The joke thread

[Eisenwurst]

A bloke goes to a doctor.
"Doc, I'm really constipated please help me."
The Dr. says, "Here's some pills. Put one in your back passage every night and see me in a weeks time."
A week goes by and the bloke goes to see the Dr.
The doctor says, "how'd you get on with those pills, Did they work."
The bloke says, "they were bloody useless, firstly I don't have a back passage so I put them in the hall and for all the good they done me I may as well have stuck 'em up me ........."

[BossMark]

I blame the demise of those cute little red public toilets, that used to be on almost every street, on mobile phones.

[Jimbuna]

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," says his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

[BossMark]

To commemorate World War One in 2014:

The French - Are erecting a statue in each village

The Germans - Are lowering their flags each day

The British - Are having a season of programmes on the BBC

The Russians - Cordially invite you to World War 3 commencing in the Ukraine.

[Jimbuna]

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[BossMark]

It's that time again, film award season.

And I bet the inmates at Pollsmoor maximum security prison, Cape Town, South Africa, can't wait to find out who the Oscar goes to...

[Jimbuna]

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep working the names of English cities into everything I say.

I replied "York kidding me?"

[BossMark]

I walked into the post office and asked for six first class stamps.

"They've gone up in price again." said the lady at the window.

"Again?" I asked, "Well you know where you can stick them!"

"Of course I do." she replied. "I work at the post office."

[Jimbuna]

As I put steak, home-made chips and some coleslaw down on the table in front of my wife last night, she looked at me with a big smile.

"Dave, are you feeling okay?" she giggled. "I've got to text the girls and tell them about this!"

"Hurry up then," I said. "You're sitting in my seat."

[Herr-Berbunch]

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." - "What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest. It's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Well bugger me"

Hardy: "Well Sir, because of the MoD equality rules...

[BossMark]

The scariest thing about this world war 3 starting is that we are on the Germans side.
They've never won a world war yet.

[Jimbuna]

Justin Timberlake is due to release a previous hit to draw attention to the conflict between Russia and Ukraine. Crimea River will be available on iTunes today.

[BossMark]

I was getting in my car at the Asda car park and this sexy hot girl caught my eye, she approached me and said "You look like the kind of guy I could have an afternoon session with"

Turns out she was a personal trainer and just thought I looked a bit of a fat sod.

[Jimbuna]

I came home from the auction with a signed photo of Ronnie Corbett, while my brother bought a signed photo of Ronnie Barker.

So it was a good buy from me, and a good buy from him.

[BossMark]

Carrots may be good for your eyes.

But alcohol will double your vision.