For all us married men... - Page 2

AVGWarhawk · 10-11-13, 12:55 PM

My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday.

One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "no one drag is enough"

My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

One day I came home and saw a guy jogging naked, I said "Hey buddy why are you doing that", he said "cause you came home early".

Once in a restaurant I made a toast to my wife, "To the best woman a man ever had". The waiter joined me.

-Rodney Dangerfield.

Wolferz · 10-11-13, 12:59 PM

My wife was so cold that the furnace would kick on when she spread 'em.

Platapus · 10-11-13, 01:49 PM

I was returning home from a business trip. On a whim, I asked the cab driver to take me somewhere where I could get some action.

He took me to my house.

Rodney was the best!

Platapus · 10-11-13, 01:57 PM

Your wife is a lot like your car.

You love it, it's an important part of your life. Things of beauty and importance are often referred to as her.

and on a cold morning, when you really need her, she won't turn over.

Platapus · 10-11-13, 01:59 PM

How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Platapus · 10-11-13, 02:15 PM

What is the difference between your paycheck and you dick?

You don't have to ask your wife to blow your paycheck.

Platapus · 10-11-13, 02:20 PM

A guy's idea of a perfect breakfast

You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

Platapus · 10-11-13, 02:38 PM

A few years ago I took a vacation to Hawaii and during it, my wife got pregnant.

A couple of years ago, I took a vacation to the Bahamas and once again, my wife got pregnant.

Last year, I went to Tahiti, and wouldn't you know it, my wife got pregnant again.

I think I better start taking my wife along on my vacations.

Armistead · 10-11-13, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Platapus

What is the difference between your paycheck and you dick?

You don't have to ask your wife to blow your paycheck.

After years of marriage the man dies, so his wife has him cremated and placed in a box. Finally one windy day she takes it outside, opens it and shakes the ashes out into the wind proclaiming

"there's the blow job you always wanted..."

Wolferz · 10-11-13, 05:50 PM

http://now.msn.com/groom-forgets-bri...-tell-the-tale

Let's see if this guy lives to tell the tale.

Tango589 · 10-11-13, 06:21 PM

If you want to tell who really is mans' best friend, the wife or the dog, shut them both in your car boot (trunk). Go back an hour later and see who's pleased to see you!

Platapus · 10-13-13, 07:32 AM

When a man gets married, he is thinking of

Her
the Aisle
the Alter

When a woman gets married, she is thinking

I'll
Alter
Him

A man gets married in hopes that his wife won't change, but she does
A woman gets married in hopes that her husband will change, but he doesn't.

Tango589 · 10-13-13, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Platapus

When a man gets married, he is thinking of

Her
the Aisle
the Alter

When a woman gets married, she is thinking

I'll
Alter
Him

A man gets married in hopes that his wife won't change, but she does
A woman gets married in hopes that her husband will change, but he doesn't.

Many a true word spoken in jest.

Platapus · 10-13-13, 11:48 AM

A man is incomplete until he gets married
After that, he is finished.

Platapus · 10-13-13, 12:00 PM

Grammatically, the words "being married" is considered a term.

That is also what mandatory time spent in prison is called.

Add a subject and it becomes "I am married" which, grammatically, is considered a sentence.

Which is what a judge assigns to you when society has a need to punish you for a long time.

Coincidence?

10-11-13, 12:55 PM	#16
AVGWarhawk Lucky Jack Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: In a 1954 Buick. Posts: 28,257 Downloads: 90 Uploads: 0	My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday. One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book. My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me". I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "no one drag is enough" My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat. One day I came home and saw a guy jogging naked, I said "Hey buddy why are you doing that", he said "cause you came home early". Once in a restaurant I made a toast to my wife, "To the best woman a man ever had". The waiter joined me. -Rodney Dangerfield. __________________ “You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.” ― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road

10-11-13, 12:59 PM	#17
Wolferz Navy Seal Join Date: May 2007 Location: On a mighty quest for the Stick of Truth Posts: 5,963 Downloads: 52 Uploads: 0	My wife was so cold that the furnace would kick on when she spread 'em. __________________ Tomorrow never comes

10-11-13, 01:49 PM	#18
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,369 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I was returning home from a business trip. On a whim, I asked the cab driver to take me somewhere where I could get some action. He took me to my house. Rodney was the best! __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-11-13, 01:57 PM	#19
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,369 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Your wife is a lot like your car. You love it, it's an important part of your life. Things of beauty and importance are often referred to as her. and on a cold morning, when you really need her, she won't turn over. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-11-13, 01:59 PM	#20
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,369 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-11-13, 02:15 PM	#21
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,369 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	What is the difference between your paycheck and you dick? You don't have to ask your wife to blow your paycheck. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-11-13, 02:20 PM	#22
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,369 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	A guy's idea of a perfect breakfast You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-11-13, 02:38 PM	#23
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,369 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	A few years ago I took a vacation to Hawaii and during it, my wife got pregnant. A couple of years ago, I took a vacation to the Bahamas and once again, my wife got pregnant. Last year, I went to Tahiti, and wouldn't you know it, my wife got pregnant again. I think I better start taking my wife along on my vacations. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-11-13, 05:50 PM	#25
Wolferz Navy Seal Join Date: May 2007 Location: On a mighty quest for the Stick of Truth Posts: 5,963 Downloads: 52 Uploads: 0	http://now.msn.com/groom-forgets-bri...-tell-the-tale Let's see if this guy lives to tell the tale. __________________ Tomorrow never comes

10-11-13, 06:21 PM	#26
Tango589 Still crazy as ever! Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: A little south of sanity Posts: 3,375 Downloads: 180 Uploads: 1	If you want to tell who really is mans' best friend, the wife or the dog, shut them both in your car boot (trunk). Go back an hour later and see who's pleased to see you! __________________ Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way...

10-13-13, 07:32 AM	#27
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,369 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	When a man gets married, he is thinking of Her the Aisle the Alter When a woman gets married, she is thinking I'll Alter Him A man gets married in hopes that his wife won't change, but she does A woman gets married in hopes that her husband will change, but he doesn't. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-13-13, 11:48 AM	#29
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,369 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	A man is incomplete until he gets married After that, he is finished. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-13-13, 12:00 PM	#30
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,369 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Grammatically, the words "being married" is considered a term. That is also what mandatory time spent in prison is called. Add a subject and it becomes "I am married" which, grammatically, is considered a sentence. Which is what a judge assigns to you when society has a need to punish you for a long time. Coincidence? __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.