The joke thread - Page 207

BossMark · 01-12-13, 01:55 AM

I came home from the pub, went upstairs and said to my wife, "I'm sleeping in the spare room tonight love."

"That's thoughtful of you," she said, "you're pissed and don't want to disturb me?"

"No, I've brought a woman back with me."

Jimbuna · 01-12-13, 11:13 AM

I just passed a man who has parked his car in a ditch by the side of the road.

Don't know how he can sleep with that horn blaring though?

BossMark · 01-12-13, 11:18 AM

I went on an awful date at the weekend. The conversation was forced, we had nothing in common, and I definitely didn't find her attractive in the slightest.

Thank god my wedding anniversary meal is only once a year.

Jimbuna · 01-12-13, 12:45 PM

As we sat snuggling on the couch, my wife asked, "Honey, what would you say is my greatest fault?"

"Well", I replied, "you don't react well to criticism."

"Screw you!", she screamed, as she kicked our baby in the head and set fire to the curtains.

BossMark · 01-12-13, 01:25 PM

I saw my mate in the pub with a gorgeous blonde. When she went to the toilet I went over to congratulate him.

"Nice one!" I said, "A marked improvement on that moose I saw you in town with last week."

"Are you drunk Mark?" He asked.

"I've had a few," I replied, "but I wouldn't say I was drunk."

"Really?" He asked. "It's the same bloody girl."

Jimbuna · 01-12-13, 02:12 PM

My first day in prison and two big guys said they're going to come by my cell later tonight and knock my back doors in.

What nice chaps going to all that trouble, helping me escape.

BossMark · 01-12-13, 03:00 PM

"I don't believe that you cheated on me!" screamed my wife.

"Really?" I said, "But you saw it with your own eyes."

Jimbuna · 01-12-13, 04:40 PM

I was told I looked hot today when I went to Starbucks.

It was a complimentary coffee.

BossMark · 01-13-13, 02:32 AM

The French reaction at yesterdays failed attempt to rescue a hostage from Somalia which resulted in the deaths of several French commandos and the hostage has been surprisingly upbeat.
Apparently this is the most successful French military operation since Marshal Petain wagged his finger at a German tank driver for parking too close to his Citroen.

Jimbuna · 01-13-13, 07:36 AM

If Mike Tyson really goes ahead with this sex change operation he will have to change his nickname to Ironing Mike Tyson.

BossMark · 01-13-13, 07:51 AM

BREAKING NEWS :

Howard Webb will not participate in today's game at Old Trafford.

He suffered a groin injury last night in Man Utd's training..

Jimbuna · 01-13-13, 09:12 AM

Nice finish from v.Persie.
Oh well thats my Howard Webb first goalscorer bet out.

BossMark · 01-13-13, 09:25 AM

After scoring two own goals and missing a penalty, Jon Walters' day has just got even worse.

Aston Villa want to sign him.

Jimbuna · 01-13-13, 05:35 PM

My mate's going on Embarrassing Bodies tomorrow.

He's got a huge Aston Villa tattoo on his back.

BossMark · 01-14-13, 02:51 AM

I was chatting up this really fit bird at the pub after buying her several drinks when she looks at me and says, "Please, you're not even close to being on my level."

"That's just great." I thought to myself, "She even plays video games!"

01-12-13, 01:55 AM	#3091
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I came home from the pub, went upstairs and said to my wife, "I'm sleeping in the spare room tonight love." "That's thoughtful of you," she said, "you're pissed and don't want to disturb me?" "No, I've brought a woman back with me." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-12-13, 11:13 AM	#3092
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,548 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I just passed a man who has parked his car in a ditch by the side of the road. Don't know how he can sleep with that horn blaring though? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-12-13, 11:18 AM	#3093
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I went on an awful date at the weekend. The conversation was forced, we had nothing in common, and I definitely didn't find her attractive in the slightest. Thank god my wedding anniversary meal is only once a year. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-12-13, 12:45 PM	#3094
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,548 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	As we sat snuggling on the couch, my wife asked, "Honey, what would you say is my greatest fault?" "Well", I replied, "you don't react well to criticism." "Screw you!", she screamed, as she kicked our baby in the head and set fire to the curtains. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-12-13, 01:25 PM	#3095
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I saw my mate in the pub with a gorgeous blonde. When she went to the toilet I went over to congratulate him. "Nice one!" I said, "A marked improvement on that moose I saw you in town with last week." "Are you drunk Mark?" He asked. "I've had a few," I replied, "but I wouldn't say I was drunk." "Really?" He asked. "It's the same bloody girl." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-12-13, 02:12 PM	#3096
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,548 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My first day in prison and two big guys said they're going to come by my cell later tonight and knock my back doors in. What nice chaps going to all that trouble, helping me escape. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-12-13, 03:00 PM	#3097
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"I don't believe that you cheated on me!" screamed my wife. "Really?" I said, "But you saw it with your own eyes." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-12-13, 04:40 PM	#3098
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,548 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was told I looked hot today when I went to Starbucks. It was a complimentary coffee. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-13-13, 02:32 AM	#3099
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The French reaction at yesterdays failed attempt to rescue a hostage from Somalia which resulted in the deaths of several French commandos and the hostage has been surprisingly upbeat. Apparently this is the most successful French military operation since Marshal Petain wagged his finger at a German tank driver for parking too close to his Citroen. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-13-13, 07:36 AM	#3100
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,548 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	If Mike Tyson really goes ahead with this sex change operation he will have to change his nickname to Ironing Mike Tyson. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-13-13, 07:51 AM	#3101
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	BREAKING NEWS : Howard Webb will not participate in today's game at Old Trafford. He suffered a groin injury last night in Man Utd's training.. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-13-13, 09:12 AM	#3102
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,548 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Nice finish from v.Persie. Oh well thats my Howard Webb first goalscorer bet out. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-13-13, 09:25 AM	#3103
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	After scoring two own goals and missing a penalty, Jon Walters' day has just got even worse. Aston Villa want to sign him. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

01-13-13, 05:35 PM	#3104
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 191,548 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My mate's going on Embarrassing Bodies tomorrow. He's got a huge Aston Villa tattoo on his back. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-14-13, 02:51 AM	#3105
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was chatting up this really fit bird at the pub after buying her several drinks when she looks at me and says, "Please, you're not even close to being on my level." "That's just great." I thought to myself, "She even plays video games!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now