The joke thread - Page 384

BossMark · 03-10-14, 02:16 AM

And the winner of crufts 2014 is...

Claire Balding!

Jimbuna · 03-10-14, 06:18 AM

"Hi honey, I'm home." Said the ginger.

He then also greeted the Marmite and the apricot jam.

Jimbuna · 03-10-14, 06:22 AM

They says criminals always return to the scene of a crime.

Which is why we've probably got so many Australians over here.

BossMark · 03-10-14, 11:38 AM

I walked up to the bar and said to the barman,

"A pint of lager and something suitable for my wife please."

So he pulled her a pint of bitter.

TarJak · 03-10-14, 03:43 PM

Apparently, if you put your location as Newcastle on facebook, you get a 'like' button after every word

Jimbuna · 03-10-14, 04:04 PM

In the early days of a relationship, a woman may employ many tactics to turn her man on.

Conversely, during the last days of a relationship, a woman may employ many tactics to turn on her man.

Jimbuna · 03-10-14, 04:13 PM

When I first met my girlfriend she showed me a photo of her from when she weighed a whopping fourteen stone.
I couldn't believe how fat she looked.

Now, five years later, same picture, I can't get over how thin she was.

TarJak · 03-10-14, 08:40 PM

What does a Geordie lass use for protection when having sex?

A bus shelter.

BossMark · 03-11-14, 12:49 AM

I asked my blonde girlfriend if she had ever tried lesbianism.

"I've never been interested in politics," she replied.

TarJak · 03-11-14, 03:32 AM

After reading, 50 shades of grey, my wife asked to treat her like Anastasia so I got the Bolshevik secret police to murder her family and I sold her remains to a Russian pig farmer.

TarJak · 03-11-14, 03:43 AM

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Jim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Jim says: "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Jimbuna · 03-11-14, 05:58 AM

Midwife For Sale: Will deliver.

BossMark · 03-11-14, 03:20 PM

My wife came home with book titled 'How To Be A Better Husband'

I said, "Hmm, they spelled 'wife' wrong."

Jimbuna · 03-11-14, 04:44 PM

Today, the doctor asked my wife what her favourite fruit was.

'Grapes', she replied, 'I have a lot of them'.

She ignored the part about them being fermented and in a glass.

Jimbuna · 03-12-14, 05:34 AM

Until I logged onto Facebook this morning I didn't realise so many of my friends were aviation accident investigators.

03-10-14, 02:16 AM	#5746
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	And the winner of crufts 2014 is... Claire Balding! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-10-14, 06:18 AM	#5747
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,561 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"Hi honey, I'm home." Said the ginger. He then also greeted the Marmite and the apricot jam. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-10-14, 06:22 AM	#5748
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,561 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	They says criminals always return to the scene of a crime. Which is why we've probably got so many Australians over here. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-10-14, 11:38 AM	#5749
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I walked up to the bar and said to the barman, "A pint of lager and something suitable for my wife please." So he pulled her a pint of bitter. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-10-14, 04:04 PM	#5751
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,561 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	In the early days of a relationship, a woman may employ many tactics to turn her man on. Conversely, during the last days of a relationship, a woman may employ many tactics to turn on her man. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-10-14, 03:43 PM	#5750
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	Apparently, if you put your location as Newcastle on facebook, you get a 'like' button after every word

03-10-14, 04:13 PM	#5752
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,561 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	When I first met my girlfriend she showed me a photo of her from when she weighed a whopping fourteen stone. I couldn't believe how fat she looked. Now, five years later, same picture, I can't get over how thin she was. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-10-14, 08:40 PM	#5753
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	What does a Geordie lass use for protection when having sex? A bus shelter.

03-11-14, 12:49 AM	#5754
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I asked my blonde girlfriend if she had ever tried lesbianism. "I've never been interested in politics," she replied. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-11-14, 03:32 AM	#5755
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	After reading, 50 shades of grey, my wife asked to treat her like Anastasia so I got the Bolshevik secret police to murder her family and I sold her remains to a Russian pig farmer.

03-11-14, 03:43 AM	#5756
TarJak Fleet Admiral Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 17,052 Downloads: 150 Uploads: 8	Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Jim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Jim says: "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really? Like a newborn baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

03-11-14, 05:58 AM	#5757
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,561 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Midwife For Sale: Will deliver. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-11-14, 03:20 PM	#5758
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife came home with book titled 'How To Be A Better Husband' I said, "Hmm, they spelled 'wife' wrong." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-11-14, 04:44 PM	#5759
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,561 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Today, the doctor asked my wife what her favourite fruit was. 'Grapes', she replied, 'I have a lot of them'. She ignored the part about them being fermented and in a glass. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-12-14, 05:34 AM	#5760
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,561 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Until I logged onto Facebook this morning I didn't realise so many of my friends were aviation accident investigators. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!