Like one big, happy family: A Subsim CK2 Dynasty AAR

[Hottentot]

If it's settled, I can upload the save to some place and send a link to Oberon, so you can already start playing while I'm still updating.

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Oh God...emo-lad is approaching my county from the South and fishmen from the North. They are here soon! Why isn't anyone doing anything?! Why are they here anyway?! Why are they all heading to my lands?!



It must be a conspiracy!!



I have found the ringleader! I heard him talking to his beard last night when he thought I wasn't watching! It must contain miniature devil spawns that are trying to replace us! And he is a gardener too! He is growing them in his evil garden! Servant of the fish gods! The fishes are out there to get me! Have you seen how they look at me from my plate?!



Quick! Throw him in the dungeon before he poisons the well with his secret botanical serum and brainwashes us all to grow beards like that!



Oh noes! It's too late! He already lured my poor innocent wife into some of his nonsense!



A good tumbling should give her something else to think about. Poor woman.



Hmm...I'm no expert on brat biology, but this one seems to be missing something very vital.

Gasp! The poor thing! The little devil spawns must have crawled in my wife's womb while she was sleeping and bitten my poor innocent child! God, give me strenght to find the servants of these evil little invaders and send them to where they belong!



Huzaa! My relentless efforts against the servants of the fish gods have been successful! The fishmen packed their dragon boats and left back to the Odinland!



Not that my peasants helped. Someone has planted in their thick skulls an idea that I'm not treating them well and they don't want to fight for me.



It's the fault of the lice ridden beard man in my dungeon! He is sending telepathic waves with his hat! I think we should bash his skull a little bit to make it more difficult for him!



While guards are busy reshaping the evil conspirator's cranium, I concentrate on politics and call dips on this heiress of three counties on the South coast.



Stupid guards! They were in league with the fishmen and didn't do proper job! The telepathic waves are continuing, I know it from my headache. It's time I finish this for good! It's time to send the conspiring beard man to his masters in Hell.

Hmm, I'd better not write a return address to his box, so the Swedes won't send him back here...



As the little mumbling box floats further and further away and finally disappears behind the horizon, I still feel the headache. The telepathic waves are continuing. And this time they are coming from the West! Of course! The Welsh! It's the Welsh who are conspiring to prevent me from achieving my divinely inspired glory! How didn't I think of this sooner?



Since beardy happened to be rich and we couldn't fit all his possessions into the box, I now happen to have lots of money. I decide to use it to hire bunch of lads from the local tavern and together we leave on happy adventure in Wales.



Wtremblew wunwashedw wpretenderw! Wyourw wdaysw warew wnumberedw!



The cowardly Welsh count sent his men to fight me, but it turns out 200 men weren't enough to stop 1,700 Saxon tourists. So I tried meeting him in his castle, but he just closed the door and claimed he wasn't home. I suppose we'll have to kick it in to see if there is any truth in that.



Sieging is boring. Good thing I took with me something to kill the spare time with.



Hey, what do you know, he was home after all. Well, indeed: was. It's my home now. But I order the local carpenter to make him a new one. I think he would appreciate similar to that we gave to the beardy.



Meanwhile I'm informed that my poor, maimed child is not eager to do things. Well what wonder is that when it's missing the vital part to do anything interesting? It can't be because of me, because I'm not like that at all. Unfortunately the first five servants bringing these news just didn't get it.



Whaaaat?! Another one of those! It's worse than I thought! The little devils with their razor sharp claws have permanently infected my wife!

[Oberon]

Roger. The conspiracies begin here!

[Hottentot]

Boom! Save file sent, so time to wrap this up with one Sunday super update.

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There is no alternative. Sometimes you just can't make an omelette without killing everyone.



Despite of my best efforts to convince my court of her being stained, no one seemed to take me seriously. This can mean...only that...oh no...

THEY ARE ALL IN LEAGUE WITH THE FISHMEN!!



AAAAAAAAHH!! I'M GOING TO HIDE UNDER THE BED FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!



