The joke thread

[Eichhörnchen]

"Doctor, Doctor, people keep ignoring me..."

"NEXT!"

[donna52522]

So someone stole my debit card information and tried to buy weight loss pills with it, seriously?!

[BossMark]

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it's considered responsible.

But if you do that with your girlfriend, it's called "cheating."

[Jimbuna]

In a YouGov survey of why people who do YouGov surveys...

5% do it because they like their opinions heard.
10% do it because they believe it may influence politics.
85% do it because they want the 50 quid for completing the surveys and click on any box to get through it before they lose the will to live.

[BossMark]

A working class man had been going out with an upper class girl for over a month until one weekend he was invited over for dinner at her parents' country mansion. Trying his best not to be intimidated by the sheer size of the house, not to mention the maids and butlers, he engaged in polite pre-dinner small talk and was relieved when everyone laughed at his jokes. They then sat down for a seven-course meal, which he was determined to get through without embarrassing himself by picking up the wrong item of cutlery.
Everything was going smoothly until, about halfway through the meal, the combination of various rich foods made him need to fart. He desperately tried to hold it in, but with four more courses to go, he realised it would be impossible. So he asked to be excused to go to the bathroom and asked for directions as to how to get there. Unfortunately, the directions he received were so complicated that he couldn't follow them properly, and by then he was busting for a fart, so he decided to set off in search of the bathroom and hope for the best.
After roaming the corridors, hopelessly lost, for a couple of minutes, he could hold it in no longer. Spotting a window in the hallway, he rushed over, opened the window, stuck his arse through it and let rip a long, loud, wet fart. Hugely relieved, he then managed to find his way back to the dinner table where everyone was eating in silence.
Turning to his girlfriend, he whispered: "It's all going rather well, isn't it?"
"It was," she replied icily, "until you farted through the serving hatch!"

[Jimbuna]

Maths was always my weakest subject.

The last time I had an exam, I only managed 137 percent.

[Jimbuna]

Chinese takeway : £ 24.85 , petrol to pick it up : £ 1.22 . Getting home to find they have forgotten one of your containers , RICELESS !

[BossMark]

A pirate goes to the doctor, worried the moles on his back are cancerous

"It's ok" says the Doctor "They're benign"

"Count 'em again Doc" says the pirate. "I reckon there be at least ten"

[BossMark]

Sadly,the man who invented the raffle has passed away.

R.I.P Tom Bola.

[Eichhörnchen]

Harr-harr! Didn't he have a nasty brother named E. Bola??

[BossMark]

A few weeks after having an operation, I saw my doctor about my convalescence.
"What have you been doing?" he asked.
"Just sitting around all day, drinking tea, surfing the internet, texting my mates," I said.
He got angry and said, "I told you not to return to your job at the council offices for at least two months."

[Eichhörnchen]

While out walking I was astonished to hear a dog, tied up in a nearby garden, call to me: "Oi! Over here! Come over here!"

I raced to the fence and listened, unbelieving, as this dog went on to tell me his name and how he'd worked in a circus for many years before a soldier bought him and took him to be trained as an explosives sniffer-dog, following which he went with the Army to the Gulf and Somalia, where he helped to save many lives. He was then awarded the Queen's Gallantry Medal and retired on a generous pension.

I ran and knocked at the door of the house to be answered by a small untidy man who looked at me quizzically.

"Your dog!" I gasped: "He just SPOKE to me! I simply couldn't believe my ears" I said...

"Don't", he said :"He's a bl..dy liar!"

[BossMark]

There are two types of people in this world:

1)Morning people
2)People that want to shoot morning people

[Jimbuna]

The only thing that would get me to watch Big Brother is if Jigsaw had built the house.

[BossMark]

I was asked today if I had ever paid for sex. I replied "only emotionally".