The joke thread - Page 276

BossMark · 06-30-13, 03:14 AM

If I stole 30 grand from a bank, I would go to jail.

But if I were to borrow it, with no intention of paying it back, then I would be an overseas student.

Jimbuna · 06-30-13, 05:30 AM

Because of my wife's diet, we've had to ensure our tumble dryer is flush against the kitchen wall.

To stop the fridge hiding behind it.

BossMark · 06-30-13, 10:57 AM

I was very disappointed with what I saw today in Blackpool. I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty domestic - in front of loads of kids without a care in the world.

Suddenly, the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the Police.

Poor Copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man - but there was still a big fight and the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the Cop AND his wife!

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Then this crocodile snuck up and stole all the sausages!"

Jimbuna · 06-30-13, 11:13 AM

I drive a Reliant Robin when out kerb crawling.

That way, I only scuff one tyre.

BossMark · 06-30-13, 11:19 AM

Me and my wife were arguing over the quickest way to get from London to Glasgow. She argued it was to take the M1 and then the M6, then onto the M42, then back onto the M6.

I said it was by plane.

Jimbuna · 06-30-13, 01:48 PM

Why do people who claim that Elvis is still alive always say they saw him working in their local chip shop?

I'd be more convinced if they said they'd seen him in the queue.

Spiced_Rum · 06-30-13, 03:46 PM

I walked in today to find a suicide note left on the fridge from my wife.

It said at the end, "I can't go on any more and I'll miss you more then anything else in the world!"

She loved that fridge.

Jimbuna · 06-30-13, 03:52 PM

According to my Nike fitness app,

I drank 6 miles of beer this week.

fireftr18 · 06-30-13, 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

According to my Nike fitness app,

I drank 6 miles of beer this week.

Keep up the good work.

Jimbuna · 07-01-13, 05:51 AM

My wife asked me earlier if I still feel the same about her as when we first got together.

"Well I certainly still get that little tingle in my stomach every time I see you" I said.

"You mean butterflies?" She giggled.

"No" I replied. "Disappointment."

BossMark · 07-01-13, 06:52 AM

So Ian Brady wants the right to be able to kill himself.

Why don't the prison services tell him there is a gun buried in the jail somewhere, but don't tell him where it is?

Jimbuna · 07-01-13, 09:32 AM

Time is a great healer.... unless you're stood under Big Ben when it collapses!

Herr-Berbunch · 07-01-13, 10:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BossMark

I was very disappointed with what I saw today in Blackpool. I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty domestic - in front of loads of kids without a care in the world.

Suddenly, the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the Police.

Poor Copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man - but there was still a big fight and the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the Cop AND his wife!

.
<snip>.
.
Then this crocodile snuck up and stole all the sausages!"

Nice one, Mark. That's the way to do it.

BossMark · 07-01-13, 10:59 AM

Whenever the kids ask me for permission to go out:

I just tell them "Ask your Mum."

It's fun working in the orphanage.

Herr-Berbunch · 07-01-13, 11:03 AM

I've just seen the following classified ad -

Premature ejaculator seeks beautiful girl with big firm . . . Nevermind!

06-30-13, 03:14 AM	#4126
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	If I stole 30 grand from a bank, I would go to jail. But if I were to borrow it, with no intention of paying it back, then I would be an overseas student. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-30-13, 05:30 AM	#4127
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,145 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Because of my wife's diet, we've had to ensure our tumble dryer is flush against the kitchen wall. To stop the fridge hiding behind it. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-30-13, 10:57 AM	#4128
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was very disappointed with what I saw today in Blackpool. I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty domestic - in front of loads of kids without a care in the world. Suddenly, the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the Police. Poor Copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man - but there was still a big fight and the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the Cop AND his wife! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Then this crocodile snuck up and stole all the sausages!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-30-13, 11:13 AM	#4129
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,145 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I drive a Reliant Robin when out kerb crawling. That way, I only scuff one tyre. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-30-13, 11:19 AM	#4130
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Me and my wife were arguing over the quickest way to get from London to Glasgow. She argued it was to take the M1 and then the M6, then onto the M42, then back onto the M6. I said it was by plane. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-30-13, 01:48 PM	#4131
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,145 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Why do people who claim that Elvis is still alive always say they saw him working in their local chip shop? I'd be more convinced if they said they'd seen him in the queue. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-30-13, 03:46 PM	#4132
Spiced_Rum Ace of the Deep Join Date: May 2013 Location: Enjoying a run ashore Posts: 1,129 Downloads: 69 Uploads: 0	I walked in today to find a suicide note left on the fridge from my wife. It said at the end, "I can't go on any more and I'll miss you more then anything else in the world!" She loved that fridge. __________________ Spiced_Rum "The only rocks I want to see are in my glass, and covered with lashings of Spicey and Coke"

06-30-13, 03:52 PM	#4133
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,145 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	According to my Nike fitness app, I drank 6 miles of beer this week. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-01-13, 05:51 AM	#4135
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,145 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife asked me earlier if I still feel the same about her as when we first got together. "Well I certainly still get that little tingle in my stomach every time I see you" I said. "You mean butterflies?" She giggled. "No" I replied. "Disappointment." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-01-13, 06:52 AM	#4136
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	So Ian Brady wants the right to be able to kill himself. Why don't the prison services tell him there is a gun buried in the jail somewhere, but don't tell him where it is? __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-01-13, 09:32 AM	#4137
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,145 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Time is a great healer.... unless you're stood under Big Ben when it collapses! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

07-01-13, 10:59 AM	#4139
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Whenever the kids ask me for permission to go out: I just tell them "Ask your Mum." It's fun working in the orphanage. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

07-01-13, 11:03 AM	#4140
Herr-Berbunch Kaiser Bill's batman Join Date: May 2010 Location: AN72 Posts: 13,203 Downloads: 76 Uploads: 0	I've just seen the following classified ad - Premature ejaculator seeks beautiful girl with big firm . . . Nevermind! __________________