The joke thread - Page 365

Jimbuna · 01-21-14, 06:22 AM

BBC News.
David Beckham to appear in Only Fools and Horses, he is reported saying he is looking forward to playing the intellectual genius Trigger.

swamprat69er · 01-21-14, 07:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

BBC News.
David Beckham to appear in Only Fools and Horses, he is reported saying he is looking forward to playing the intellectual genius Trigger.

BossMark · 01-21-14, 11:15 AM

The makers of the Jeremy Kyle show come have up with a plan to treble their daily viewing figures.

They are going to move it to an afternoon slot when a lot more of their audience will be out of bed.

Jimbuna · 01-21-14, 12:28 PM

Promised my parents a trip to Prague for their anniversary, but backed out when I saw how much it was. Moral of the story - Always Czech the price.

Wolferz · 01-21-14, 03:21 PM

A young couple on their honeymoon had just settled into their hotel room for the night when the groom suggested that his bride try on his pants without the aid of a belt. No matter how she tried, the pants always fell to her ankles.
She tells her new husband; " Honey, there is no way that I can wear these."
The groom replies; "Best you remember that fact woman."

The new bride removed her underwear and said; "Here, try these on."
But no matter how hard he pulled, he couldn't get them past his knees.
"Honey, I can't get into your panties" he finally exclaimed.

The bride then gave him the stink eye and said; "Best you remember that if you ever speak to me that way again!"

Jimbuna · 01-21-14, 04:55 PM

After UKIP leader Nigel Farage was assaulted earlier, there was public uproar that the bloke who did it gets what he deserves.

An MBE.

Wolferz · 01-21-14, 06:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

After UKIP leader Nigel Farage was assaulted earlier, there was public uproar that the bloke who did it gets what he deserves.

An MBE.

Quote:

Member of the Order of the British Empire MBE Minority Business Enterprise MBE Mail Boxes Etc. MBE Molecular Beam Epitaxy MBE Multistate Bar Examination MBE Management By Exception MBE Model-Based Engineering MBE Multi-Band Excitation MBE Managing Basic Education MBE Mourning Becomes Electra (trilogy of plays by Eugene O'Neill) MBE Master of Business Education MBE Master in Business Economics MBE Midwest Business Exchange MBE Multi-Byte Extension MBE Mennonite Board of Education MBE Multi-Breed Evaluation MBE Modified Booth Encoding MBE Multi-Band Emitter MBE My Bloody Efforts MBE Master in Biomedical Engineering (various universities) MBE Master of Bioscience Enterprise MBE Module-Based Event MBE Minimum Block Encoder MBE Modular Binary Exponentiation MBE Middlesboro Board of Education (Middlesboro, KY) MBE Master of Business Engineering (degree; various universities)

which MBE are you alluding too?

Herr-Berbunch · 01-21-14, 06:08 PM

Number one.

Tango589 · 01-21-14, 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wolferz

which MBE are you alluding too?

No-one likes a smart arse.

Jimbuna · 01-22-14, 08:19 AM

I was looking through the menu at a French restaurant last night when I saw the special was stuffed escargots. I said to the waiter, "What are they stuffed with?"

"Salad." He replied.

"Really?" I asked.

He said, "Yes, they ate it all."

Wolferz · 01-22-14, 09:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tango589

No-one likes a smart arse.

I do. So that makes you....
Wrong!

Tango589 · 01-22-14, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wolferz

I do. So that makes you....
Wrong!

Damn.

Tango589 · 01-22-14, 11:28 AM

Education for women

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.

Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .

Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.

Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

Introduction to Parking.

Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.

Water retention: Fact or Fat.

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

Ballet: For Women Only.

Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.

"Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" - Why Men Lie.

TV Remotes: For Men Only.

Jimbuna · 01-22-14, 12:36 PM

I went for a job interview with British Rail today and the manager said, "Can you explain why you are 2 hours late?"

I replied, "Sorry about that, but there was a leaf on my driveway."

BossMark · 01-22-14, 03:12 PM

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

01-21-14, 06:22 AM	#5461
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	BBC News. David Beckham to appear in Only Fools and Horses, he is reported saying he is looking forward to playing the intellectual genius Trigger. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-21-14, 11:15 AM	#5463
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The makers of the Jeremy Kyle show come have up with a plan to treble their daily viewing figures. They are going to move it to an afternoon slot when a lot more of their audience will be out of bed. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-21-14, 12:28 PM	#5464
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Promised my parents a trip to Prague for their anniversary, but backed out when I saw how much it was. Moral of the story - Always Czech the price. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-21-14, 03:21 PM	#5465
Wolferz Navy Seal Join Date: May 2007 Location: On a mighty quest for the Stick of Truth Posts: 5,963 Downloads: 52 Uploads: 0	A young couple on their honeymoon had just settled into their hotel room for the night when the groom suggested that his bride try on his pants without the aid of a belt. No matter how she tried, the pants always fell to her ankles. She tells her new husband; " Honey, there is no way that I can wear these." The groom replies; "Best you remember that fact woman." The new bride removed her underwear and said; "Here, try these on." But no matter how hard he pulled, he couldn't get them past his knees. "Honey, I can't get into your panties" he finally exclaimed. The bride then gave him the stink eye and said; "Best you remember that if you ever speak to me that way again!" __________________ Tomorrow never comes

01-21-14, 04:55 PM	#5466
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	After UKIP leader Nigel Farage was assaulted earlier, there was public uproar that the bloke who did it gets what he deserves. An MBE. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-21-14, 06:08 PM	#5468
Herr-Berbunch Kaiser Bill's batman Join Date: May 2010 Location: AN72 Posts: 13,203 Downloads: 76 Uploads: 0	Number one. __________________

01-22-14, 08:19 AM	#5470
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was looking through the menu at a French restaurant last night when I saw the special was stuffed escargots. I said to the waiter, "What are they stuffed with?" "Salad." He replied. "Really?" I asked. He said, "Yes, they ate it all." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-22-14, 11:28 AM	#5473
Tango589 Still crazy as ever! Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: A little south of sanity Posts: 3,378 Downloads: 180 Uploads: 1	Education for women Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits. Parties: Going Without New Outfits. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . . Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up. Introduction to Parking. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor. Water retention: Fact or Fat. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together. Ballet: For Women Only. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges. "Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" - Why Men Lie. TV Remotes: For Men Only. __________________ Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way...

01-22-14, 12:36 PM	#5474
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,168 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I went for a job interview with British Rail today and the manager said, "Can you explain why you are 2 hours late?" I replied, "Sorry about that, but there was a leaf on my driveway." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-22-14, 03:12 PM	#5475
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...." "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now