The joke thread - Page 432

BossMark · 08-03-14, 01:44 PM

Two French tourists have sparked outrage after a video emerged of them luring a squirrel to the edge of the Grand Canyon, then booting it over the side.

I was really quite surprised to see Frenchmen standing up to a squirrel.

08-03-14, 01:47 PM

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "Should we do it??"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it."

So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out.
The friend says "Well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

08-03-14, 01:51 PM

There are 3 Spies that get captured. One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian.

Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room.
They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.
The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know.
They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.
The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk.
The Italian spy responds, "I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!"

BossMark · 08-03-14, 01:57 PM

My doctor told me my liver is ruined.
I think it's because I've been taking too much paracetamol.
Two every morning to help cure my hangover.

BossMark · 08-04-14, 03:47 AM

"No, daddy, please no, daddy, I'm begging you, please don't make me put it in my mouth and swallow again, it will make me sick like it did before."

"Come on now, sweetheart, it's not that bad, and your mum's cooking has improved a little."

Jimbuna · 08-04-14, 05:59 AM

I accidentally forgot about our daughter and left her in the supermarket earlier while shopping so I gave them a call.

"Yes we have your daughter here sir and don't worry, she's fine. She's ready and waiting for you to pick her up".

"Oh thank God, thank you" I replied. "Tell her I'll be back to do next week's shopping on Saturday.

BossMark · 08-04-14, 09:40 AM

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say:

"Hey, look, that one is shaped like an idiot!"

Jimbuna · 08-04-14, 12:03 PM

I think the old man down the road has named his dog help. He must of lost him because he was screaming his name the other day. He must of found him though I haven't heard him since.

BossMark · 08-05-14, 06:52 AM

I told my daughter never to accept a lift home from a man she doesn't know.

Six hours she's been stood at that bus stop now.

Jimbuna · 08-05-14, 07:53 AM

Failed another Job Interview today...

Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that I can effectively work as part of a team.

BossMark · 08-05-14, 09:55 AM

It was very moving to see Prince Charles laying a wreath in memory of the millions who fought during the Great War.

It was also a nice touch by him to take the trouble to wear all of their medals.

Jimbuna · 08-06-14, 05:32 AM

German court agrees to drop Bernie Ecclestone bribery charges in exchange for £60 million...

Did Bernie Ecclestone just bribe his way out of bribery charges?

08-06-14, 05:51 AM

Dad is sat at home watching TV, when his 9 year daughter comes home from school. He looks up and she is in tears. Her school blouse is ripped open and her skirt is hitched up and dishevelled. "What the **** happened?" He demands "Well" she replied in tearful sobs and almost hysterical, "I was walking home from school and I took the shortcut through the back lanes" "AND? AND?" screams Dad trying to get more info Sob Sob said the little girl "Some man dragged me into the bushes and tore at my blouse" "OMG, What happened?" asks dad sob sob cried the poor little girl "He then put his hand up my skirt" "NO!" shouts Dad "Then?" Crying through heavy sobs she replies "I cant remember, I blacked out" "WELL MAKE IT UP, MAKE IT UP!!!" shouts dad as he starts.

BossMark · 08-06-14, 06:45 AM

Bernie Ecclestone has ended his trial on a charge of bribery in a German court by making a payment of £60 million to the German government.

And they say the Germans don't have a sense of humour...

Jimbuna · 08-06-14, 07:03 AM

Wife: I am not talking to you.

Me: Okay.

Wife: Don't you want to know the reason?

Husband: No, I respect & trust your decision!

And that's when the fight started...

08-03-14, 01:44 PM	#6466
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Two French tourists have sparked outrage after a video emerged of them luring a squirrel to the edge of the Grand Canyon, then booting it over the side. I was really quite surprised to see Frenchmen standing up to a squirrel. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-03-14, 01:57 PM	#6469
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My doctor told me my liver is ruined. I think it's because I've been taking too much paracetamol. Two every morning to help cure my hangover. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-04-14, 03:47 AM	#6470
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"No, daddy, please no, daddy, I'm begging you, please don't make me put it in my mouth and swallow again, it will make me sick like it did before." "Come on now, sweetheart, it's not that bad, and your mum's cooking has improved a little." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-04-14, 05:59 AM	#6471
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I accidentally forgot about our daughter and left her in the supermarket earlier while shopping so I gave them a call. "Yes we have your daughter here sir and don't worry, she's fine. She's ready and waiting for you to pick her up". "Oh thank God, thank you" I replied. "Tell her I'll be back to do next week's shopping on Saturday. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-04-14, 09:40 AM	#6472
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say: "Hey, look, that one is shaped like an idiot!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-03-14, 01:47 PM	#6467
Nippelspanner Stowaway Posts: n/a Downloads: Uploads:	Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "Should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "Well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

08-03-14, 01:51 PM	#6468
Nippelspanner Stowaway Posts: n/a Downloads: Uploads:	There are 3 Spies that get captured. One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, "I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!"

08-04-14, 12:03 PM	#6473
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I think the old man down the road has named his dog help. He must of lost him because he was screaming his name the other day. He must of found him though I haven't heard him since. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-05-14, 06:52 AM	#6474
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I told my daughter never to accept a lift home from a man she doesn't know. Six hours she's been stood at that bus stop now. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-05-14, 07:53 AM	#6475
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Failed another Job Interview today... Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that I can effectively work as part of a team. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-05-14, 09:55 AM	#6476
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	It was very moving to see Prince Charles laying a wreath in memory of the millions who fought during the Great War. It was also a nice touch by him to take the trouble to wear all of their medals. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-06-14, 05:32 AM	#6477
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	German court agrees to drop Bernie Ecclestone bribery charges in exchange for £60 million... Did Bernie Ecclestone just bribe his way out of bribery charges? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

08-06-14, 05:51 AM	#6478
kirilll Stowaway Posts: n/a Downloads: Uploads:	Dad is sat at home watching TV, when his 9 year daughter comes home from school. He looks up and she is in tears. Her school blouse is ripped open and her skirt is hitched up and dishevelled. "What the **** happened?" He demands "Well" she replied in tearful sobs and almost hysterical, "I was walking home from school and I took the shortcut through the back lanes" "AND? AND?" screams Dad trying to get more info Sob Sob said the little girl "Some man dragged me into the bushes and tore at my blouse" "OMG, What happened?" asks dad sob sob cried the poor little girl "He then put his hand up my skirt" "NO!" shouts Dad "Then?" Crying through heavy sobs she replies "I cant remember, I blacked out" "WELL MAKE IT UP, MAKE IT UP!!!" shouts dad as he starts. Last edited by Jimbuna; 08-06-14 at 06:30 AM. Reason: Innapropriate language/terminology

08-06-14, 06:45 AM	#6479
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Bernie Ecclestone has ended his trial on a charge of bribery in a German court by making a payment of £60 million to the German government. And they say the Germans don't have a sense of humour... __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-06-14, 07:03 AM	#6480
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,124 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Wife: I am not talking to you. Me: Okay. Wife: Don't you want to know the reason? Husband: No, I respect & trust your decision! And that's when the fight started... __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!