No! Pause! It's not that! Now I know what it is! The reason is my new Welsh county! It's full of Welsh people! Can you imagine?! Where did they come from?! Do they breed under rocks are they born from the swamp gas? No matter!



They can't conspire against me if I throw them all in dungeon!



Better leave no one free, just in case.



My court and my vassals are all in league against me! I must do something! I will spend the money I confisticated from them to hire bunch of random people from the street to take their places!



Argh! They still exist! This one still has a county too! It's mine! Mine, I say! He took it from me when I was sleeping! He bewitched me to sleep walk and sign a parchment of lamb skin with my own blood, the devil! I will get him!



Time to get my drinking buddies together again! Huzaa!



Maaaan, sieging is boring...



But it's worth it! Another Welshman changes his career from a count to the captain of a little wooden box.



Ha! Haha! Hahahahahahahahahahaaaaa! It worked! The devils have left!! I won!! Glory be to God who has granted me victory in the battle against my invisible enemies!



Wales is quickly becoming my personal little playground, but there is still lots of work to do. I will not rest before every little devil growing fishman is gone for good and can no longer shave my head while I'm sleeping!



While my glory grows, all sorts of lunatics start coming to my doorstep. Like this one guy covered in knitted wool armor said I should join him in his search for the Holy Grail. I told him I already got one and had the guards kick him out.



Then there is the ambassador of Elfland. Elfland! I do not know where such state is, but clearly it must be hostile to us and therefore its ambassador is an assassin hired to kill me! Guards!



My son is already six years old. He needs a tutor, a mentor, someone to teach him what is right and what is wrong. Clearly I'm the only suitable person, seeing that everyone else is already under the spell of the little red men.



Under the spell or not, they can still pay taxes. Therefore I decide to build them a village directly under my vigilant eyes, so that they won't sacrifice even the smallest part of their harvest to the devilish little bugs living in their tummies.



Bah, how can I rip off the peasants when my stupid brats are bothering me all the time? What do I care about this disabled one is beating up other kids?! At least it's showing some manhood!



Then there is this another one, who thinks religion, history, maths and all that sort of stuff is boring.

Well, I happen to agree. Look at me: I can't do that fancy "spilling" stuff either, and yet I'm a count and those good for nothing monks are rotting in my dungeon.



[Cough] I think all this stress is causing me to [wheeze] have a little cold. It's just a [cough] little flu, nothing to worry about.

[Hottentot]

And it won't [ugh] stop me from [cough] making my baby machine to pay for her upkeep. Hehe [wheeze] hee...



Stupid peasants won't leave me alone either. So they have too many pigs? Well, I just happened to eat my last piece of ham, so...



On the international front, some towel wearing people have declared war for...Anatolia? No matter how hard I tried, I can't find such place on the map of England. Therefore I decide to imprison the messenger for conspiring to mislead me with fairy tales!



It's all one big plot, I'm telling you! Now the fishmen are getting bold and practising their sick ways openly! Do something! Burn them!



And my stupid heir came again to tell me I don't know how to rule my county. Well, maybe he is right. He can think about that while I show him how well I know all the different ways you can use the birch for.



First my son turns on me and now my wife has prevented me from beating a rebellious stablemaster to death! I only got to hit him twice before she spoiled all the fun! They must be in bed together! Why would she otherwise bother?!



A messenger tells me that Harold finally kicked the bucket in battle against the emo-lad. His last word apparently were: "Ha! Missed me!"



His heir doesn't know how to grow a proper moustache either...



Nor does he know how to pick his battles any better than Harold...



Oh well, while he is busy dying in battle, I decide to send the king of Sweden another gift.



And with the money I got from that Welsh conspirator, I declare myself Duke Waltheof. The former duke isn't amused and waves his toy sword at me.



[Cough] Bloody flu won't leave me alone. Nor does [wheeze] the brat! Such horrible manners the little devil [cough] has. Where has he learned that violence is a good solution? I'll have to beat some sense to him.



