The joke thread

[BossMark]

Radio One has banned its DJs from playing Madonna songs, saying that at 56 she is old and irrelevant.

Yeah, at the BBC they only like 'em young.

[Jimbuna]

My sister is so ugly, she couldn't get a date from a calendar.

[BossMark]

I lost a special timepiece, that my truly beloved bought me, at a party recently.
After searching for an hour, I notice that a man was stood on it whilst forcing himself upon a young woman.
I walked up to him and punched him in the face.

Nobody treats women like that, not on my watch.

[Jimbuna]

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with slogan: Coverage from cradle to grave.

Second tries to improve on that with: Coverage from womb to tomb.

Not to be outdone third comes up with: From sperm to worm.

Fourth really thought hard and almost gave up, but finally came up with:
From erection to resurrection.

[BossMark]

Have you ever wondered why mountain climbers rope themselves together?

It's to stop the sensible ones going home.

[Jimbuna]

Ironing done.
Hoovering done.
Washing done.
Dusting done.
Kids bathed.
Kids in bed.

Perfect!

Now I can leave the pub.

[Herr-Berbunch]

A Scottish woman has made it onto the shortlist for going to Mars.

She's going to be gutted when she finds out its not deep fried.

[BossMark]

After chatting up this fit blonde in the club last night, I pulled out my phone..

"Do you think I could have your number?" I asked.


"Well, maybe." She replied. "But it'd be a hell of a coincidence."

[Jimbuna]

"I'll have a Rum and Coke," I said to our new Irish barmaid.

"Is Pepsi OK?" she asked.

"Sure," I replied.

Now I'm drinking a Pepsi and Coke!!

[GoldenRivet]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

"I'll have a Rum and Coke," I said to our new Irish barmaid.

"Is Pepsi OK?" she asked.

"Sure," I replied.

Now I'm drinking a Pepsi and Coke!!

borrowing it

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by GoldenRivet

borrowing it

Then don't forget to add the expletive on the bottom line between the 'a' and 'Pepsi'

[Jimbuna]

I've just been doing the maths.

It's actually cheaper to start your own Octopus Farm than to buy retail printer ink.

[BossMark]

A man says to the priest, "Forgive me father,for I have sinned."

The priest says,"Well,what is it that you've done,my son?"

"I've killed two men." Says the man.

"Well," says the priest, "That is quite serious my son.You can't expect me to keep something this serious to myself."

The man pauses for a while and says, "Err,OK father..Make that three men."

[Jimbuna]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[BossMark]

I ordered one of those new invisible hearing aids off the internet last week.

The parcel turned up today and there was nothing in it.