The joke thread

[BossMark]

Have you heard about Bayern Munich's new commemorative Champion's League lager?

Brewed in Munich, bottled in Wembley.

[Jimbuna]

My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..

"I know" was probably not the right answer.

[BossMark]

Ever since we changed phone companies I am having terrible difficulty trying to convince my wife that 'Talk Talk' Is not an instruction.

[Jimbuna]

I hate when I'm in a hurry at the bank and I get a really chatty cashier.

"What kind of a gun is that?" "Where did you get it?" "Does it come in different colours?"

[BossMark]

I've bought a fancy new drawbridge for my castle.

It's got a remoat control.

[Jimbuna]

I used to be poor...


Then I bought a Thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.

[BossMark]

What's the First Rule of Alzheimers Club again?

[Jimbuna]

A major sinus operation I've been waiting to have, has been scheduled for the day before a month long drinking holiday to Australia with my friends.
It's taken six months to get the surgery so I can't cancel it, but unfortunately the procedure means I won't be able to taste the beer.


Mind you it's Fosters, so neither will my mates.

[BossMark]

Watching the telly earlier My Dad said, 'It's about time they gave judges back their bloody hanging powers. See what things have come to in this country nowadays?'

We're not letting him watch Britain's Got Talent next week.

[Jimbuna]

I'm not saying my little old grandad is unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.

Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack ever.

[BossMark]

"I can't believe they show this rubbish on TV, just because it is a cup final. It's not real football, the players are sub-standard and nobody is really interested."

"That's very sexist" said my wife, "Women's football has come a long way in recent years, it is now professional and has a strong domestic league and international competitions."

"Who's talking about Women's football, I mean the Scottish Cup"

[Jimbuna]

My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight.

I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.

[BossMark]

My mate said, "How's your headache, Mark?"

I said, "Hopefully, she'll get run over on her way back from Asda."

[Jimbuna]

My mate Jim says i'm schizophrenic, which is weird because I don't have a mate called Jim.

[BossMark]

My son said, "Dad, why did you call me Mark Spencer?"

I said, "Well, me and your mother went shopping one day and one thing led to another."

He said, "So I was conceived in M&S?"

I said, "Not exactly. There was an unattended pram outside."