The joke thread - Page 442

Eichhörnchen · 09-06-14, 08:01 AM

A man, newly arrived in the Gulag, stood looking dazed and confused. Another inmate came up, gently took his arm and asked: "What are you in for, friend?"

"I don't know", answered the man, "I don't understand it. I've done nothing, NOTHING, and they've given me twenty years!"

"Why that's terrible!" said the inmate,"Twenty years? TWENTY YEARS? That's just terrible: for doing nothing you're supposed to get just TEN years!"

BossMark · 09-06-14, 10:56 AM

US President Barack Obama decided to visit one of Britain's oldest and most expensive relics while he was attending the NATO summit

Mr President said " I always try to make time to see the Queen when I am here"

Jimbuna · 09-06-14, 11:49 AM

Did you hear about the nun who never bathed?

She had a nasty habit.

Eichhörnchen · 09-06-14, 01:43 PM

Q: Why do Soviet policemen go around in pairs?

A: There needs to be one who can write, and another to keep an eye on this dangerous intellectual.

BossMark · 09-07-14, 04:28 AM

"I'm having a few drinks to remember my Irish mate who died yesterday," I told the barman. "He wanted to reduce his carbon footprint, so he decided he was going to cycle to work."

"What happened?" He asked. "Did he get knocked off his bike?"

"No. He drowned." I explained. "Paddy worked on an offshore oil rig."

Jimbuna · 09-07-14, 06:01 AM

David Cameron has said that if any more illegal immigrants manage to get into Britain, he'll deport them to a foreign country. 'Preferably Scotland' he said.

BossMark · 09-07-14, 08:17 AM

When asked for their opinion of the Scottish referendum for independence from England, a remarkable 73% of the English people polled said they couldn't give a flying toss whilst 83% of the Americans thought Scotland was in Canada

Jimbuna · 09-07-14, 08:44 AM

The Scots are taking this independence thing a bit too far. They won't even come to the World Cup with us!

Sailor Steve · 09-07-14, 09:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BossMark

whilst 83% of the Americans thought Scotland was in Canada

I find that highly offensive.

Of course the truth usually is.

Eichhörnchen · 09-07-14, 11:58 AM

Maybe they're thinking of Nova Scotia?

Sailor Steve · 09-07-14, 01:32 PM

Can't you even read? That's obviously in Spain!

BossMark · 09-08-14, 12:09 AM

A girl I know posted on Facebook; "My toddler crawled under the garden fence! Lol, nails and wood will be out tomorrow!"

I replied, "I think crucifixion's a bit harsh."

Eichhörnchen · 09-08-14, 06:33 AM

A man is thrown into jail in a Wild West town. He becomes gradually aware of a strange figure in the far corner of his cell: a fellow dressed in brown paper hat, brown paper shirt and neckerchief, brown paper waistcoat, also brown paper trousers and chaps.

"Whad're you in for, Pardner?" he asks.

"Rustling"

Jimbuna · 09-08-14, 06:52 AM

Are you a lawyer?
Yes.
How much do you charge?
A hundred dollars for four questions.
Isn't that awfully expensive?
Yes. What's your fourth question?

BossMark · 09-08-14, 08:14 AM

Monday morning -"Kate and Wills announce second child."

Monday afternoon -"Pippa Middleton launches 'how to be an aunt' book.

09-06-14, 10:56 AM	#6617
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	US President Barack Obama decided to visit one of Britain's oldest and most expensive relics while he was attending the NATO summit Mr President said " I always try to make time to see the Queen when I am here" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-06-14, 11:49 AM	#6618
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Did you hear about the nun who never bathed? She had a nasty habit. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-06-14, 01:43 PM	#6619
Eichhörnchen Starte das Auto Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: The Fens Posts: 17,488 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	Another joke from the Cold War: Q: Why do Soviet policemen go around in pairs? A: There needs to be one who can write, and another to keep an eye on this dangerous intellectual.

09-07-14, 04:28 AM	#6620
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"I'm having a few drinks to remember my Irish mate who died yesterday," I told the barman. "He wanted to reduce his carbon footprint, so he decided he was going to cycle to work." "What happened?" He asked. "Did he get knocked off his bike?" "No. He drowned." I explained. "Paddy worked on an offshore oil rig." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-07-14, 06:01 AM	#6621
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	David Cameron has said that if any more illegal immigrants manage to get into Britain, he'll deport them to a foreign country. 'Preferably Scotland' he said. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-06-14, 08:01 AM	#6616
Eichhörnchen Starte das Auto Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: The Fens Posts: 17,488 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	A man, newly arrived in the Gulag, stood looking dazed and confused. Another inmate came up, gently took his arm and asked: "What are you in for, friend?" "I don't know", answered the man, "I don't understand it. I've done nothing, NOTHING, and they've given me twenty years!" "Why that's terrible!" said the inmate,"Twenty years? TWENTY YEARS? That's just terrible: for doing nothing you're supposed to get just TEN years!"

09-07-14, 08:17 AM	#6622
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	When asked for their opinion of the Scottish referendum for independence from England, a remarkable 73% of the English people polled said they couldn't give a flying toss whilst 83% of the Americans thought Scotland was in Canada __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-07-14, 08:44 AM	#6623
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The Scots are taking this independence thing a bit too far. They won't even come to the World Cup with us! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-07-14, 11:58 AM	#6625
Eichhörnchen Starte das Auto Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: The Fens Posts: 17,488 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	Maybe they're thinking of Nova Scotia?

09-07-14, 01:32 PM	#6626
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	Can't you even read? That's obviously in Spain! __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

09-08-14, 12:09 AM	#6627
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A girl I know posted on Facebook; "My toddler crawled under the garden fence! Lol, nails and wood will be out tomorrow!" I replied, "I think crucifixion's a bit harsh." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

09-08-14, 06:33 AM	#6628
Eichhörnchen Starte das Auto Join Date: Aug 2014 Location: The Fens Posts: 17,488 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	A man is thrown into jail in a Wild West town. He becomes gradually aware of a strange figure in the far corner of his cell: a fellow dressed in brown paper hat, brown paper shirt and neckerchief, brown paper waistcoat, also brown paper trousers and chaps. "Whad're you in for, Pardner?" he asks. "Rustling"

09-08-14, 06:52 AM	#6629
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,106 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Are you a lawyer? Yes. How much do you charge? A hundred dollars for four questions. Isn't that awfully expensive? Yes. What's your fourth question? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

09-08-14, 08:14 AM	#6630
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Monday morning -"Kate and Wills announce second child." Monday afternoon -"Pippa Middleton launches 'how to be an aunt' book. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now