway? "

"Nothing much, " replied Mourhino, "I was just on my way to Old Trafford for a job interview. "

[Jimbuna]

Andy Murray won the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award and gave a fittingly heartfelt speech.

"Thanks," he said with a stone cold face, before walking off the stage.

[BossMark]

Report: Europe may ban teens under 16 from social media.

Although I suspect a few may figure out how to click the "Yes, I am 16 or older" button.

[Jimbuna]

Somebody dropped off a box of Celebrations for the lads at work.

Or, if you start 2 hours later than everyone, a box of Bountys.

[Jimbuna]

I pulled my wife bleeding from the wrecked car, as she screamed and pleaded for me to let her have one more shot at parking it again.

[Jimbuna]

One afternoon, an old couple were sitting on their porch in their rocking chairs. All of a sudden, the old man reached over and slapped his wife firmly on the cheek.

She exclaims angrily, "Well! What was that for?!"

"Forty years of rotten sex!" her husband replies.

She remains silent and they start rocking once more. A few moments later, the old lady reaches over and slaps her husband.

He grumbles, "Oh well what was that for?"

She retorts, "That's for knowing the difference!"