Stupid peasants have been plotting behind my back too! With my son, I'm sure! I got a letter from them saying: "We don't know who you are, but we know you are cruel, short and snub-nosed, and therefore we don't want you as our count anymore. Nyah nyah!"

Snub-nosed? SNUB-NOSED?! Why didn't anyone tell me?! People have been laughing behind my back all this time! That's what the strange looks were! Quick! Guards! Execute my head dressing servant! No, in fact, execute yourselves! EXECUTE EVERYONE!



A thief! My good servant is a thief! Execute him too!



Innocent? There is no innocence! Only varying degrees of guilt! Better execute him just to be sure!



And then what is this? Some stupid peasants are burning my counties while I'm still busy finding out the vital [cough] truth about the shape of my nose! Why didn't anyone tell me they were being serious?! Are you all trying to overthrow me together?!



My drinking buddies at least are still loyal to me! Money always makes people loyal.



While we are together chasing peasants, we decide to pay a visit to the former duke's castle too to see if the heart of darkness is located in there.



Turns out it wasn't, but at least I got another county to rip off. Now if that good for nothing king would come and drive that army away, I can't be bothered to do it myself.

[Hottentot]

This nonsense again? Look, brat [cough] bloody flu [urgh] equality [cough] is good as long as [wheeze] you stay more equal than the others.

To demonstrate, I show him that our fists are not of equal size and my equality trumps his, so I'm right.



Cynical? Lies! That can't be possible!



I have felt lonely lately [cough]. It must be the flu getting [ugh] worse. And after all I have [wheeze] done to those ungrateful...who are...still...[cough]...left...



What?! Another plot! That's it! Guards, prepare the tort...

Wait? He is asking me to partake in killing someone? Weeeeell...



Waltheof W. Wily, Super genius...



After a polite letter to my co-conspirator, I have been given enough gold to buy all the manure in the world. Also, I have no idea how it came to this...



BOOOOOM!!



Apparently the [cough] nobles of England are now very divided on if my little prank was a hilarious example of our special sense of humor or a stupid example of continental influences on our fine amusement traditions. The whole country has turned into a giant civil war's playground. Eeeexcellent.



[Cough wheeze cough] but I think...I'm not...going to...reap the fruits of...my [urgh] genius...my God what is that [cough cough] red...is...it...blood...



Guards...I order...you to...execute...my...lungs...they...cons...cons...p ire...against...meeee...

Bleeergh...

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Alright, it's all in your hands now, Oberon. Lead us, oh fearless leader, to new zany adventures.

God help us...

[Oberon]

No pressure...

Chapter II: A New Dope

It is the year of our lord 1084, and England is at war, mostly with itself. I, Duke Eanfirth I of Deheubarth govern my lands from the fair city of Cardiff in Glamorgan.



My father is now a pile of smouldering ashes, his funeral went well...although somehow his corpse managed to set fire to three of the courtiers. I am the eldest of five of our family, I don't know why I have so many brothers and sisters, Uncle Coenred says it's because my father couldn't keep his trousers up...which is probably true because he was always beating me with his belt...

I have five vassals, and all bar one of them hate me. Well, that's fine, I HATE THEM TOO! One of them hates me more than the others...his name is Gwrgant and he runs Dyfed, I will have to keep an eye on him...

Let's see what my castle holdings are like...



Right, so my father spent more time beating me and my siblings than he did actually build anything. No wonder I only have a handful of coin to my name.

Well, the good news is that I am now of legal age and I have become a Flamboyant Schemer...I wonder where I get that from? Well, time to put that Flamboyance to the test!



When he dies...it will be the most fabulous death! I will make sure of it!

Three months into my rule my mother complains that she is still single, and that her baby producing mechanisms have not be used for too long. I have a rummage through the Dating section of the local newspaper, yes, this guy will do...King Eg- King Ecg, King Ecgbeorth of England.

Wait...my King? My mother is marrying my King?

Well, he's only 8 and she's 34, what could possibly go wrong?


She's obviously lying...

