The joke thread - Page 402

BossMark · 05-03-14, 01:07 AM

I see Saudi Arabia has a new website that allows citizens to send complaints directly to the king.

If needed, you can even submit a second complaint using your remaining hand.

Jimbuna · 05-03-14, 04:52 AM

I was rough as hell off beer this morning, so the wife had to drive me to work.

"I don't understand it." I said." I only had five pints."

"I know, Dave." She replied. "But it's hardly a balanced breakfast."

BossMark · 05-04-14, 12:51 AM

I've just bought a TV from Curry's for £700 and I was given a voucher for £10 off for every goal England score in the World Cup.

So in reality, the TV could cost me as little as £700.

Lord_magerius · 05-04-14, 01:25 AM

At the end of Crimewatch, Nick Ross says, "Do sleep well and try not to have nightmares."

How does he expect me to sleep well when he has just shown the entire nation a video of me ripping off a Post Office in Worksop?

BossMark · 05-04-14, 01:30 AM

A man and his wife are having a big argument she yells at him and tells him to get out and not come back. As he walks out the door she shouts "i hope you die a slow painful death"
He yells back at her "I thought you wanted me to leave"

magic452 · 05-04-14, 01:44 AM

THE IRISH CHRISTENING

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied: "You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine.
"However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them."
The woman thought to herself: "Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother. He's a clueless idiot."
Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor: "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," said the doctor.
The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself: "Wow, that's a really beautiful name. "I guess I was wrong about my brother, I really like Denise." Then she asked: "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replied: "Denephew.

Magic

BossMark · 05-04-14, 01:48 AM

I always bring a condom with me on a night out.

Unfortunately it's always the same one.

Jimbuna · 05-04-14, 08:40 AM

I stopped to buy a big mac at lunchtime.

I'm only 5ft 6in. I look ridiculous.

BossMark · 05-04-14, 11:26 AM

I hate it when people say to me that they don't believe that I'm deaf...

Jimbuna · 05-04-14, 11:51 AM

Your mothers so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox. We ask her what she was doing and she said, she was sending a voice-mail.

BossMark · 05-04-14, 11:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

At the end of Crimewatch, Nick Ross says, "Do sleep well and try not to have nightmares."

How does he expect me to sleep well when he has just shown the entire nation a video of me ripping off a Post Office in Worksop?

Jim about 6 posts down

Jimbuna · 05-04-14, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BossMark

Jim about 6 posts down

I think you meant 'up'

Sorted

BossMark · 05-04-14, 12:01 PM

I like the way catch-up TV warns you if the programme contains "Adult themes, strong language from the start and scenes of sexual violence."

So you'll know it's worth downloading.

BossMark · 05-05-14, 01:22 AM

I arrived back at my car just as the traffic warden stuck the ticket on the windscreen 'You disgust me, you really are the lowest of the low' I said.

'I'm just doing my job' she protested.

'Just make sure my tea's on the table when I get home you git' I replied.

Jimbuna · 05-05-14, 05:32 AM

Say what you like about the scousers, but they are indirectly responsible for one of the greatest motoring inventions of our time.

Locking wheel nuts.

05-03-14, 01:07 AM	#6016
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I see Saudi Arabia has a new website that allows citizens to send complaints directly to the king. If needed, you can even submit a second complaint using your remaining hand. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-03-14, 04:52 AM	#6017
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was rough as hell off beer this morning, so the wife had to drive me to work. "I don't understand it." I said." I only had five pints." "I know, Dave." She replied. "But it's hardly a balanced breakfast." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-04-14, 12:51 AM	#6018
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I've just bought a TV from Curry's for £700 and I was given a voucher for £10 off for every goal England score in the World Cup. So in reality, the TV could cost me as little as £700. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-04-14, 01:25 AM	#6019
Lord_magerius Seasoned Skipper Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Right by the hydrophone station Posts: 724 Downloads: 96 Uploads: 0	At the end of Crimewatch, Nick Ross says, "Do sleep well and try not to have nightmares." How does he expect me to sleep well when he has just shown the entire nation a video of me ripping off a Post Office in Worksop? __________________

05-04-14, 01:30 AM	#6020
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A man and his wife are having a big argument she yells at him and tells him to get out and not come back. As he walks out the door she shouts "i hope you die a slow painful death" He yells back at her "I thought you wanted me to leave" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-04-14, 01:44 AM	#6021
magic452 Sea Lord Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Reno Nevada USA Posts: 1,860 Downloads: 85 Uploads: 0	THE IRISH CHRISTENING Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby. The doctor replied: "You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. "However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them." The woman thought to herself: "Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother. He's a clueless idiot." Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor: "Well, what's my daughter's name?" "Denise," said the doctor. The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself: "Wow, that's a really beautiful name. "I guess I was wrong about my brother, I really like Denise." Then she asked: "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replied: "Denephew. Magic __________________ Reported lost 11 Feb. 1942 Signature by depthtok33l

05-04-14, 01:48 AM	#6022
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I always bring a condom with me on a night out. Unfortunately it's always the same one. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-04-14, 08:40 AM	#6023
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I stopped to buy a big mac at lunchtime. I'm only 5ft 6in. I look ridiculous. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

05-04-14, 11:26 AM	#6024
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I hate it when people say to me that they don't believe that I'm deaf... __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-04-14, 11:51 AM	#6025
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Your mothers so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox. We ask her what she was doing and she said, she was sending a voice-mail. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! Last edited by Jimbuna; 05-04-14 at 12:02 PM. Reason: Must check more carefully in future.

05-04-14, 12:01 PM	#6028
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I like the way catch-up TV warns you if the programme contains "Adult themes, strong language from the start and scenes of sexual violence." So you'll know it's worth downloading. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-05-14, 01:22 AM	#6029
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I arrived back at my car just as the traffic warden stuck the ticket on the windscreen 'You disgust me, you really are the lowest of the low' I said. 'I'm just doing my job' she protested. 'Just make sure my tea's on the table when I get home you git' I replied. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

05-05-14, 05:32 AM	#6030
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,203 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Say what you like about the scousers, but they are indirectly responsible for one of the greatest motoring inventions of our time. Locking wheel nuts. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!