The joke thread - Page 235

AVGWarhawk · 03-06-13, 01:33 PM

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

BossMark · 03-06-13, 01:55 PM

I see Findus are sponsoring the jump at Becher's Brook at the Grand National next month...

Jimbuna · 03-06-13, 05:21 PM

I've been invited to a party, but it sounds like they're expecting trouble.

They advised me to bring a bottle.

BossMark · 03-07-13, 02:19 AM

In honour of the passing of Hugo Chavez, I have had his initials inscribed onto my bathroom taps.

Sailor Steve · 03-07-13, 10:29 AM

@ AVG: A cut above the usual.

Jimbuna · 03-07-13, 12:48 PM

I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses.

I just spent an hour wondering what the heck he was protecting his eyes from.

Platapus · 03-07-13, 12:51 PM

Wow, I am surprised that someone other than Bossmark and Jimbuna actually posted in this thread.

Jimbuna · 03-07-13, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Platapus

Wow, I am surprised that someone other than Bossmark and Jimbuna actually posted in this thread.

Well I'm truly amazed

fireftr18 · 03-07-13, 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Platapus

Wow, I am surprised that someone other than Bossmark and Jimbuna actually posted in this thread.

I never payed close enough attention to notice. I just read and enjoy.

Jimbuna · 03-07-13, 05:00 PM

Yeeeeeehah

BossMark · 03-08-13, 02:14 PM

"Justin Bieber lashed out at a photographer as he lost his temper in the latest drama of his UK tour"

The photographer is now recovering from a burst bladder after pissing himself laughing.

Jimbuna · 03-08-13, 03:06 PM

Brian from accounts passed me this morning as I was going to work, he must have been doing at least 100mph.

Mind you, he did jump from the thirty-second floor.

BossMark · 03-08-13, 03:13 PM

Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?

Applicant: Hmm.. probably having sex with my boss's wife.

Interviewer: Excuse me?!

Applicant: Na, I'm only kidding. Definitely making jokes at inappropriate times.

Jimbuna · 03-08-13, 03:37 PM

I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000

So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000."

Jimbuna · 03-09-13, 08:42 AM

Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?

Applicant: Hmm.. probably having sex with my boss's wife.

Interviewer: Excuse me?!

Applicant: Na, I'm only kidding. Definitely making jokes at inappropriate times.

03-06-13, 01:33 PM	#3511
AVGWarhawk Lucky Jack Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: In a 1954 Buick. Posts: 28,305 Downloads: 90 Uploads: 0	As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing. __________________ “You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.” ― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road

03-06-13, 01:55 PM	#3512
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I see Findus are sponsoring the jump at Becher's Brook at the Grand National next month... __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-06-13, 05:21 PM	#3513
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,561 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I've been invited to a party, but it sounds like they're expecting trouble. They advised me to bring a bottle. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-07-13, 02:19 AM	#3514
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	In honour of the passing of Hugo Chavez, I have had his initials inscribed onto my bathroom taps. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-07-13, 10:29 AM	#3515
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	@ AVG: A cut above the usual. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

03-07-13, 12:48 PM	#3516
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,561 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses. I just spent an hour wondering what the heck he was protecting his eyes from. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-07-13, 12:51 PM	#3517
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 19,447 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Wow, I am surprised that someone other than Bossmark and Jimbuna actually posted in this thread. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

03-07-13, 05:00 PM	#3520
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,561 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Yeeeeeehah __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-08-13, 02:14 PM	#3521
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"Justin Bieber lashed out at a photographer as he lost his temper in the latest drama of his UK tour" The photographer is now recovering from a burst bladder after pissing himself laughing. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-08-13, 03:06 PM	#3522
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,561 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Brian from accounts passed me this morning as I was going to work, he must have been doing at least 100mph. Mind you, he did jump from the thirty-second floor. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-08-13, 03:13 PM	#3523
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness? Applicant: Hmm.. probably having sex with my boss's wife. Interviewer: Excuse me?! Applicant: Na, I'm only kidding. Definitely making jokes at inappropriate times. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-08-13, 03:37 PM	#3524
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,561 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! £35,000 - £40,000 So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

03-09-13, 08:42 AM	#3525
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,561 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness? Applicant: Hmm.. probably having sex with my boss's wife. Interviewer: Excuse me?! Applicant: Na, I'm only kidding. Definitely making jokes at inappropriate times. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!