My Marshall dies, and the only suitable replacement is that damned Gwrgant...

Wait...I'm a genius, I'll send him to repress revolts in his own county! That'll surely work! Then while I'm at it, I'll start my own plots there, and fabricate a claim on Powys.

Eanfirth, you're a genius!



I order a fence built around the garden.



Much better...

[Hottentot]

Originally Posted by Oberon

Right, so my father spent more time beating me and my siblings than he did actually build anything. No wonder I only have a handful of coin to my name.

Bah, who would waste time on boring long term economical planning, when you can just take the money from your rich vassals after banishing them to Sweden?

[Oberon]

Since I sent mother off to see the King, he seems to be losing his little civil war. I didn't realise mother was such a potent weapon of mass destruction.

Meanwhile:


A man with some impressive facial hair seeks to finish what his father started...yeah, like a national leader would ever do such a thing.

[AAR interrupted by passing thunderstorm. Normal service will resume as soon as possible]
[Normal service will now resume...stupid drive by storms.]

The mighty Norman fleet of fourteen galleys sails up St. Georges channel in mid-1086, and lands in Dyfed...joy.

To take my mind off impending death by Frog, I get married to a courtier of the Godwin lineage, probably just in time for it to be wiped out. I also put taxes up, so my final days will be in comfort and riches.

Uncle Coenrad comes to me with news of corruption in Dyfed...it's probably due to half of it being occupied by Norman invaders, but I tell him to press on with his investigation anyway...


Grrrrr


Meanwhile, there's a knock at the door.


"Special delivery, it's a Norman assault force, were you expecting one?"


"NOBODY EXPECTS THE NORMAN INQUISITION!!"

And if that wasn't enough, the other half of the Civil war arrives in Dyfed to besiege what the Normans aren't already occupying. The Normans, having sacked Cardiff then march south to Winchester to attack what the other half of the Civil war is occupying.



Suddenly, to the north, a horrendous cry rents the air...

The Welsh hordes come!



So, at this stage King Eg...Ecg...Egg....well, it doesn't really matter what I call him at the moment...is at war with the English, the Welsh and the French.

[Oberon]

On the up side, my wife is now pregnant. I hope for a boy, she hopes for a girl. Both of us hope not to be killed by a Norman, English rebel or Welsh horde.


It's a girl...

Well, if needs be I can sell her to a Frenchman for some goats.

On the up side, Gwrgant has become less likely to revolt...probably because the French/Welsh/English took away all his soldiers so he has nothing to revolt with...

And in the middle of all this mess, the Pope decides to call a crusade to Jerusalem. Being the deeply spiritual man that I am not, but seeing a possible way to earn prestige, I send all my forces to his aid.

Which amounts to three rowing boats and a bloke named Derek...


Derek sets sail for God and for glory!

Eeeexxxxceeelleent thus far.

Also how about posting the current order of Succession in the OP?

[Crécy]

Originally Posted by Rilder

Also how about posting the current order of Succession in the OP?

Good idea.

BTW, how many lords (players) we have?

[Hottentot]

Originally Posted by Rilder

Also how about posting the current order of Succession in the OP?

At some later stage, possibly. At the moment the thread is 2 pages long, so I don't think it's too much to ask for people to follow the story so far.

Originally Posted by Crécy

BTW, how many lords (players) we have?

Five if I'm up to date with everyone: Oberon, HunterICX, Raptor1, you and me. Possibly Rilder also (I'll let him speak for himself on this.)

Originally Posted by Hottentot

Five if I'm up to date with everyone: Oberon, HunterICX, Raptor1, you and me. Possibly Rilder also (I'll let him speak for himself on this.)

Yeah for now count me in!

[Oberon]

By the way, I'm not dead, just mortally wounded with man flu. Hope to get going again on Wednesday.

[Oberon]

I can pass the save file on if someone wants me to, I just don't have much time to do an AAR at the moment, in between being ill and looking after my mother who is also ill. I just can't get into the right mood to play CKII.

Do you want the save file Crecy?