The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

As a substitute teacher, the principle was showing me round on my first day. He said, 'every child is different, take this young boy for example.'


That is my defence, your honor.

[Blood_splat]

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

[BossMark]

TEACHER: "Tell me, Johnny, which is the best time to pick pears? Spring, summer, autumn or winter?"

JOHNNY: "The best time to pick pears is when the farmer is not at home and there's no dog on the farm."
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ________
At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper.

She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"

Little Jimmy started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the postman tell Mummy 'I'm gonna eat your p*ssy today!"

[Hottentot]

Back in Soviet Union (yeah, sue me), there is an empty house with a piece of paper on the table. The paper reads in descending order:

"13:45. I'm off to watch a political education film with comrades, after which we shall discuss the glorious future and best ways of achieving communism. I'll be home late. Long live the Party!
-Father"

"15:15. Hi all, I visited home, but had to leave again. I'm going to the factory, after which me and the shock worker comrades shall celebrate the shining equality the Party has given us by letting women work in factories. There is a meal ready in the fridge. Don't expect me before midnight. Long live the Party!
Yours: Mother."

"16:30. Greetings, dear family! I'm sorry I can't participate in our home activities today. I need to attend a Komsomol meeting. We shall be discussing our new methods of cultural revolution and how to better educate people of their duties and place in the mighty new system. I'll try not to wake you up when I come home. Long live the Party!
Son"

"18:00. Hello. I ate all alone. Since no one was home, I left to spend time with my Pioneer comrades. We are going to sing songs of great Lenin and our fatherly Stalin all night! I think I'll be sleeping in the Pioneer house, that the Party has given us in their wisdom and love. Long live the Party!
See you! Daughter."

"23:10. I have stolen everything you owned. Thanks to the Party!
Sincerely: Burglar."

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Hottentot

Back in Soviet Union (yeah, sue me)

You started it!




Yuri: "Comrade, what is difference between Capitalism and Communism?"

Boris: "I don't know, comrade. What is difference between Capitalism and Communism?"

Yuri: "Under Capitalism Man subjugates and abues his fellow man, using him for his own nefarious purposes!"

Boris: "And Communism?"

Yuri: "Is other way around!"

[Jimbuna]

I was driving my wife to work this morning when she suddenly pushed my hand from the gear lever.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Well," she said, "I've kept quiet for too long and I'm sick of you not concentrating on your driving - you do the steering and I'll stir the petrol."

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by Hottentot

Back in Soviet Union (yeah, sue me)

Well if we are going to do Soviet Union jokes...

Two men were riding on a bus in the Soviet Union. One man was sitting down and the other man was standing in front of him but was standing directly on the sitting man's foot.

Sitting man: Excuse me, but are you in the military?

Standing man: No, I'm not

Sitting man: Are you a member of our glorious security forces?

Standing man: No, I'm not

Sitting man: Are you in any way associated with our government?

Standing man: No, I am afraid not

Sitting man: Then get your ^$%#$ foot off of mine!

---
(this one came from a book on Soviet humor)

Two men were sitting in the park next to the embassies in Moscow. They were watching all the diplomatic cars near the embassies.

First man: "Look at that Mercedes. Mercedes Benz is one of the best cars in the world."

Second man: "The Lada is better"

First man looks in disbelief and then says. "Look that that Rolls. Rolls Royce. Now that is probably the best car in the world"

Second man: "The Lada is much better"

First man shakes his head. "Look at that Bentley. Bentleys are one of the best cars on the market"

Second man: "The Lada is clearly better"

First man says "you don't seem to know a lot about cars"

Second man "Oh I know a lot about cars. I just don't know a lot about you"

[Jimbuna]

Just bought a feather duster.

If there's one thing I can't stand it's filthy chickens.

[Platapus]

The other day I bought a decaffeinated coffee table

I can't tell if from a regular coffee table

[MH]

In communist Russia the party member Sergei Ivanovich wakes up in the morning.
He open the windows and greets the sun:
'Good morning comrade sun"
The sun replays 'Good morning comrade Sergei Ivanovich'
In the noon when Sergei goes for lunch he greets sun again:
'Good day comrade sun"
The sun replays smiling 'Good day comrade Sergei Ivanovich'
After day of work in the evening he greets sun again
'Have good evening comrade sun'
The sun makes a face and replays:
'Sod off in in the west now"

[Jimbuna]

LOL

[MH]

Some recent one....


How many Arabs does it take to change a light ball?
One Arab and 100 left activists to scream discrimination.

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by MH

Some recent one....


How many Arabs does it take to change a light ball?
One Arab and 100 left activists to scream discrimination.

sigh

[magic452]

Back to blonds. They are more fun.

I was sitting at home one Saturday and answered a knock on the door.
There stood a pretty blond and said she " I need to earn some money for collage, do you have any work for me?"

I told her that I would give her $200.00 to paint the porch.
She agreed and I went and got her a bucket of paint and a brush.

About an hour later she came to the door and said that she was done painting. I gave her the $200.00 and she thanked me and said as she was leaving "Oh buy the way your porch is really a BMW."

Magic

[Hottentot]

@Steve and Platapus: . Thanks, my collection of Soviet jokes just improved. I wonder if I can use these in my thesis somehow...

Anyway...

Three men are in an art gallery. One of them is from France, another from Britain and the third one from the Soviet Union. They admire a painting depicting Biblical view of Adam and Eve in the paradise.

"Look at how elegant and sophisticated they are", says the Briton. "I'm sure they were British! Only a Briton can have such majesty!"

"No no no", the Frenchman objects. "Look how beautiful they are! Everyone knows that the French are the most beutiful and stylish people in the world, so they obviously must be French!"

"You're both wrong", the Soviet man snorts. "They have no clothes and no homes to live in. They grow apples but are not allowed to eat them. And all they while they are being told by a higher authority that they are living in a paradise. They must be from the Soviet Union."